I will be the first to admit that I have some real mommy issues. My mom and I are not very close, and we have very different personalities. Growing up, especially during my teenage years, my mom and I could never get along.
Let me start from the beginning –
My mom and dad got divorced when I was around 9 years old. My dad’s police schedule was blamed to be a factor, but I’m sure there were plenty of other things that came into play. After the divorce, my dad moved to Knoxville to be closer to his job and we stayed in our hometown – just about 20 minutes north in a small town. My daddy was always so wonderful about making every effort to be involved in our lives. If he was off on the weekends, we were at his house. If he worked during the weekends, we would stay with him some during the week when he was off and he would drive us back and forth to school. My parents never did a custody battle or child support, they just worked it out between themselves. They managed to get along during this time much better than they did when they were married. I missed my dad a lot when he moved away and I guess I blamed my mom in some ways for the split.
My mom went a little wild after the divorce. She had two young kids, I was 9 and my brother was 4, and she’d been with my dad since she was 20 years old. Sometimes on the nights she had us we ended up with a babysitter so she could go out with friends. I vividly remember crying and begging her not to go out and to stay with us. (Of course I was 9 so I’m sure I was overly dramatic.) She went through a string of about 3 deadbeat boyfriends over 3 years. I hated them all with a passion and I would literally count down the days until I could go to my dad’s house again. Even at 9, I just didn’t feel like my mom was being a very good mom to us. It hurt me and I’m sure it’s the reason I have grown to be such an independent person. I just felt like I couldn’t count on her sometimes so I had to do things myself. Now, I’m not talking about providing for us or anything like that. We always had a roof over our heads, plenty of food and clothes and we never went without or wanted for anything. I guess I just had an emotional void during this time. My dad never pursued a serious relationship with any women during our childhood. I’m sure he dated, but we only met 1 of his girlfriends from the time I was 9 until last year when he married the evil stepmother. When I was in middle school my mom settled down a little and got remarried to my step-dad. He is a really great guy and would do anything for my brother and me. They have 2 kids together now who are my devilish cute little step brothers.
Our relationship got so bad that at one point when I was 17 I moved in with my dad and lived with him solely, barely seeing my mom, until I was about 20. Since that time things have been very hot and cold with my mom and I. She has found herself in the middle of some illegal bad situations, which I will not disclose here on the blog. She has jealous fits about how close I am to my dad instead of her. She has been to rehab a couple different times and most of the time falls back into old habits. It’s a very strange situation for me. To have a father – who of course in my eyes does no wrong, and to have a mother who seems to make all the wrong choices. My struggle right now is largely because my mom is doing well. I know that sounds ass backwards but when someone has wronged me I’m the world’s worst grudge holder. I try not to be, but really I can’t help it. I just keep waiting for something to trigger her into depression or push her into a bad place. Basically, I keep her at arm’s length. To be brutally honest with you I’ve never actually longed for a mother-daughter relationship with her. I think that is because I am super close to my aunt (mom’s sister) and of course I always have my dad. My mom has almost been like the black stain on our family tree, due to her appearance at times & behavior problems so I often feel embarrassed by her.
While I am going through to plan the wedding of my dreams, I struggle with how to involve my mother. My original plan was always to go away to get married somewhere tropical – in part to avoid her showing up and causing a scene. Now that we are looking at keeping our wedding local, I am terrified of how this will play out. I’m just trying to be honest about it. I feel bad admitting these ugly words on the internet about MY OWN MOTHER, but years of her ways has caused me to not trust her in some ways. I know it's ugly, but that's how the truth goes sometimes. We all have those "black sheep" in our family, right??
