Look Before You Leap...Or Something Like That

Writing posts about dating has never been difficult for me. Sometimes it makes me cringe to look back at certain things I've said in posts, but I can say that my dating posts have been accurate descriptions of where I'm at in my life. It's kinda cool to be able to look back over the past two years of singleness  documented here on my corner of the internet and see how things have progressed. I do love an honest update. So now how to describe where my dating life is currently...

Earlier this week would have been my two year wedding anniversary if Skye and I would have gone through with getting married back in 2012. Honestly, I didn't even feel the date coming on this year. I was reminded by Timehop (dang you, Timehop!). I didn't even cry. It just felt very strange. Very much like remembering something from a movie I watched years ago, instead of feeling like an experience I actually lived through. I'm in a good place with that baggage right now. Parts of that story will always be hard for me, but that's okay because I truly wouldn't want to forget. The most recent ex-boyfriend baggage is in a decent place too. It felt like we were in a stage of limbo for the past couple of months - trying to be "friends" and remain on good terms since we go to church together, yet not really being sure how to make that happen. We got to a place last week where we decided we can't be friends, and honestly I'm okay with that. AND the best news...drumroll please...I actually have a new boyfriend!! Not just someone I have a crush on, but a full blown boyfriend. I am SMITTEN and things are really good right now. It makes me so excited to feel this way again, but I'm also trying to keep myself grounded. Which if I'm being honest, is really hard to do! Especially with a boyfriend as hot as mine! :)

Dating does funny things to a 30 year old woman. It can drive  you batty, make you feel empowered, drive you to drink, or (like in my current situation) act like you've never been hurt a day in your life and just LEAP. It's much easier to allow yourself to become scarred by the battles you've faced. Been there, done that. Represented loud and proud, all day, erryday with my former black heart. That's not a fun state to live in! And it's not sustainable for someone who genuinely wants to settle down. Letting people in and being vulnerable is hard, but truly necessary work. Being that I am the ripe old age of 30, I am well acquainted with my strengths and weaknesses. I know the reasons that I would consider myself to be a great catch. But that doesn't mean that I will be everyone's cup of tea. Taking a leap in dating means that you have heighten awareness of these truths, but do not allow them to hold you back. It's a fine line that can really trip most of us up. With all that being said, I've had to come to terms with the fact that it is possible to take a leap and end up falling flat on my face. I think that fear is what holds us back most. Nobody wants to get their feelings hurt.

The evolution of my dating life is an interesting thing to study. Looking back, I see times when I should have stood my ground more and trusted my instincts. I see times when I probably shouldn't have been so overly guarded. I see mistakes, let downs, learning experiences, I see awesome stories - there's a lot to see in the dating life of a 28-30 year old!! The thing that is different for me right now is that I'm ready to take a leap. So... I'm taking a leap! Are there uncertainties? Absolutely yes. Do I have insecurities? Duh, They can feel crippling at times. It's okay to feel those things - and even better to push through them. I don't know what will happen here, but I know that I am trying to pray my way through it. I mean it when I say I want to settle down. I mean it when I say I'm ready. But I know ultimately it's not up to my timing. God knows the desires of my heart (I'm pretty persistent in telling him often), and He's the only one who knows how my story will unfold.

Remember my 2015 word? BELIEVE. I am choosing right now to believe this season of my life will serve a purpose. And I know it will. I believe that what God has planned for me is unable to be thwarted (how you like that word!!) - even by my own selfish, sometimes stupid, decisions.

My best dating advice today is to take that leap, friend. Jump in head first into the deep end. Believe that it can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you - but also know that it might not amount to anything. As scary as trying anything new (doesn't have to be a relationship) can feel, you have to try to know how it plays out. It's like playing the lottery - you gotta play to win. If you would have asked me a year ago, my advice would have probably been polar opposite. If you ask me next week, everything could have changed and it could very well be different too. But for today, I am urging you to leap.

Once again, my life has come down to being summed in a Sex & The City quote...

 

Real Talk (as a form of Monday Motivation)

I have not a clue why I feel like it’s my job to bring Monday Motivation…but alas, here we are. I had an epiphany of sorts over the weekend. And by epiphany, I mean a mental breakdown. Now to be fair it’s been a little while since I’ve had a good breakdown so I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised by it.  I had a nice little post written up to start the week off right too – a post about how to pray as a single girl during what feels like a season of waiting. But honestly I had to keep it real with y’all. Not that I lied in that other post, because it all came from my heart too. But my heart is just a different state as of right now and I wanted to share that with you instead.
 

So our story starts Friday night – the 4^th of July, which in case you didn’t know is one of my 3 favorite holidays. I feel like everybody in my life used to know that and now only a couple people know that fact. Sadly, it just doesn’t hold the excitement for me that it once did. But ANYHOW – I spent Friday with a full heart. I had a busy day, and ended the evening at a get together with a bunch of people from my church. Such a great day! Towards the end of the night, I happen to take inventory on the people I’m surrounded by and all of a sudden realize I’m the only single person in attendance. I’m with so many people who love me and are important to me, but the breakdown consists of two engaged couples, plenty of married couples, kids galore and ME. Nobody was treating me in a way that made me feel different or left out or anything, but once I noticed this fact it was literally ALL I could think about it. Don’t you hate it when your mind just controls you like that?
 

The party ends and I come home to an empty house – totally and completely in the beginning stage of feeling sorry for myself. I turn on the TV and Sex and the City is on – which happens to be one of my favorite movies. I remember after my breakup, watching that movie with brand new perspective – you know I’m talking about the part where Big ditches Carrie before the wedding. I remember feeling those exact same feelings and relating to what had just happened in my own life.  I felt dead inside, like Carrie felt dead inside. I don’t think people quite understand that feeling - and if you don’t then thank your lucky stars! The quote that always stands out to me still is when Carrie & Miranda are shopping for Halloween outfits (just before she sees her issue of Vogue for the first time) and Carrie says, “I KNOW it happened to me, but I still can’t believe that it happened TO ME.” I saw that Friday night and I lost it. I STILL FEEL THAT WAY SOMETIMES! I definitely felt that way Friday night. And for the first time in a long time, I missed my old life. I missed the ease of things, and the comfort of being snuggled up tight in my comfort zone. I missed Skye and so many things about him – like how he always went out of his way to make the 4^th of July a huge deal for me. And I wanted it all back – the life, the imperfect relationship, the years spent together, the ring, the future, the planned wedding – in that moment I would have likely sacrificed so many things to get my old life back.

 

And yeah that’s a terrible thing to say. I feel awful even admitting that out loud. Mainly because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today if I hadn’t survived through that tragedy of a broken engagement. But it’s the God honest truth. And clearly that stigma still haunts me. I hate that I let it define me. And my enemy knows that – and when he comes to prey on me he knows exactly what ammo to bring. I just cried and looked at our engagement pictures – because I’m a weirdo who likes to torment myself. (And because I really love those picture and how skinny I was) And I prayed. And I’m here to tell you that even right now I’m still battling a little bit with those feelings. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking I’m a crazy person – and I wouldn’t disagree with you –but I know that if 1 year and 8 months later this can still creep back in and affect me, then other people might be dealing with fighting similar battles. And that’s what makes us human. I spent a lot of time this weekend looking backwards. Going over things in my head and wondering how they might have played out differently.

But really, that’s time wasted. I felt like I was in control of my life then – and obviously I wasn’t. I know that God is control of my life now – but I still have bad days. I am so thankful for my faith and all God has done in my life – especially in the past almost 2 years. I know things now that I didn’t KNOW then about God’s grace. And how even when I am a whiny crybaby and wish to go back to a life that didn’t value or praise Him, the Lord still loves me relentlessly and welcomes me with open arms to taste his forgiveness. That’s something that my ex-fiancé could never in a million years offer me.  He left me and never looked back. God reminds me that this is all just a part of my story to tell. My relationship with Him doesn’t exclude me from sadness, but it offers me a new kind of hope. Hope that the best days of my life are not behind me – but they lie ahead of me. Which is why that CS Lewis quote helped me SO much during my rough patch.

And even though I think the lesson this weekend has been a valuable one, I’m ready to get back to feeling like my perky old self again!

How can I pray for you guys this week? Tell me specifically what you’re struggling with and let’s pray together that we conquer these battles!

Thursday Things to Love...Kinda

Hmmmm what have I been up to in the past couple of weeks that I could tell you about?

 

- John Legend – sweet talked my way into seeing him in concert a couple weekends ago and he was AMAZING! Probably one of the most intimate concert settings I’ve ever been to, and I had a pretty cute date so I was a happy girl. Some babies were definitely made that night! (not by me) Of course I didn’t take any pictures or videos, but trust me if you get the chance to go see him GO!

 

- I’ve decided to take a little break from dating and boys. I just need a breather. I’ve been exhausted lately by so many aspects of the dating game. And wouldn’t you know it, week two into this break and my face is suddenly ALL cleared up! No boys = no stress. AND a guy who I’ve had a huge crush on for a while finally asked me out. But I said no. I was serious about taking the break! I have a couple of dating posts drafted, but sometimes I just can’t find the right words to say…

 

- I survived what would have been my 1^st wedding anniversary. Weird thing to say, right? But if Skye and I would have actually made it down the aisle then 4/27 would have been our 1 year anniversary. It’s completely insane to think how much my life has changed since we set that date!! I spent that Sunday praising God for all the ways He has worked & healed me since last year (when I spent that same date on the floor bawling my eyes out in WalMart and had to be carried out of there.) A lot can happen in a year!! And I'm sure my perspective will be even more changed by next year.

 

- Last weekend I went to see Kacey Musgraves, Billy Currington & Lady A in concert (I’m a concerting fool). I’ve always liked them, but was so impressed by seeing Billy & Lady A live. Such a great show! And I’ve had a girl crush on Kacey for a while so now I love her even more, she was awesome! And she always has the cutest boots, I might add. One of my fav parts of the concert was when Billy sang Bruno Mars “Treasure”! I love it when artists mix it up and sing other genre songs. And you know they killed it in Knoxville when they broke out Rocky Top.

 

- As you read this, I am on my way to Charlotte to see Judah Smith on the Jesus Is Tour. I AM SOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!! Read his book (Jesus Is ____) a couple weeks ago and I can't wait to hear him speak and to worship at Elevation Church! Here is the promo video for the tour. PS- It's FREE if he is coming to speak at a city near you!

 

That about covers it! Consider yourself up to date on my life. I have a nice long weekend that I fully plan on enjoying so I hope you enjoy yours too.

 

Look At Me All Livin' and Shit

One year ago today my life changed directions. Skye kicked me to the curb and I am such a better person today because of it. If you met me sometime within the past year, then you probably haven't been able to experience the real me. And I'm sorry for that. I've been a strange shell of myself, going back and forth between being sad and experiencing growing pains. But I'm getting back to normal - slowly, but surely. Each day got just a little bit easier to face and now all of a sudden it's been a whole year.

 

Last week was rough. Apparently I was still holding onto some emotions over my breakup that I really just needed to finally let go of.  But I woke up this morning feeling grateful and hopeful for what God has in store for me. Skye and I had a good 8 year run. I am thankful for the love he brought to my life and the lessons I've learned from this heartbreak. BUT I truly believe I was meant for someone better than him. Not that he's a bad guy, but he's just not the guy for me.

 

 

 

 

People in my own family haven't supported me during this breakup, and that's been absolutely devastating. But I've learned that I can't control other people. I have to move on and only focus on bettering myself. I love this quote above because it's so true. I will never ever ever ever be able to forget the people who have reached out to me and truly supported me during one of the toughest years of my life. And likewise, I will never forget those who abandoned me. One year ago today, I had no idea how I would survive this. Yet here I am. I've experienced a lot of "firsts" and now the only time I want to look back is to see how far I've come.

 

 

Thank you SO MUCH to each and every one of you who has connected with me or reached out during this time. It means the world to me and it has helped me feel so loved! I can never thank you enough!! I hope by sharing my story with you, it can help someone else who finds themselves in this boat. That's what this is all about after all, helping each other.

It Was Always the Love Songs

This has been on my heart for a couple weeks so I just wanted to put it out there. For a girl who claims to have developed a black heart, I’ve kiiiiiind of been turning back into a softie. Maybe it’s because the impending one year anniversary of my failed engagement is coming up? Maybe I’m just a big wuss? Who knows? Either way, I’ve found myself tearing up to some “love songs” lately. I say that in quotes because I know one of these you might not consider a love song, but to me, it’s perfection.

The definition of a love song to me is either one of two things: A) It’s one of YOUR songs. It triggers a memory, moment in time and immediately makes you think of THEM. Not necessarily a typical romantic tune. B) Classic love songs that any girl would want a guy to play for them. Then there’s also just straight up panty dropping music (Boys II Men, Usher, Keith Sweat, etc.) But we’ll save those for another post, because they definitely don’t make me cry. We all have songs that go with relationships (or non-relationships) that just fit the vibe of the situation. Each boyfriend I’ve ever had we’ve had a defining song, usually several of them. Anytime I hear these songs, they resonate an instant memory with me. And oddly enough, I’ve heard them all very recently and been brought to tears. I’m going to tell you a little story about each other… as if this post needed to be drawn out more...

 

Train – Meet Virginia

This was my first “boyfriend” song I would say. My first real boyfriend was in 9^th grade, it wasn’t a long or overly serious relationship but it was my first experience with a lot of things, including a very strong attachment to a boy. I am so fortunate to still have this boy in my life. I told you a little about him here. And I’d like to think we will always be connected. We have tried to give it a go together countless times (pretty much anytime either of us has a breakup) and he definitely deserves the award for the person who has tried to be with me the most number of times. He has grown into an amazing man, but it’s funny that not too long ago we heard this song and kissed and it took me right back to being 14 years old.

 

Jagged Edge – Healing

This is a tough one for me. This has Skye written all over it. He introduced me to this song in 2003 when we first started dating. This song had such a special meaning to me. Everything about it just defines us. We listened it to during every major milestone and makeup moment throughout our relationship and it was going to be our First Dance song at our wedding. He played it the first night he told me he loved me, when he gave me my promise ring, after our first huge fight, we listened to it on repeat on our first vacay together, any romantic moment he planned, every birthday, the night he asked me to marry him, and so many times the last month we were together (Oct 2012) after we decided it would be our first dance song. I’ll be honest and tell you I can barely stand to hear it now. It breaks my heart and makes me think of a completely different time in my life. When someone promised they would always love me.

 

Taylor Swift – Our Song

I know we all hate on TSwift now but back in the day I used to love her. This song was my ringtone for the whole year that it first came out. Skye hated it, but we would always sing it so loud when my phone rang. I heard it for the first time in years the other day and I actually teared up. DO NOT FREAKING JUDGE ME BECAUSE TSWIFT MADE ME TEAR UP! It has nothing to do with her haha!

 

Jack Johnson – Better Together, Banana Pancakes

Skye also introduced me to Jack Johnson. He was much more of a lover than me so he was all into this kind of music for a while. Better Together became our 2^nd song, behind Healing. It always made everything better, and he would always remind me that we were better together. I still love Jack Johnson and luckily I can still listen to him without being sad.

Moving along from Skye…

Justin Moore – Bed of My Chevy

This is not a boyfriend song! WHEW! But remember my fireman boy toy? Seems like every time he and I were together we would hear Justin Moore. This song reminds me of him because it’s just a cute version of a fun country love song.

 

John Legend – ANYTHING! Play me some John Legend and my panties are out the window.

Train - Marry Me
Typical wedding type of song, but I love it and always swoon over it.

Eli Young Band – Crazy Girl
There's really no special meaning to this one, I just love the lyrics.

Ed Cash – Marry Me

you’ve probably never heard of this one, Ed Cash is an amazing Christian genre singer, this has been one of my fav love songs since I heard it at a church conference in high school. He actually wrote this song as a proposal to his wife. I would just melt right into a puddle.

 

One of my fav parts of a wedding is always the first dance song, and now you know what mine would have been. For the wedding I was in over the weekend, theirs was "Hey Pretty Girl" by Kip Moore. What was yours or what would you envision yours to be??

Real Talk: Sometimes Single Sucks

Raise your hand if you are sick of hearing me be miserable after my breakup! (You can't see me but I have both hands raised HIGH!) These days life feels much more normal for me. I would choose to call it content vs. happy with how things have played out. I've made peace with my situation and now I just try to enjoy my freedom and have faith. My friends and family have been an incredible support during this time and it's true what they say that you really do learn who is there for you when you go through something like this in your life.

 

Some days I still miss Skye. There I said it. And it's true. We can't go back in time and fix what was broken, and I don't think either of us would even want to at this point. I've changed as a person and he has changed tremendously. I look at pictures of him now and I feel like I don't even know this person. The person that I spent 8 years of my life with feels like a ghost. So strange how time can reveal things and make things "right". I have obviously come a LONG way since November, but these things apparently take lots of time to completely heal. Breakups are hard. They break you. Life goes on, for both of you. You grow into a new person, a stronger one. You learn lots of lessons. Then one day, you move on and it seems like the whole thing never happened.

 

Point of this whole post is that yes sometimes I miss him, but mostly these days I just miss certain things about being in a relationship. I went from living with someone for 6 years to being alone everyday. I get lonely (I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true). I miss having a constant companion to run around with, someone to share lame stories about my day with, someone to spoil me in the everyday little ways, someone who knows me so completely, someone to be silly with and someone to crawl into bed with and say I love you to every night. So who is ready to move in with me?!?!?!

 

And if we are being extremely honest (and completely shallow) I miss my damn ring! Every time I see a picture of it, I almost tear up! I was so in love with that ring. I often curse the day I gave it back.

 

The Final Chapter in Our Story

It's just TWO days away. 4/27/13 was a date that was supposed to change my world. My wedding date. My world has absolutely changed, although in a completely different way than I originally thought. One year ago today, I was riding the engagement high and just diving into the wedding planning process. I was so wrapped up in my own little happy place that I couldn’t see the things that were beginning to unravel. I had waited almost 8 years for Skye to become my husband and there was nothing more important in this world to me. I wanted it more than I have ever wanted anything. I felt like finally my life was going to be complete and I never had a doubt that we wouldn’t make it down the aisle. One of the things he said to me when he left will always stick with me. “You just wanted to get married, not necessarily to me.” It stung that November night, and it stings now to say it out loud. For the record, I do not feel like that’s the truth. I 100% wanted to get married, 100% wanted to settle down and start our family, 100% wanted to be with him forever. To me it felt like the natural next step in our relationship. There are several reasons that I attribute to our demise, none of which either of us ever in a million years saw playing out the way they did. (at least in my opinion). Of course there is my version of events, then his version and somewhere in between lies the nitty gritty truth. Honestly, none of the He Said – She Said really matters 6 months down the road. He has moved on and I am definitely in the process of moving on and sadly there’s no looking back. It feels like years ago that I even knew him that way and that we spent our every moment together.

This verse has helped me so much over the past 6 months - it's my life quote. When in doubt, turn to Proverbs!

 

Isn’t it amazing how resilient we are? How one moment I was in literal physical pain over my heartbreak and now I am on this path of rediscovery? Time truly heals all wounds and the Lord makes things happen in our lives that will always find a way to work out for the best. I’ve always believed and said these things – especially to others during times of trial or struggle. But I had only barely experienced them. I have (and still am) learning so much about myself – about who I am vs. who I want to be and how I want others to view me. I am not that girl who wants to be seen as broken. I want to be seen as a strong girl who has been faced with a difficult situation and completely kicked it’s ass. Some days are easier than others, and you all know I am in a constant battle with emotional eating, but most of the time these days I feel good. I want to feel like myself again - I want to feel good about my body, but it all takes time. I am positive that God has blessed me with a second chance. A chance to grow closer to Him, to meet new people and surround myself with positive encouragers, to grow closer to my family, maybe an opportunity to move away, and definitely a second chance at love. But most importantly a chance to fully develop into the person HE wants me to be.

 

I know 100% for a fact that I would NOT even be close to where I am today without the support of my readers. YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING! I have made such lasting friendships and I treasure them so much! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! LOVE YOU!

 

After this weekend, I think I will be fully able to move on with my life. No more milestones to hang onto, no more looking back. There will still be tough days, it's a looooong process and I must be patient with mself, but soon things will fall into place for me. And when all else fails there's always margarita therapy!



 

It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's Real

Real talk – I have serious issues right now. PMS is beginning to rear its ugly head again. 2nd month in a row that I am experiencing these awful side effects. Tears, zits galore, and my appetite in just unable to be quenched. I think that my current “new-ish” single girl status has everything to do with it. I’ve been binge eating y’all. And I mean that honestly. I just eat, and eat and eat until my stomach is so full and poking out of my shirt. Then I feel guilty and want to be mean to myself for doing it and not being able to have control over my mind like I need to. It’s BAD! I feel like a girl who is out of control on a Lifetime movie!

 

Back in November, 2 weeks post-breakup , I was down 8 lbs. Of course this was not healthy weight loss. I had completely lost my appetite, I was barely taking in calories at all. I was spending the rest of my time crying them all out. So naturally the weight just disappeared within a matter of days. I felt happy with my size though, because it was the goal size that I have been striving for. Then a couple weeks later, the week before I started my period I lost control over my eating. Instead of being too distraught to eat, I began to just devour my feelings by the handful. Fast food, snacks in between, alcohol to top it off. Again, naturally my weight has just steadily ballooned back up. Right now I am 2 lbs heavier than I was the day that Skye broke up with me. UGH! It’s all so frustrating. I am in tears as I sit here and write this. I feel out of control. I can manage to have a good day or two, but then one wrong snack sends me into a binge spiral. I’VE GOT TO GET A GRIP. I need your help! On Monday I told you that I had made 6 weeks goals for myself. One of those goals was obviously to try and lose that 8-10 lbs again. That’s at a pretty healthy rate of weight loss IF I can just manage to get on track.

 

I can blame it on PMS, which does play a role. But I do have unresolved emotional issues right now that I need to deal with. My heart is heavy. I’ve spent the past 10 weeks trying to enjoy myself, and I will admit I’ve have had a blast with my girls. I’ve 100% been self-medicating! With NyQuil at first, then alcohol, now food. {Why can’t I self-medicate with excessive exercise??} 10 weeks down and I still fucking miss him. I miss the memories, I miss his smile. I miss just having someone who took care of me and loved me every single day. But he didn’t love me enough to stay. I know this is the ultimate pity party going on right now, but I just have to get this off my chest. The shitty part is; I was feeling stronger. I was feeling like I was moving along and dealing and staying positive…then ever since Christmas I’ve been feeling depressed. I’m not crying every moment of every day or anything like that, but I have a dull consistent ache in my heart. When I heard that a heartbreak is the worst pain you can ever go through, I never believed it. I saw my aunt lay in bed for literally months after her divorce. Unable to get out of bed, unable to live her life because she was so depressed. I remember thinking she was weak and she needed to power through. I thought I had been through a heartbreak before with my high school boyfriend. I remember being 18 years old and thinking my life was over after that breakup. Just having no idea what life had in store for me and feeling scared. A couple months later I met Skye and we just had the kind of chemistry you see in movies. Instant, fast, real there was no doubting it – even though it eventually took us a year to begin dating. Now, 10 years later I have experienced real heartbreak and I can honestly say that I thought I might not survive it. (not like physically die, but just never emotionally recover) I still question that some days…like today. I got an email from him yesterday. Nothing of any substance, just him forwarding me something I needed that came to his email. My heart dropped and I cried when I saw his name on my phone. I feel like a piece of me will absolutely love Skye forever. I wonder why he doesn’t miss me the way I miss him. That’s not real love. I worry about my ability to feel real love again. The boys have definitely been coming out of the woodwork and I have been turning them down right & left. I’ve hung out with a few guys who were already friends, but I just cannot seem to fathom the thought of dating. Right now it feels like no guy could live up to my impossible love standards. I know I will love again one day, but will it be on the same level?

 

My comforts have been out of whack. Food should not be my comfort. It will only make me chubby and feel miserable about myself. God has a plan for me. I know this with all of my heart, even in my deepest moments of doubt. I know that I am tough. Maybe in a couple months I’ll meet the man of my dreams? Maybe I’ll move away from Knoxville? Maybe I will feel whole again? I take comfort in my blog friends. You have been without a doubt an amazing source of strength for me during this tender time. I can never never never thank you enough. The cards, texts, emails, gifts, trips to visit me and lasting friendships – I can never repay these acts of kindness. I take comfort in knowing this is a just a moment of weakness, and it shall pass. The weather is not helping my funk. It’s been raining here for a week straight. Maybe this weekend, the sun will shine and my spirit will be refreshed.

 

I vow to myself (wow that sounds so super serious) that I will not let my mind or my heart control my body. No more binge eating. I will allow myself to miss the memories, because they were precious and deserved to be missed. But I will not allow myself to look back in the past. I vow to keep pushing forward. In order to get through this mess, I have to keep believing that the best days of my life are up ahead. By the time I get to see Luke Bryan (hello man of my dreams) on February 22, I will be looking like a sexy bia. I will be confident from meeting my goals. I will be stronger because I will be almost 16 weeks post-breakup at that point. Thank you friends for listening to me gripe and letting me get these negative feelings out. It’s healthy to vent, right? Maybe somehow my story can help you - can empower you or you can pass it along to someone who needs it. There’s your earful today.
  

Source: Kate Tsagronis via http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ma7rb5hmXf1qjm9bpo1_500.png

A Thankful Thanksgiving

This is the time of year when we all reflect on our blessings in life. Where we surround ourselves with close friends & family who can fill our hearts with love. This holiday season will be tough for me – not gonna lie. Life has handed me both the best & worst times of my life – awkwardly rolled into the same year. I was on Cloud 9 earlier in the year when Skye and I got engaged and I began to plan our wedding. Then just a couple weeks ago everything came crashing down and now I’m facing the holidays as a single girl. Christmas was a special time for us because that’s when we first met, and then rekindled a year after we first met. Our 8 year anniversary would have been on December 15th. I'm sure I will struggle this season with not having him around.

 

I wanted to take a moment during this time of chaos in my life to celebrate the things that I am very thankful for. These are just a few…

• The opportunity to fall in love with someone so completely for 8 years. All the memories & lessons that came from our relationship. The lessons that will come from the breakup. The chance to feel like that about someone. (that was HARD to write, it made me tear up, but so true!) {You can read about our love story here- part 1, part 2, part 3, engagement story.}
• My dad’s good health this year. He went through a quadruple by-pass last December and now has a clean bill of health.
• Even though my mom and I don’t have the best history with our relationship, I am trying to be more patient and kind to her. Her health is not in the best place these days with her lung cancer so I am trying not to waste our time together. We have been talking more often.
• My job. I’ve been able to travel and grow in my field this year. I’ve been rewarded for my hard work. It feels good to know that I am doing a good job for my company. I work for a good company that pays me to do a job that I enjoy (most of the time!).
• My best friends. We have supported each other a lot this year. Most of them I have known since childhood. They are amazing women, and I honestly am a better woman because I am surrounded by them. They accept me & love me in spite of my flaws. They laugh the ugly laughs and cry the ugly cries with me.
• Friends who have left me. I’m oddly thankful for “fake friends” or friends who have  left my life because it helps me to appreciate the good ones who are always there. If you judge me, then I don’t need you. Period.
• My dogs – Tilly & Sadie. They are such dolls. Tilly gets a little more attention on the blog than Sadie, but my heart swells with love for them both. They are my little pick-me-ups at the end of every day.
• My faith in God. I am not the most religious person out there. You won’t find me in church every Sunday. But my faith in God is strong and unwavering. I have been through a lot in my life, and always He is there to make me whole again. I am thankful He is a forgiving God, who always loves me.
• My blog. Oh, what a perfect outlet this has grown into for me! I’ve said it before, but it’s so true how blessed I feel to be acquainted with all you wonderful ladies! The support is never ending. Blogging helps me spew my feelings and my random pictures, but also helps me realize the bigger world out there. The fact that I’m not alone in any situation because someone else has lived it and more importantly survived it AND they are willing to talk to me about it.
• New beginnings. I’m not quite ready to be thankful for this yet…but I’ll get there.
• Just for giggles, I'm adding Diet Coke. I have lived on Diet Coke for the past couple of weeks so I'm thankful for the pep it has provided me.

I hope that everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving with the ones you love! Eat until the buttons on your pants bust open! XOXO!


 

Post Mortem

To my dear sweet friends who are still sticking around and reading my blog after 2 weeks of instability....thank you for being there. I cannot give you enough thanks for the support that you have shown me. It brings me to tears. I started blogging because I wanted to be a part of this community; and trust me when I say I was overwhelmed by my all my lovelies who reached out to me and offered me stories of support or words of kind encouragement. I love being a part of this blog world where we can help empower and lift each other up when someone needs that. YOUR SUPPORT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME!

 

I think I am alive. I am hovering around rock bottom these days. It's been 11 days since Skye broke off our engagement my heart. The ring is no longer in my possession, my face is constantly stained with tears and I've lost 7 lbs. My heart is raw and aching. Nothing kicks a girl in the ass like a heartbreak. But like my girl Beyonce said, I'm a survivor. This will be a long hard road ahead of me, but I need to accept the fact that my life is moving in a different direction than I ever thought possible. <Insert pinterest quotes here>.

 

This little gem has helped me. Each day I am challenged and I cry, but each day I must continue on. Tilly & Sadie need their mama! (yes, I kept both dogs)

 

I trust that in time I will see the path that is meant for me. I will be able to see the error in my ways in this relationship and will be able to flourish fully in my next. I will one day be able to love again without fear of losing everything. I am thankful for that day already.

 

But for now, I just have to get by and that's what I plan to do. Fake it until you make it the name of my game friends. So back to blogging is the plan to help me keep this little crazy mind busy.

 

There's actually a pretty exciting little Southern blogger meet up in the works that I'm looking to throw myself into planning. If you are a Southern gal - keep your eyes peeled for the big news about this soiree!!

 

MIA

 

Hi loves - I know I have been MIA for over a week now, so I just wanted to pop in and give you a bit of an explanation for my absence. There's no easy way to sugar coat it so I'm just going to spill it. Skye and I are breaking up. This decision was made on Sunday - the night I got home from Iowa- so needless to say my world has been quite the confusing place lately. It's not his fault at all, in fact it's completely mine. I'm the one to blame and my actions have caused this backlash. It's his decision to split, but it's based on me. He really has done no wrong. We are both heartbroken and trying to find ways to deal with this absolute tragedy. I plan on taking a bit of an extended absence from social media - blogging, Instagram, Facebook, maybe even Twitter until all this calms down a little bit. It's just too hard to keep up with right now when my mind is in an absolute fog.

 

I've been telling myself all the bullshit cliche things: It will get easier with time. Things will work out in the end. If it's meant to be then we will end up back together. Pinterest has offered me some helpful mantras too. But nothing can fully soothe my aching heart right now. Even though I love my readers and I truly appreciate your support - I can't bear to read your comments and feel you feeling sorry for me so I'm going turn comments off on this post. Don't feel sorry for me. Yes I'm going through a hard time, we all go through hard times. And we all come out stronger because of them. Breakups suck. Losing my absolute best friend and the person I thought I was going to marry in 5 months absolutely sucks. I pray for strength, guidance, peace - I'm just praying alot.

 

The good news is Skye and I are being very civil to make sure this will not turn into a terrible ugly breakup. My family & friends have been so supportive and amazing, checking on me each day to make sure I'm still getting up and going. Work has been a true blessing because it keeps my mind busy during the days. He moved out yesterday so I'm absolutely dreading this weekend alone. But the first weekend will be the hardest and hopefully they will get easier from there. I am throwing myself into cleaning my house from top to bottom and reorganizing everything. I am more determined than ever now to FINALLY go through with my damn master bathroom redesign. I need a change, change is good. And of course I have my precious pups to keep me sane.

 

I don't know where we go from here. I'm sure I will get back into blogging, just not sure when. I miss reading about your lives, but I just need some time to get my life back on track. Thank you to those of you who have already reached out to me asking me where I've been. I thank God for my blog friends who have been just as supportive as my real life friends!

 

Engagement Pictures - Sneaky Peeky

To all my friends who are braving this crazy Sandy storm - you are in my thoughts & prayers! Stay safe! (If you can even read this because you might be without power).

 

I have a special little treat for you today! (Really it's a special treat for me, but hopefully you will enjoy it too.) If you have been following The Pink Growl for any length of time now you know that almost 9 weeks ago we had our engagement pictures taken. I have been waiting...not so patiently...to see these babies. I had to beg and plead with Skye just to have them done. I was probably more excited about these pictures than just about any other detail in wedding planning, thus far. You can see our three original sneak peek photos here. Of those three: I loved one, liked one and thought I looked fat in one. My photographer posted a Sneak Peek engagement album of 20 pictures on Facebook last night, and I'm waiting to get the actual disk from her with 100 pictures. I am on the fence with some of them that she posted, so I'm hoping there are more on the disk that I love. I want to be blown away by them and I want them to bring tears to my eyes. The pictures are the most important thing to me because that's basically all we will have to look back on.

 

Here's your sneaky peeky of my favs! I will show you more when I get the disc in the mail. What do you think?? Be honest!

 

{All images are courtesy of Blush Creative Photography}

 

 

Wedding Wednesday

I borrowed this lovely little checklist from Ms. Megan over at Fried Green Pickles. This Saturday will officially put us at the 6 month out countdown! I'm being honest when I say that makes me both overjoyed and terrified at the same time. Here's a little glimpse at where I stand with the planning - I should be finalizing our DJ & caterer this week. Then the only MAJOR thing left is to book our honeymoon and of course all the little details. When I hear the saying "the devil is in the details" I know that's true! All these little details will be the death of me! My face is 50 kinds of broken out and I have PMS...I do not need to be near a hot glue gun during these stressful times.

Set a date – 4/27/13

Book venue – Sequoyah Marina, Norris Lake

Book photographer – Blush Creative Photography

Book band/DJ – finalizing this soon!

Ask bridal party to be in wedding

Book caterer & bar - finalizing

Register - doing hopefully this weekend

Book florist

Brooch Bouquet

Shop for wedding dress

Book rentals

Take engagement pictures

Select bridesmaid dresses - David's Bridal

Make sure bridesmaids dresses have been ordered by the end of October/November

Select groom & groomsmen attire – selected not ordered

Find veil?

Book cake baker

Buy cake knife & server

Order save the dates – done 9/25/12

Send save the dates – in the mail on 10/13/12

Book officiant – Josh Green

Pre-marital counseling

Order guest book – N & S letters for non-traditional Guest Book

Finalize guest list

Find a reasonably priced videographer

Hotel room blocks – check on the condos at Stardust

Calligraphy - DIY!

Engagement announcement in papers

MOB & MOG dress shopping

Find wedding shoes

Bridesmaid shoes - Found, need to order

Find wedding jewelry

Order garter

Book makeup artist & hair stylist

Menu tasting

Take bridal portraits / hair & make up trial

1st dress fitting – late Feb.

2nd (final?) dress fitting

Make ceremony programs/fans

Figure out where we want to do first look

Figure out where I'm getting ready & where Skye is getting ready

Who will set up ceremony chairs? - venue staff

Order invitations

Address invitations

Mail invitations – late Feb/early March

Book rehearsal dinner venue

Book RD caterer

Book RD rentals

Book RD music

Buy RD dress

Order pom poms for send off

Order koozies for favors

Buy bridal party gifts

Bachelorette party - St. Patty's Weekend 3/16/13

Bridal shower

Purchase wedding bands

Create wedding day timeline

Put together picture list for photographer

DIY signs for Sequoyah Rd. and venue

DIY signs for reserved seating & seat yourself

Get marriage license - March

Book transportation from reception to hotel

Book honeymoon - narrowing down options

Get passports made

RD invitations

RD groom's cake

Final vendor payments

Music selections to band and ceremony artist

Book wedding night hotel room

Order thank you notes

Wedding announcement in papers

EAT, DRINK & GET MARRIED!

 

I had a wonderful meeting with my "wedding coordinator" of sorts last night at our venue. This is what it looked like at sunset...no filter. I HOPE & PRAY for a gorgeous day for our wedding! It definitely renewed my excitement!

And here is where I'm about to get all emotional on you...

Skye and I are a "good time" couple. We joke a lot, drink party and like to have fun. I think a lot of people don't get to see our sweet side as a couple. Everyone loves Skye - he's very lovable and funny, but not everyone gets to see how sweet he can be to me with a little kiss on my forehead or sitting through Harry Potter movies with me. I want our wedding to be a blast. I want people to say they had the time of their lives at our special day. However, I'm also starting to think that I want to get some emotions involved. I'm not an overly outward emotional person. I found these vows on Pinterest and I cried. This is what I want!

Source: Arianna Dicus via http://weddingdaypin.com/?p=42623

Now I have the bright idea for us to write our own vows. Originally I did not want to do this because I knew I would cry...but I'm thinking it would add a special emotional touch. I can't tell if it's my hormones pushing me to make this decision or the sane me? Did you write your own vows - why or why not? I need help with this decision!