This & That

Long time, no see guys! I have to admit that life has been pretty hectic lately. Between work, church things, the boyfriend and friends - I barely have time to get enough sleep these days. But don't let me fool you into thinking I'm not ridiculously happy right now! Life is pretty great.

Mother's Day has come and gone and honestly I'm glad it's over. It was difficult for me and I wrestled with the anxiety for about two weeks leading up to it. It's just a part of what comes after losing your mama - the holidays, birthdays, family occasions, etc. will be difficult, especially the first time around. Now that people have moved on with their own lives and aren't constantly checking on me, I'm left not really knowing how to feel sometimes or how to act with how I'm feeling about not having my mama around. My heart has been a little heavy throughout the process trying to cope, but yet still trying to look for the positive that can come from this situation. I am so thankful for bloggers (Katie, Jennifer) who, unfortunately, have gone through this loss before me and have helped me to know what to expect through their writing. The Lord has been SO GOOD to surround me with people who are nurturing and supportive of me, some of them in the smallest ways they probably don't even realize.

One thing that's been convicting me so much since Mother's Day is that I am my mother's legacy. I was her first born child, her only daughter and probably the child that was the least close to her ultimately, but I am still her legacy. I want to talk more about that soon, but not right now. (Heavy Topic Alert!)

Let's get caught up!

Two weeks ago I saw NEEDTOBREATHE, Drew Holcomb & Ben Rector in concert - so so good!

You like how I drop the BOYFRIEND bomb and then just peace out? A little suspense never killed nobody!! Announcing your relationship is official on the blog can feel like the kiss of death. But so far...boyfriend and I are good. So amazingly crazy good. (Pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, so I could literally gush about him for days, but I'll spare you.) You should just rest assured that I have not felt like this in a long, long time, years. Like since the Skye era. Knowing that it could all blow up in my face tomorrow is scary, but remembering what it feels like to be a smitten little kitten is worth it. Insert ALL of the heart eye emojis.

I apparently cannot get enough of TSwift and all the things she does. Anybody else completely in love with this song??

Finished Amy Poehler's Book Yes Please. I knew she wouldn't disappoint, but I was laughing out loud most of the time. My favorite part?

I've been partaking in quite a few happy hours lately. When spring rolls around and work days get long I really have to admit that I love to unwind on a patio with a cold adult beverage. Judge me, if you must.


Speaking of The Countess... I am so obsessed with the current RHONY season. I'm a little behind since life has kept me from DVR binging as much as I'd like to, but I just can't get enough of this cast. I think it's the best cast they've had in a long time! (Maybe minus Dorinda, not crazy about her.)

I can't promise that I will be posting very regularly throughout the summer, but you know I won't be able to keep my mouth shut for too long. In the mean time, I'm always available for stalking on Instagram & Twitter if you need more frequent life updates.

XOXO

Look Before You Leap...Or Something Like That

Writing posts about dating has never been difficult for me. Sometimes it makes me cringe to look back at certain things I've said in posts, but I can say that my dating posts have been accurate descriptions of where I'm at in my life. It's kinda cool to be able to look back over the past two years of singleness  documented here on my corner of the internet and see how things have progressed. I do love an honest update. So now how to describe where my dating life is currently...

Earlier this week would have been my two year wedding anniversary if Skye and I would have gone through with getting married back in 2012. Honestly, I didn't even feel the date coming on this year. I was reminded by Timehop (dang you, Timehop!). I didn't even cry. It just felt very strange. Very much like remembering something from a movie I watched years ago, instead of feeling like an experience I actually lived through. I'm in a good place with that baggage right now. Parts of that story will always be hard for me, but that's okay because I truly wouldn't want to forget. The most recent ex-boyfriend baggage is in a decent place too. It felt like we were in a stage of limbo for the past couple of months - trying to be "friends" and remain on good terms since we go to church together, yet not really being sure how to make that happen. We got to a place last week where we decided we can't be friends, and honestly I'm okay with that. AND the best news...drumroll please...I actually have a new boyfriend!! Not just someone I have a crush on, but a full blown boyfriend. I am SMITTEN and things are really good right now. It makes me so excited to feel this way again, but I'm also trying to keep myself grounded. Which if I'm being honest, is really hard to do! Especially with a boyfriend as hot as mine! :)

Dating does funny things to a 30 year old woman. It can drive  you batty, make you feel empowered, drive you to drink, or (like in my current situation) act like you've never been hurt a day in your life and just LEAP. It's much easier to allow yourself to become scarred by the battles you've faced. Been there, done that. Represented loud and proud, all day, erryday with my former black heart. That's not a fun state to live in! And it's not sustainable for someone who genuinely wants to settle down. Letting people in and being vulnerable is hard, but truly necessary work. Being that I am the ripe old age of 30, I am well acquainted with my strengths and weaknesses. I know the reasons that I would consider myself to be a great catch. But that doesn't mean that I will be everyone's cup of tea. Taking a leap in dating means that you have heighten awareness of these truths, but do not allow them to hold you back. It's a fine line that can really trip most of us up. With all that being said, I've had to come to terms with the fact that it is possible to take a leap and end up falling flat on my face. I think that fear is what holds us back most. Nobody wants to get their feelings hurt.

The evolution of my dating life is an interesting thing to study. Looking back, I see times when I should have stood my ground more and trusted my instincts. I see times when I probably shouldn't have been so overly guarded. I see mistakes, let downs, learning experiences, I see awesome stories - there's a lot to see in the dating life of a 28-30 year old!! The thing that is different for me right now is that I'm ready to take a leap. So... I'm taking a leap! Are there uncertainties? Absolutely yes. Do I have insecurities? Duh, They can feel crippling at times. It's okay to feel those things - and even better to push through them. I don't know what will happen here, but I know that I am trying to pray my way through it. I mean it when I say I want to settle down. I mean it when I say I'm ready. But I know ultimately it's not up to my timing. God knows the desires of my heart (I'm pretty persistent in telling him often), and He's the only one who knows how my story will unfold.

Remember my 2015 word? BELIEVE. I am choosing right now to believe this season of my life will serve a purpose. And I know it will. I believe that what God has planned for me is unable to be thwarted (how you like that word!!) - even by my own selfish, sometimes stupid, decisions.

My best dating advice today is to take that leap, friend. Jump in head first into the deep end. Believe that it can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you - but also know that it might not amount to anything. As scary as trying anything new (doesn't have to be a relationship) can feel, you have to try to know how it plays out. It's like playing the lottery - you gotta play to win. If you would have asked me a year ago, my advice would have probably been polar opposite. If you ask me next week, everything could have changed and it could very well be different too. But for today, I am urging you to leap.

Once again, my life has come down to being summed in a Sex & The City quote...

 

Thursday Thoughts

I sure needed to hear this right now. Reminder from Lysa TerKeurst this week:

"If there’s something Jesus needs to address with you, so be it. But remember, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Jesus doesn’t use the statements, “You always do this..” and “You never do that..” Jesus doesn’t use our situations against us. He simply brings truth to life and asks us to align with it."

 

Words are my love language - good morning texts, apologies and random compliments change the world, friends.

 

People on my Instagram keep asking me what kind of mascara I use: 3-in-1 by elf. My eyelashes are naturally long anyhow, but who would have thought a $3 mascara could be so good!! I'm a big fan of all of their products that I have tried. Can't beat that price either.

 

Last night I had my first meeting about going back to the Dominican Republic for a mission trip again this year! Excited doesn't even begin to describe it. I could end up spending the week of my birthday serving the Lord and honestly, there's nothing more I would want for my 31st. Pray for me so that I don't just make this commitment because it's something I want to do selfishly, but because I feel called to do it. (If you're new around here, you can read all about my trip last summer here.)

 

I'm dating again. Sometimes I feel like it's hard and sometimes I'm light hearted about it. Nothing too serious to report back right now, but I'm sure you can expect a new dating post soon. These stories must be told. My friend Jen had a weird one recently too!

 

Do you Influenster? If you don't, then you are missing out! Influenster allows you to test products for FREE, based on information you fill out about yourself. All you have to do is show them some love on social media and offer reviews. The most recent product I tested for them was these Neutrogena Naturals MakeUp Remover Wipes. LOVE them! They smell fantastic and leave my face feeling clean and refreshed and not dry. Great for post workout. Plus, Neutrogena is launching a #wipeforwater campaign to promote efforts to save water. A lazy girl makeup remover is the perfect way to get started!

 



I haven't seen the 50 Shades of Grey movie... but I am all about the soundtrack! Especially these two jams.

 

 



Enter the Season of Lent

I am a sinner. Every single day of my life, I am a sinner. Some days I actually physically feel the weight of my sins more than others. Do you know what I mean? Some days my bad choices, my selfish actions and my hateful words can really haunt me. These are the days when I should really offer myself grace. I'm an imperfect person in an imperfect world so of course I fall short. We all do. I tell myself that we all have these days. (These are also the days when that grace can feel pretty far from reach, if I'm being honest.)

 

I was supposed to have an amazingly romantic Valentine's Day last week with the most perfect boyfriend. Instead I spent that day alone, watching Bridesmaids and feeling like I never should have broken up with him two weeks before VDay. I was supposed to be traveling on my way to a Bethel Worship Night yesterday in Birmingham, but due to the snow and icy weather conditions here we had to make the decision not to go. I am pissed off about it. I felt like I needed that trip, the community with the people I was going with, the presence of the Holy Spirit, the pick-me-up - all of it. Tension in my family is at an all time high right now. The consequences of my mom & stepbrothers' actions have been really affecting me and I'm just fed up with it.

I've found myself complaining a lot. I've spent about a week solid being pissed off, only with each passing day my anger is growing. I'm mad about how things have gone down with my now ex-boyfriend. I'm pissed off that I still want to be with him and I'm mad at myself for all the back and forth that I have put him through. I broke up with him, why am I so torn up about this? I hate that us not talking makes me feel like he could care less. I'm not in control of this situation. I'm disgusted with my mom. And how in her typical fashion, she finds a way to end up mad at me over the consequences of her actions. I'm not in control of her actions. I'm heartbroken that I feel like I needed this trip for a worship night so badly and it gets cancelled. I'm not in control of the weather. I feel like I'm nearing the end of my rope. Discontent is weighing down my heart.

Enter the season of Lent.
I'm not sure your experience with Lent; my own personal experience has actually been pretty shallow. Until the maybe 3 years ago, I had heard of Lent, but never had a personal connection with it. Heck, I really didn't even know what all it signified in Christian culture. I've never even participated in giving up anything for the season. Last year I did the 40 day Overcome the Lie prayer challenge, which did include giving up something we felt had a hold on us for that time period. It wasn't exactly aligned with Lent though (it started on Feb 1) so I'm still going with the fact that I haven't actively participated.

Yesterday I found this article. Divine timing indeed.

"But this is a messy season. It’s much like our lives. Over time, our hearts and souls, when left unattended, get messy. Lent invites us to deal with the mess. This is not about quickly cleaning things up and pretending they were never there, nor is it about ignoring the mess. Lent invites to roll up our sleeves and sort through the debris of our lives.

We are confronted with our mess, and so on our foreheads we rub a little dirt reminding ourselves that just as Eden has gone to ashes, so, one day, we will too.

This is what Lent does. It allows us to see the parts of ourselves we’d rather leave covered up. It asks us to drag our full self into the light of day no matter how dark it may be. As we near the end of Lent, we encounter Good Friday. For centuries, the people of God mark this day by participating in the Stations of the Cross remembering the trial and crucifixion of Jesus."

Like a slap in the face, I tell ya. A much needed, slap in the face at that. My life feels flat out messy right now. The most comforting truth, for me, is that I am the daughter of a Savior who wants my whole entire heart. The ugly parts, the hurting parts, the doubtful parts, even the prideful parts and especially the parts that are begging for his grace. 

I'm also doing the She Reads Truth Lent Study (started yesterday so you have plenty of time to jump in on this one).  

Joel 2:12-13 (ESV)
Return to the Lord

¹² “Yet even now,” declares the Lord,
    “return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
¹³     and rend your hearts and not your garments.”
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
    and he relents over disaster.

 "Much to my dismay, the call to return to God is not written alongside a long list of to-do’s, an attainable checklist so I can feel sure I’m returning correctly. No, there is just one qualification—to return with all my heart. Evidently the cleaned up, feel-good part of my heart is not all God is looking for. He doesn’t want only the parts of my heart I’m willing to let others see—He wants the whole messy, confused, narcissistic, achy thing. 

So, to recap: You and I and our whole unholy selves are called to turn fully, openly, and sans-covering to the holy, almighty God of all the universe.

[Insert deep breath here.]

It’s no wonder we try to come to Him with layers of lies and pride and every other self-preservation instinct intact. It makes sense, right? Except it doesn’t… because Jesus."

Today's message was clearly written for me, don't you think? I wrote this blog post yesterday afternoon in tears of frustration, not knowing how to clean up my own heart. This morning I am offered these words of hope. I cannot fix my heart. The Lord will heal and restore me. "YET EVEN NOW..." Even after I've served my self first and allowed discontent to settle in,  EVEN NOW God pursues ALL of my heart with steadfast love.

 

 

Man, I am beyond words thankful for people who keep it real!! For people who pour out their hearts and confess their fears and inadequacies. Because honestly, we all have them. We all battle with similar demons. I adore the tender moments when I allow myself to feel fully known and surrender my own struggles. There's healing in this process. The Lord continually draws me near to Him and there is no place I would rather be.

So this year for Lent, I want to give up serving myself and all the fears and doubts that go along with that. Lent is ALL ABOUT recognizing our sins and turning away from them, in order to kneel down at the cross. It's about intentional prayer, intentional steps to avoid distractions and just revel in the beauty that is our walk with God. That means diving into my "messy" and revealing the parts of me that cry out to be healed. It's much harder than giving up Diet Coke or social media, but I know it's something that I must do. I want to slow my pace, obey the Lord and I will wait expectantly for him to rekindle that fire in the my soul.

Something extra - I know I said this yesterday, but this song is REALLY speaking to me lately. Take a listen to the words.

  

believe: Jan Update

Here we are a little over a month into 2015 already. I remember being 10 years old and "older" people telling me how quickly it goes by as you grow up. They sure weren't kidding. I feel like a 90 year old lady even saying that, but it's true. I have high hopes for this year, including embracing my 2015 word: believe. However, one month down and looking back I'm not feeling so great about my momentum. I'm still choosing fear over faith.

 

I've been struggling quite a bit lately with fear. My tiny fears have somehow managed to snowball into these anxiety ridden roadblocks that prevent me from believing in God's promises for me. I have been looking backwards, going through the motions, trying to do too much, and misplacing where I've tried to anchor myself. As someone who so desperately wants to live every second of my life for God, it's really hard to know what to do with myself during these times. I am all about that self condemnation life. So you know what I have done? I have pushed Him aside. I have backed down from the belief that the Lord will tackle my fears. I have become complacent and disconnected.

 

We are in a series at church right now about listening to the Holy Spirit, even during the insanely busy times. I have spent a large portion of the past two days trying to BE STILL and listen to what the Holy Spirit tells me. Wishing for a glaring sign that I didn't feel would actually come. Trying to quiet my busy mind and listen for any whisper of hope. (Let me just tell you it's not an easy thing to quiet this mind!)

 

Then last night finally a breakthrough! Praise the Lord! Really long story short, during a 2 hour prayer night with a group I'm involved with at church the Holy Spirit gave me Psalm 37:3-7 to reflect on. We have all heard these verses a hundred times, but it was everything and exactly what I needed to be reminded of in that moment.

 

Psalm 37:3-7 "Trust in the Lord and do good. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him and he will help you. v.7 Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for him to act."

 

Honestly, I hadn't been doing any of that. My lack of trust the past couple of weeks is embarrassing for me to admit. I haven't been able to delight in Him because I've been so focused on my worries. I definitely haven't been committing everything I do to Him. And the last thing I have done is to be still or patient ... quite the opposite actually. So randomly finding these verses last night felt like I was reading them for the first time, and everything was clicking. Only it wasn't random at all. Sounds hokey, I know, but there is nothing like that feeling. I immediately was brought to tears and felt the presence of the Lord drawing me back to Him. It felt like a hug with wide open arms, I might add. No condemnation for straying, only immeasurable grace.

 

So what does that look like today and moving forward?

 

My God > my flesh

                  my failures

                 my fears

                 my future plans for myself

                 my fickle heart

 

My God = FREEDOM

 

Today I do feel like my load is lighter. Some of the circumstances of my life are sad currently, but I have the utmost belief that my God is greater than any of that. I broke up with the boyfriend, and as much as that makes my heart ache right now I do have a peace about it that I've never had in the past. He's so amazing and I selfishly don't want to not have him in my life, but I know God will work it out for us both. My family is experiencing a tough time right now too, but I know God has plans for this struggle. 

 

My faith has come so far, I cannot help but praise the Lord for all the ways He has changed my heart and continues to grow me. I think moving forward looks like me embracing the Holy Spirit, God's Word, His heart, His love and resting in those truths.

 



Source



Also, I'm doing the Love God Greatly study on Community right now. Moving forward means being active in growing my "Community" and leaning in to be supported & to support others. How can I help support you with the season you're in right now? Let's lift each other up in prayer!

 

 

XOXO

 

 

True Meaning of Christmas, brought to you by Hallmark Movies

Confession: I have watched approximately every single Hallmark movie of the Christmas variety this season. Which has surprised the heck out of me since I'm not usually a Christmas movie person. Quite the opposite actually. These movies leave me feeling full of hope that not every Christmas has to be lonely or painful. I've learned that broken engagements offer much more hope than despair, that second chances can change lives and plenty of families are dysfunctional. I'VE LEARNED THIS FROM HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIES!!! I can't decide if that's sad or not. But truthfully, all of these lessons have really hit home with me this season.

 

Christmas has truly taken on a new meaning for me this year. I have spent many Christmases in my life focused on the wrong things, wrong people, with the wrong attitude. I've spent the last two Christmases trying to find a balance within this life that didn't really feel like my own. This Christmas felt better. I dove head first into the Advent season this year and was really trying to reshape my own thoughts about how Christmas can mean more to me.

 

I know it's been a while since I've updated you guys on life happenings so maybe I should start there. Two days after I wrote my Thanksgiving post, the boyfriend and I got back together. (You can roll your eyes if you want, I promise it's okay) Classic case of spoke too soon. The thing about it is, when you just keep coming back to the same person over and over again no matter what happens (or when someone continues to pursue you over and over again no matter how scared & fickle you may seem), you have to explore that situation fully. I have no idea how we will decide when our actual anniversary is because I think we officially have like 7 of them now, but who cares. Things are so amazingly (sickeningly) good right now! (I'm not sure how I feel yet about being SO open with this relationship on the blog, but if you follow me on Twitter, Instagram or if we are Facebook friends then you'll get your fair share of our story.) One thing I will tell you is that on our first Christmas together, we got each other the same gift. This song has meaning in our relationship and I guess it truly is a sign that we are finally on the same page! We could not stop laughing about this, it was so crazy!

My family life is pretty complicated right now. Those relationships are messy and that's usually why Christmas is such an exhausting event for me. I mentioned that I chose not to spend Thanksgiving with my family this year, and for Christmas it was very much the same. I visited both my parents briefly on Christmas Eve then spent Christmas Day with a friend's family who treats me just like one of their own. Dysfunctional families are a part of life. Even the most put together families have dysfunction, I know that. Even Hallmark families have their fair share. Mine can really feel heavy at times, and it leads to me feeling so lonely and not like a part of my family at all. I'm so thankful for a church family and the absolute best group of friends who always remind me that I am loved.

 

Also, a couple weeks ago I got the chance to see Ann Voskamp, Ellie Holcomb & Amena Brown when they came on The Greatest Christmas Tour to Knoxville.

I love all of these ladies so I was super stoked to go see them, but I honestly wasn't quite as excited about the Christmas message. I left the program that night feeling so hopeful for the message of the Advent season and resting in God's love this Christmas. I was filled with even more hope than a Hallmark movie could offer me. My favorite quote from that night was from Ann Voskamp, "Cease the pace to do, to buy, to be more. Come as you are. You don't have to earn Christmas. You don't have to make it. You don't even have to like it. You can just rest in Christmas." You might be having a DUH moment right now, but I had a total WOW moment that night. I've never really viewed Christmas as being about what gifts I receive. But I am totally guilty of making it about what I can do to make Christmas great - whether it be gifts, food, or anything. The best lesson I've learned this Christmas is that my greatest gift is not my gift at all. It's simply my surrender in this season that typically overwhelms my heart in the worst way. My surrender means just being this empty space for God to fill with his love, kindness, goodness and letting those overflow from me. I'm not sure that I exactly nailed it this year, but I can say it was the best holiday season I've probably ever had.

 

This week we also had our Christmas services at church. Y'all know I'm crazy in love with my church and the fact that God continues to show up there week after week and is making big things happen in our community. Christmas services always knock it out of the park though.

My sweet boyfriend is one of our worship leaders so of course, I'm quite partial to him and that just added to my love of the Christmas services this year. It blows my mind to think that this time last year we had just met and barely knew each other and now we've been the better part of this year together (well trying to be together haha). And not only that, but God has shown up BIG time for me in so many other ways this year. This is only my 2nd year attending a Christmas service at OneLife. I simply cannot fathom what God will do in my life and in our church in 2015. Who knows what my life will look like at the next Christmas service. If I even tried to imagine, I'd be putting God into a box that He is so.much.bigger than. But I feel confident that he's going to rock my world, in the best way possible.

We sang the O come, O Come Emmanuel song and the lyrics have just been stuck in my mind for the past couple of days.

 

Rejoice, again, I say, rejoice
For unto us is born the Savior of the world
Take heart, oh weary soul, take heart
For help is on its way
And Holy is His name

 



When my soul and my heart begin to feel life's burdens, I hope I can remember these lyrics. Christmas is all about the Savior of the world being born and what that means to us. Help is here, and I don't have to feel like I'm doing this life thing alone.

I've learned so much by surrendering. I feel like I say that a lot here. But honestly, it's something that I continue to learn. Choosing faith over fear this year has brought me to where I am right now, which is exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's not easy and I most definitely don't always realize that the first time around. But just like in the Hallmark movies, second chances are sometimes the best learning experiences. I gave Christmas a second chance this year, and I really liked how it played out. I rested in what Christmas represents this year and I found true joy. I'll keep letting God work on this old heart of mine, and next year I'll probably practically be a Griswold. 

Hope all my little loves had a very Merry Christmas! XOXO

 

Thanksgiving, as an Action vs. a Holiday

Here I am, again, in this place where I have SO MUCH to say but can't find the right words. More accurately, I'm scared to speak the truth of the words that I'm feeling. I'm afraid of judgment, afraid that saying things out loud makes them real, and anxiously awaiting something amazing to happen so that I can fill my posts with that instead.

 

I feel myself sliding into a valley. Not a spiritual valley necessarily (thank the Lord), more like a life valley. One of those times when things are just "ehhhh" and that's honestly about the best way to describe them. Life feels a little bit messy right now. Work, family, relationships - all of it, presents me with more complicated days than easy ones.

 

My go-to girl Hannah Brencher apparently feels my vibe and wrote this post JUST FOR ME. I mean, come on! You know how much I love her, and her words always seem to speak truth into my given situation. Spot on. Thank you Jesus for HB and her connection to my soul!

 

If I'm being honest, my current valley probably has so much to do with my breakup. The boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. I'm not sure I can adequately describe to you the journey our relationship traveled since last March when we went on our first date. Roller coaster would be pretty close to a perfect term to use. I want so badly to believe that it was just a timing issue. I feel like we are such a great pairing on paper, but something was holding me back from riding it out to see how the story ended. I prayed...and prayed...and prayed some more but I never received that crystal clear answer that I wanted from God. Just that consistent feeling of hesitancy. I know that not all relationships are made to last, but I wanted this one to. I just don't know how much more back and forth either one of us could have handled. I have no choice but to put all my hope in the fact that if God wants to bring us back together, then He will control the path that leads us there. So there's that.

 

The holidays, in the past couple of years especially, have been a time of struggle for me. I can't tell you how incredibly overwhelmed I was at the thought of having to spend the holidays with my boyfriend's family. I could cry just thinking about it even still. Can we say ISSUES?? Something about all the family time and celebrations makes me feel like an outsider. I can't survive a family get together of my own without crying, resorting to drinking or daydreaming of stabbing someone (usually my mother). Loneliness is constantly lurking in the back of my mind telling me to compare my situation to everyone else's. I'm sure that's at least part of why I want my own family so urgently - to have that comfort of being an actual part of something. God has rescued me from these feelings of self pity so many times, and yet here I am entertaining the idea of them again. It's ridiculous.

 

I want to live a lifestyle of thanksgiving and praise God greatly for all that He has given me. I'm doing this awesome She Reads Truth bible study right now that's all about thanksgiving (the action of it, not the holiday). The other day Give Thanks in Suffering hit the nail on the head for me. I beg you to read this if you are going through any kind of suffering right now. Because I promise you, there's no way you can read these biblical truths and not feel beyond thankful to a Savior that offers HOPE. It offered me a much needed reminder that: This isn't all that there is. Our story goes on. Life gets better. God has BIGGER & BETTER things planned for you and I!

"Sisters, it’s okay to be sad. But we know Jesus who died for us in love and rose again in love, so that all that is broken can be redeemed, so that in the midst of terrible pain we can know this isn’t all there is.

 

Our hope is never in vain when it’s in Jesus. Our thanksgiving in times of suffering is a testament to how temporary the pain is in light of our great eternal joy and our everlasting hope."

 

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”- Romans 5:5

 

 

This Thanksgiving (as in the actual holiday this time), I will be surrounded by amazing friends who love me unconditionally. I might be single again, but I am not alone. I will have a full belly, a warm house, and money to go Black Friday shopping. I am thankful for this valley, and all that it will bring. I cannot imagine a better place to be than here, where God draws me close to Him and covers me with his love. What more do I need?? My heart will overflow with praise for the Lord for all the blessings I do not deserve. I will wait expectantly and hope for a season of life that comes with a view from a mountaintop instead of a valley.

(PS - this is a great one too, Giving Thanks In Sorrow). "When you think you’ll never again be able to sing a song of thanksgiving, try it anyway. Our hearts may not be comfortable praising tragedy, loss, or bad days, but our hearts were created to praise the Hope of Glory."
 

Happy Thanksgiving friends! I'm thankful for the friendships I still have from blogging, and for all the support you give me when I whine :) XOXO

Five on a Friday!

I'm pretty sure that the 5 on a Friday link-up isn't going on right now (hopefully just during the summer?), but I'm just going to pretend like it's still a thing. And since I'm clearly a part-time blogger now, Fridays are all I have to offer you. #sorrynotsorry Life, it has been a'happenin!

 

{ONE}

I have a boyfriend!!!!! A real, live, Facebook official and everything boyfriend. I know you're probably either experiencing a heart attack at this moment, or you have fallen out of your seat because I knocked your socks off. It's true. I'm not even sure I remember how to have a boyfriend, but here we are. It makes me want to pee my pants with excitement and terrifies me at the same time. He's a saint, y'all. And my absolute most favorite thing about him is his heart for Jesus. I had never looked for that in a boyfriend before, so I never realized how incredibly attractive it is.

 

"If you are a woman of God, don’t sell your spiritual birthright by marrying a guy who doesn’t deserve you. Your smartest decision in life is to wait for a man who is sold out to Jesus." - J. Lee Grady

 

{TWO}

Football is back. Praise the Lord! First home opener game was a big fat WIN, and just so happened to be sold out. There are few things in life that are sweeter than spending an evening with 102,000 of my closest friends and cheering on our boys. I had a blast!

Actual picture I took at the game - gorgeous skies that night!

{THREE}

If you can listen to this song, and not sing it all day then you're a better woman than I am. My co-workers are probably sick of hearing me sing "I'm bringing booty back" non stop.

{FOUR}
I started an online bible study with Love God Greatly about the book of Esther. Can I just be 100% real with you right now and tell you that it's only the first week and I have been blown away by what God is revealing to me? In just a few short days, my heart is lighter than it's been in weeks.

I've been struggling with a lot of emotions recently, and being in a new-ish relationship (while exciting) has definitely caused me some internal conflict. It's so easy to become complacent and too focused on the world's distractions around us. I am incredibly guilty of this, especially since I got home from my mission trip. While God is always pursuing me, I can easily push my pursuit of him to the side. When stress starts to weigh me down, I can all too easily fall back into the ways of claiming control over things as a coping mechanism. I revert back to old ways of dealing with my emotions - which is basically not dealing with them. Old, ugly scars were definitely starting to rear their little heads with my relationship issues. None of that is from God. This Esther study started at just the right time. It is truly amazing the ways that God will reveal himself to us, if we just make the time to seek him. I am constantly in awe when this happens to me. Yet it happens time and time again. This verse just captivated me.

"Not to us, Lord, not to us, but to your name be the glory..." -Pslam 115:1

I forget sometimes that I'm a changed person. My natural instinct is extreme independence. I used to pride myself on the strength that came from that. But I am reminded that I do not have to face any of these feelings alone. That instead, if I pour my heart out to God, He will renew me. I am reminded that through my weaknesses, God shows his healing power.  And that is the best feeling. Glory to God!

All that being said, just wanted to share this little nugget from Wednesday's lesson with you.

 

{FIVE}

If you read nothing else this week, read this. I love the idea of women holding each other accountable, advocating for each other, and just supporting each other - no matter what stages of life we are in. I would gladly do this with ANY of you over guac and margaritas - even if we have to do it virtually. It's important!

 

Happy Weekend, my loves! AND GO VOLS!

An Age Old Question

The other day at work we had a full out debate about a question people have been asking themselves for generations. Can boys & girls really be JUST friends? As in close friend, BFF type of relationship, with no other feelings involved?

 

I gotta say I've always been an advocate for opposite sex friendships. I can't think of a time in my life that I didn't have a male BFF. I just relate to guys - I like sports and beer and it's easy for me to transition into "one of the guys". For a girly girl, I feel like I'm pretty masculine as far as my emotions and outlooks on some things go.

 

With all that being said, when it came my turn to defend my position for YES there is such a place as JUST friends - I felt torn. I'm starting to think I've been wrong my whole life and it's not actually possible for men and women to be JUST friends on more than an acquaintance level. To be clear, I'm talking two completely single people. Not single girls being close to married/attached men or vice versa.

 

I've come to realize that I might have developed a slight issue with boundaries since I've been single. Actually before I was single. Maybe this happens to all of us (hopefully?) or maybe it's just me. But I am pretty dang good at blurring the lines of a friendship vs. more than friends situation - without actually managing to turn anything into an actual relationship. For the record, I don't think this is a positive thing AT ALL!! It creates messes, hurt feelings and sometimes even voids relationships. This has been on my heart so much lately, and I've spent some time reflecting on how I've ruined relationships.

 

Lots of variables come into play here, in my mind. And let's just have some real talk -

 

1. Ex-boyfriends of the serious nature. I'm not one who can be too chummy with my serious ex-boyfriends. There's just too much history and the dangerous enemy of nostalgia always sneaks in when you even entertain that idea. We broke up for good reasons, and let's not forget those. I have one who still loves me and one who hates my guts, but my feelings are firm on being friends with both of them. Not happening!

 

2. Ex-guys I've dated, term used loosely. Not talking on a serious level or for years. Whether it be off and on, or just a matter of months, or a handful of dates. These are tricky. I have a couple who I've kept in my back pocket for backup dates, but you know these things will never play out. These are guys you've been out with for the sole purpose of going on a date. You aren't REAL friends, but you don't really want to date them either.

 

3. Old friends. Then there's those guys that you've known since 1st grade. You're comfortable with them. You've probably kissed them a couple times throughout middle/high school and college. Maybe more. They are comfortable, they know your history, they get you. Oh, how comfortable makes it easy to open some doors that never need to be opened. And you can always say "we have always just been good friends". LIE.

 

 

If you are married or have been in a relationship for years, then you might turn your nose up at me, and this post. And that's fine. I remember very clearly having tunnel vision too when I didn't have to experience certain things. It's not your fault you haven't, and it's not a terrible thing that I have. I wish I was more innocent and hadn't made mistakes. But when I can look at the mistakes I've made and see a pattern and realize that I want to fix that problem, then that's progress.

 

I think it all comes down to healthy boundaries in relationships. Clearly, I don't know a lot about those, but I do know: I need positive male relationships in my life, and ones that I don't try to manipulate for my wants/needs. I need to work on being more intentional with my feelings and actions. I need to work on filling my heart more with God's love vs. seeking a man's attention. I need to mantra myself to death with not settling.

 

I read this and it really hit home with me. It brought tears to my eyes, even. Especially this:

How we treat men is how they are going to treat us back. Our actions speak volumes into a guy’s ear telling him exactly how we want to be treated. Flirting with every guy, or even just one guy, who you know is not the one for you is simply selfish. Some will say, “I just have a flirty personality.” I’m just going to be real here and say that notion is absolutely and totally ridiculous.

 

The truth hurts sometimes, and this is my truth. I'm 29 years old and it's time to stop playing games. I think I have a little self help to do in the boundaries department! 

Real Talk (as a form of Monday Motivation)

I have not a clue why I feel like it’s my job to bring Monday Motivation…but alas, here we are. I had an epiphany of sorts over the weekend. And by epiphany, I mean a mental breakdown. Now to be fair it’s been a little while since I’ve had a good breakdown so I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised by it.  I had a nice little post written up to start the week off right too – a post about how to pray as a single girl during what feels like a season of waiting. But honestly I had to keep it real with y’all. Not that I lied in that other post, because it all came from my heart too. But my heart is just a different state as of right now and I wanted to share that with you instead.
 

So our story starts Friday night – the 4^th of July, which in case you didn’t know is one of my 3 favorite holidays. I feel like everybody in my life used to know that and now only a couple people know that fact. Sadly, it just doesn’t hold the excitement for me that it once did. But ANYHOW – I spent Friday with a full heart. I had a busy day, and ended the evening at a get together with a bunch of people from my church. Such a great day! Towards the end of the night, I happen to take inventory on the people I’m surrounded by and all of a sudden realize I’m the only single person in attendance. I’m with so many people who love me and are important to me, but the breakdown consists of two engaged couples, plenty of married couples, kids galore and ME. Nobody was treating me in a way that made me feel different or left out or anything, but once I noticed this fact it was literally ALL I could think about it. Don’t you hate it when your mind just controls you like that?
 

The party ends and I come home to an empty house – totally and completely in the beginning stage of feeling sorry for myself. I turn on the TV and Sex and the City is on – which happens to be one of my favorite movies. I remember after my breakup, watching that movie with brand new perspective – you know I’m talking about the part where Big ditches Carrie before the wedding. I remember feeling those exact same feelings and relating to what had just happened in my own life.  I felt dead inside, like Carrie felt dead inside. I don’t think people quite understand that feeling - and if you don’t then thank your lucky stars! The quote that always stands out to me still is when Carrie & Miranda are shopping for Halloween outfits (just before she sees her issue of Vogue for the first time) and Carrie says, “I KNOW it happened to me, but I still can’t believe that it happened TO ME.” I saw that Friday night and I lost it. I STILL FEEL THAT WAY SOMETIMES! I definitely felt that way Friday night. And for the first time in a long time, I missed my old life. I missed the ease of things, and the comfort of being snuggled up tight in my comfort zone. I missed Skye and so many things about him – like how he always went out of his way to make the 4^th of July a huge deal for me. And I wanted it all back – the life, the imperfect relationship, the years spent together, the ring, the future, the planned wedding – in that moment I would have likely sacrificed so many things to get my old life back.

 

And yeah that’s a terrible thing to say. I feel awful even admitting that out loud. Mainly because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today if I hadn’t survived through that tragedy of a broken engagement. But it’s the God honest truth. And clearly that stigma still haunts me. I hate that I let it define me. And my enemy knows that – and when he comes to prey on me he knows exactly what ammo to bring. I just cried and looked at our engagement pictures – because I’m a weirdo who likes to torment myself. (And because I really love those picture and how skinny I was) And I prayed. And I’m here to tell you that even right now I’m still battling a little bit with those feelings. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking I’m a crazy person – and I wouldn’t disagree with you –but I know that if 1 year and 8 months later this can still creep back in and affect me, then other people might be dealing with fighting similar battles. And that’s what makes us human. I spent a lot of time this weekend looking backwards. Going over things in my head and wondering how they might have played out differently.

But really, that’s time wasted. I felt like I was in control of my life then – and obviously I wasn’t. I know that God is control of my life now – but I still have bad days. I am so thankful for my faith and all God has done in my life – especially in the past almost 2 years. I know things now that I didn’t KNOW then about God’s grace. And how even when I am a whiny crybaby and wish to go back to a life that didn’t value or praise Him, the Lord still loves me relentlessly and welcomes me with open arms to taste his forgiveness. That’s something that my ex-fiancé could never in a million years offer me.  He left me and never looked back. God reminds me that this is all just a part of my story to tell. My relationship with Him doesn’t exclude me from sadness, but it offers me a new kind of hope. Hope that the best days of my life are not behind me – but they lie ahead of me. Which is why that CS Lewis quote helped me SO much during my rough patch.

And even though I think the lesson this weekend has been a valuable one, I’m ready to get back to feeling like my perky old self again!

How can I pray for you guys this week? Tell me specifically what you’re struggling with and let’s pray together that we conquer these battles!

On Following Your Heart

Well I know everybody wants to know what the deal is with me and the so called future boyfriend that I mentioned about a month ago. It is with some sadness that I report back to you with news of our "breakup". He is a fantastic man. He goes to church on Sundays (he even came with me to my church), he's so good looking, we have so much in common, but I had to break it off with him. I've re-written this post probably 100x in the past week or so, because honestly there's just not an easy way to say why. And let me just be clear and say it definitely was NOT what I wanted to do.

 

I know this might sound crazy to some people, the reason I ended it was because he wasn't at a point of being able to be the spiritual leader in our relationship. This is a new concept to me too - considering I've never been in a relationship where we put God first. It's not easy. And men who love God on more than just a go to church on Sundays kind of way, are hard to find. (They do exist though). But this is an area where I can't settle. I've gotten so many mixed responses from people in my life who just don't understand. "Why can't you be a catalyst to help him grow closer to God?" has been a common response when I tell people this situation. And I get that, I really truly do. I love talking with people about my story and my faith and all the truly incredible ways God has worked through me and changed me. But as far as being in a serious relationship with someone, where we are looking to settle down, raise kids and navigate life together - I just know that God has a different plan for me. I know that he has someone for me who is completely ready and willing to play the role of a spiritual leader, and someone who is truly a Godly man.

 

That's not an easy conversation to have with someone. And honestly I felt judgey towards him. I understand the point that he's at, because I've been there. I can't do work on his heart that the Holy Spirit is only able to do. It's a difficult crossroads to be faced with a decision that I don't personally want to execute. I TOTALLY wanted to date him, but I continued to feel convicted and felt like I needed to really pray about my decision to make things official. And ladies, let me just tell you that when you REALLY get serious about praying over a relationship and asking God to show you His way - you better mean it. Over a period of about 2 weeks, I was blown away by how God answered my prayers. Pretty much daily during that time period, I was given my answer. And each day it still wasn't the answer I wanted. I was reminded about God's perfect timing for my life, about trusting in Him, about the type of man that He wants for me. There was no way for me to deny the feedback I was receiving.

Source: Set Apart Girl (Leslie Ludy)

It seems silly to even say it out loud. But I stand firm on the fact that my relationship with God is number one in my life. And if I am going to say I want to try to live like Jesus then I really need to be intentional about doing that. If I'm dating a guy who doesn't have the same priorities as me, and who isn't as invested in his faith as I am, then eventually it would wear on me or on our relationship. "Future boyfriend" and I discussed the future a lot in our breakup chat(s) - we had to have two of them because it was a little difficult - and it could very well be God's will to bring us back together again. But in this moment, we both recognize that things just aren't the way they need to be.

 

It reminded me that dating can be tough - especially when you are genuine about trying to find a life partner. I'm not looking to hook up with a guy, or date him for a couple months until somebody better comes along - I am so through with all of those things that could never begin to fulfill my heart. Being single has been a little bit of a roller coaster for me. Some days I hate it and I don't feel good enough, but some days I love the freedom. Mostly, I know that I was meant to have this season in my life. If I had gone through with marrying a man who didn't love God last year, then who knows where I would be right now. Probably not where I am. And if God wants me to be single a little bit longer - to prepare me, to help others, to share my story - then I'll gladly do it.

 

Lauren DeMoss @ thefulltimegirl is an awesome resource for single women who seek Jesus