Another Day, Another Dollar, Another Year Older

I just celebrated another birthday last week on September 18th. (For the record I started writing this post in September - yet somehow now it's October 25th and I'm just now posting it...a month later... LIFE!)

I didn't turn a milestone age or anything like that, but I would definitely say I'm coming off a record year or two. Losing my mom, Getting engaged, getting married, finding out I'm pregnant - all within a whirlwind amount of time. "Record" to me, meaning unlike any other and unable to be compared to any other. The age of 30/31 was the purest definition of a record year. I'm not sure any other year of my little life has been more significant in shaping the "adult" me.

 

It's comical to me when I look back on the past few years of my life. I just KNEW that 30 was going to be the year that changed my life forever. And I guess, in a round about sort of way, things did change a whole lot. God pushed me to lots of uncomfortable places when I was 30. I loathed the idea of being " a 30 year old", but I took solace that my life was in His hands and He was 100% guiding me where I needed to be. He taught me to learn to believe that the best things were yet to come (and they truly were). But as with any period of massive growth, there were hardships endured too. The hardest thing ever, actually, when I lost my mom in April 2015. God's timing is truly something to be in awe of though. I can only see that now, a year and half later as a I look back on how things played out.

 

My faith has played a gigantic role in molding me into this more "adult" version of myself. That's how I like to think of myself anyhow - the more adult version of who I used to be. It's ok if you know me in real life and you just literally LOLed at me calling myself an adult at all :) God changed everything for me after a traumatic breakup in 2012, and while I still think I retained pieces of my former self; I feel like a much different person than I was before that happened. And I mean that in the best way possible.

I started looking through my Instagram account (because you know, I'm so wise in my old age) to see if I could pinpoint any so-called lessons I've learned throughout the past year. Just wanted to share some of those with you today!
 

 

 

    

Basically, there are reminders that I need every single year. And probably will need every single year for the rest of my life. I sometimes have a comparison problem, which is also linked to a worrying about how people will think of me problem. It's forever going to be about not getting caught up in life's hustle and just stopping to breathe, be grateful and allow yourself to feel blessed. I probably need someone to tell me that everyday.

 

The only new lesson this year is "Growing tiny humans is exhausting" because let's face it, it really is! I had no idea! But we'll save that for another post.

 

Here's to another year of needing Jesus, needing support and love and making memories!

 

On Becoming a New Mommy...

I need to word vomit, and ramble and maybe cry? Not sure about the crying - some days yes, some days no. (HORMONES!) I just need a steady stream of consciousness with how I feel - good, bad and ugly 3rd trimester edition.

Pretty sure I also just a little bit need some reassurance and someone to tell me to CHILL!! Probably that more than anything else.

But first, here's a glance at how much my baby boy has grown in the past 10 weeks! Only 10 more to go!!! I cannot believe how fast the time has flown by.

holy baby bump!

 
Don't say I didn't warn you...

 



As a soon-to-be new mommy, I am reading what feels like hundreds of articles and tidbits of information daily. There is so much information related to pregnancy and children to digest, in a very small amount of time! It can certainly feel overwhelming. (Much like being pregnant itself can feel overwhelming at times.) Every single day of this journey, I have felt thankful for this gift of my child. That being said, as we get closer to the due date of my little man I do feel anxious. The fear of the unknown is very real.

 

When I was in my younger-mid 20's, I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids. Maybe it was who I was dating at the time and their agenda that I had adopted, but regardless I often said out loud that I wasn't really sure about the whole having kids thing.

 

Now?

At the age of 31 and pregnant with my first child, I would give anything to go back to being in my 20's to get this party started. However, as my husband likes to remind me, if I had started then it wouldn't have been with him and this whole story would end up looking totally different. Good point! I have to remind myself (quite a bit some days) that everything is happening exactly the way that God intended for everything to happen. More specifically, that God has already written every single day of my baby boy's life and the best part about that is? He chose ME to be Cameron's mom. He knows I can do this and I'm the only person who has what it takes to be my child's mother.

It's hard for me to fathom that I was once the girl who said she didn't want kids. Or even the fact that I was lukewarm to the idea of it all. Oh how time can change us! These days I am more than mildly obsessed with this little boy growing in my belly. My every thought revolves around him, and my time is spent trying to savor each little kick as he navigates around inside my belly. I could literally sit for hours and watch/feel him move, or watch my husband and stepdaughter talk to him or feel him move in response to them. He just has no idea how loved he is already!!

Sure, a baby changes things. Actually, a baby changes absolutely everything. It's probably going to rock my world. I think no amount of preparation could ever get us ready for his arrival. No amount of me thinking, "HOLY $HIT CAN I REALLY DO THIS?" is going to make feel more ready.

One thought lingering around my mind these days is can I really mother without my mother? I know that I am not the first person in the world to experience the birth of their first child without their mother. But sometimes that is really heavy on my heart. We take each day without my mom and we navigate what the day brings us. The milestones are hard. Planning your wedding to a man your mother never met is hard. Revealing your pregnancy to your family and remembering how much my mom wanted to have grandkids is hard. I do know for a 100% a fact that if my mom was still here, she would be driving me absolutely crazy. (Sorry mom, but you know It's the truth!) Even though she was a flawed parent (aren't we all?), my mom had 4 kids and I know I would be able to count on her right now. To talk me through things, to ease my fears, to be another family member to deeply love my child.  I think a lot of it has to do with the feelings of overwhelming love that I'm feeling and will forever feel for Cameron, as my first born child. I was my mom's first born child and she always told me how special that was - that, and the fact that I was her only girl. I wish so badly I could just talk to her right now and unload all these feelings. I know she would have a way of putting me at ease.

People tell me it's "normal" to feel the things I feel. However "normal" it can be to feel the absolute most excited, yet completely terrified about something at the very same time...

I need to step back, take a DEEEEEP breath and focus on the things I can control. My attitude, my responses to others, my actions. I am in love with growing this baby inside of my body. It's truly mind blowing and the absolute biggest blessing in this life. I do not want to take a single day for granted that I get to carry this baby and the sheer fact I am growing him in my body. It's such a miracle! I am blessed with a healthy, happy pregnancy. Sure, there are days when I feel like screaming WTF at my body or feel overwhelmed, but that's life. I've remained healthy, and my baby is healthy and growing. I can't even put into words how thankful I am for my husband. I know I've probably taken him for granted a lot lately, but he's been wonderful. Bless his heart for having to deal with me!! I choose to remain grateful in the face of fear. I have so much to be thankful for, and that's where my focus needs to be. I am guilty of letting negativity creep into my mind and control my thoughts.

Hopefully when Satan decides to quit breathing his hot summer air around me, I'll feel much better. Being 7 1/2 months pregnant in the summer is for the birds!!!!!!!! HA! I need to look into yoga or meditation. As thankful as I am for carrying this child, he sure does love to hang out right under my ribs and it hurts like crazy! Love you Cameron, but I need you to reposition yourself.

I told y'all - I'm crazy right now!!

 

Let's Talk Life

Almost four long months have gone by without even so much of a hint of a blog post...

That might be a new record for radio silence around here.

Have no fear, friends, I'm still alive and well! I have missed my blog and my bloggy friends, but I haven't really felt inspired to write about much lately. A million things have happened in my world that have caused me to draft a post, but the words just never seemed to come out right to match how I felt. I hate that too because blogging has always been such a positive outlet for me. I thought I would just try again today. I need a release!

Life always hit me the hardest around the holidays. The past three holidays seasons have been especially hard for me. I've been in a place of trying to heal a broken heart for a while now. And while I do feel like I'm finally healed up from that breakup 3 Novembers ago, the holiday season just always triggers this major anxiety within my heart. I should be excited because it will be my first holiday season with my boyfriend. We have been dating for 7 months now (CRAZY, right??) and there's so much to celebrate there, but sadly I think we are not going to end up together for Thanksgiving and it's really bothering me. I'm feeling Debbie Downer-ish. There are so many reasons why. My family is messy - both sides of it. I don't really feel like I belong within my biological family, for the most part. That's really hard to say - even harder to feel, but it's true. I have always searched for a "family" to adopt me outside of the people who are blood related to me. I have always imagined marrying a guy whose family just takes me in and never makes me feel like an outsider. I desire that so much!

This will be my family's first holiday season without my mom. Some days that makes me feel sad, some days it makes me feel numb, but most days it just makes me feel anxious about how it will be. Last Thanksgiving, I struggled internally with whether or not to even participate in my family's Thanksgiving get together. I ended up going for maybe an hour and it was a complete disaster. My mom had just finished a round of chemo and she was so skinny and sickly. But she was also hurting and not dealing with everything well so she was drinking heavily to mask her pain. She was hammered drunk when I got there and things just went downhill from there. It was a painful time. The holidays are typically a time reserved for celebrating time spent with your family, and it's honestly just a harsh reminder for me that I don't have that. The negatives are weighing me down.

I looked back to my post last year for Thanksgiving, and now I'm sitting here crying as I read these words again this year:

(PS - this is a great one too, Giving Thanks In Sorrow). "When you think you’ll never again be able to sing a song of thanksgiving, try it anyway. Our hearts may not be comfortable praising tragedy, loss, or bad days, but our hearts were created to praise the Hope of Glory."

I am reminded that hope is never in vain. Even when it feels useless, it's not. Even if you have to tell yourself that every second of the day just to make it through. Hope in Jesus is always the only way to survive anything. I might be struggling with the heaviness in my heart right now, but hope is the only way to overcome. I truly believe that! When I focus on the family situation I currently have, the family I want, or the shortcomings with either - I am completely heartbroken. I become overwhelmed when I focus on the things that weigh me down, but I am lifted when I fix my eyes on Jesus and his promises. I cannot even tell you how reassuring of a thought that is to me today.

I went back to SheReadsTruth today for a little inspiration and wanted to share with you what I found. "His promises hold fast, even when your world is crumbling. In everything, He is good. In everything give thanks." Sweeter words have never been spoken. When I feel like I don't have anyone to count on, I have the Lord. When I feel let down by everyone's conditional love and empty promises, I have Jesus who will never leave me and never stop showing me how faithful He is.

Source

I stole this from SRT too because I thought it was a good exercise in thanksgiving. Maybe someone else needs this reminder today just as much as I did.

Let’s actively thank our good God today.

I will give thanks in…

1. this joyful thing:
2. this suffering:
3. this certainty:
4. this stress:
5. this injustice:
6. this sorrow:
7. this plenty:
8. this want:
9. this wandering:
10. this waiting:

Wishing you all a truly Happy Thanksgiving, filled with warm hearts and full bellies! XOXO

What Means The World To You

"Cause money mean the world to me, Imma shine for the world to see..."

I sincerely hope the title of this post has taken you back to your younger days and you are singing Cam'ron in your head as we speak. That was MY JAM when I first started driving! If you don't know who Cam'ron is then I don't even know what to tell you... Apparently my life revolves around song lyrics so I need all my friends to cooperate.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about funny life can be - about how quickly things can change, how ironically things can play out, about how worrying about the future does us absolutely zero good. (Even so, I'm pretty sure we are all guilty of worrying from time to time anyhow.) I'm at this place in my life right now where I feel like I'm teetering on the cusp on great change - and when these feelings hit me I'm always compelled to look back on how things have progressed.

I read this post today from my friend Annie Downs on turning 35 and what that means. I say she's my friend, but really we haven't met in real life. I just love her and I can relate to her story. This was my favorite part:
"It means all day today, I will celebrate the life I have. Not the one I’m missing out on or the one I’m waiting for, but the one I have. It means I wouldn’t trade what I do have for what I wished for. And I will celebrate how God made me. Not who I wish I was or the things I would change, but who I am. Today."


Perfectly said, RIGHT?!?!! My 31st birthday is quickly approaching in September. That statement is scary as crap to write and say out loud. 31????? When did I get old enough to be an almost 31 year old!!!! You know birthdays always make me feel some kinda way - 2013, 2014. Getting older tends to make me feel antsy. 


BUT My 30th year goal was to be in love with my life, every minute of it, and I think I'm finally starting to get a grip on that. I'm slowly learning at the ripe old age of 367 months old how to celebrate the life that I have TODAY and not worry about the one I thought I was missing out on.

I say that I feel like I'm on the edge of change for a lot of reasons. Talks of engagement, marriage, babies, traveling more for work, future life plans and lots of big girl things are happening these days. All of which are HUGE life changes, well worth celebrating. I'd be a lying dog if I told you I wasn't tickled pink with how things are going right now. I'm in such a strong place emotionally, for the first time probably since Skye and I broke up back in 2012. Being in a good place emotionally doesn't mean that I have it all together or that I don't cry when I have PMS. But it does mean I am better equipped for handling the challenges that inevitably come my way. The death of my mama back in April taught me so much about my emotional state and my ROCK that is my relationship with God. He has offered me a fresh start at everything. Not without struggle, and not with the promise of no future struggles, but with the faithful TRUTH that He will sustain all struggles. It's taken some time to cleanse my heart of hateful things and  to learn the glory of true grace. I hope I never stop learning this lesson and never stop extending it to others because it's been radically life changing for me. I'm not perfect at it, (not even close) but the Lord has brought my heart such a long way in these past three years. It just feels good to feel at peace with where I am. I'm thankful beyond words!

So what means the world to me? Loving my life fully. Being surrounded by people who love me and support me. Embracing changes when they come. Getting on my knees to thank God for His blessings - in good times and bad. Celebrating what I have and who I am. Grace, grace & more grace.

This & That

Long time, no see guys! I have to admit that life has been pretty hectic lately. Between work, church things, the boyfriend and friends - I barely have time to get enough sleep these days. But don't let me fool you into thinking I'm not ridiculously happy right now! Life is pretty great.

Mother's Day has come and gone and honestly I'm glad it's over. It was difficult for me and I wrestled with the anxiety for about two weeks leading up to it. It's just a part of what comes after losing your mama - the holidays, birthdays, family occasions, etc. will be difficult, especially the first time around. Now that people have moved on with their own lives and aren't constantly checking on me, I'm left not really knowing how to feel sometimes or how to act with how I'm feeling about not having my mama around. My heart has been a little heavy throughout the process trying to cope, but yet still trying to look for the positive that can come from this situation. I am so thankful for bloggers (Katie, Jennifer) who, unfortunately, have gone through this loss before me and have helped me to know what to expect through their writing. The Lord has been SO GOOD to surround me with people who are nurturing and supportive of me, some of them in the smallest ways they probably don't even realize.

One thing that's been convicting me so much since Mother's Day is that I am my mother's legacy. I was her first born child, her only daughter and probably the child that was the least close to her ultimately, but I am still her legacy. I want to talk more about that soon, but not right now. (Heavy Topic Alert!)

Let's get caught up!

Two weeks ago I saw NEEDTOBREATHE, Drew Holcomb & Ben Rector in concert - so so good!

You like how I drop the BOYFRIEND bomb and then just peace out? A little suspense never killed nobody!! Announcing your relationship is official on the blog can feel like the kiss of death. But so far...boyfriend and I are good. So amazingly crazy good. (Pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, so I could literally gush about him for days, but I'll spare you.) You should just rest assured that I have not felt like this in a long, long time, years. Like since the Skye era. Knowing that it could all blow up in my face tomorrow is scary, but remembering what it feels like to be a smitten little kitten is worth it. Insert ALL of the heart eye emojis.

I apparently cannot get enough of TSwift and all the things she does. Anybody else completely in love with this song??

Finished Amy Poehler's Book Yes Please. I knew she wouldn't disappoint, but I was laughing out loud most of the time. My favorite part?

I've been partaking in quite a few happy hours lately. When spring rolls around and work days get long I really have to admit that I love to unwind on a patio with a cold adult beverage. Judge me, if you must.


Speaking of The Countess... I am so obsessed with the current RHONY season. I'm a little behind since life has kept me from DVR binging as much as I'd like to, but I just can't get enough of this cast. I think it's the best cast they've had in a long time! (Maybe minus Dorinda, not crazy about her.)

I can't promise that I will be posting very regularly throughout the summer, but you know I won't be able to keep my mouth shut for too long. In the mean time, I'm always available for stalking on Instagram & Twitter if you need more frequent life updates.

XOXO

5 on a Friday!

{ONE}

Well... it finally happened to me. One month after my 30th birthday, I found my first grey hair. You would think I was dying. I was literally in tears on my bathroom floor. Getting older is awful. I'm totally going to blame this on the darker hair that I'm rocking right now. I don't think I ever would have noticed if I was still rocking my blonde hair. Back to blonde I go the next time I get my hair done! Ignorance is bliss.

 

{TWO}

It's been an emotional week for me. (Thank you for all your amazing support yesterday, by the way!) Dealing with life, finding the grey hair, and then I watched the RHONJ finale. Talk about a tear jerker. Teresa has not always been my favorite NJ housewife. I've loved her and I've hated her at times. But I was genuinely tore up about her getting sentenced to 15 months in prison. What a sad reality for her family! OOOOOH also, did y'all hear that Bethenny is coming back to RHONY?? I can't wait for that! She is my sarcastic idol.

Remember the good old table flip days from Season 1? 

I love it when my housewives show their crazy.

{THREE}

Whatever you do just serve God well. In overcoming this season of clutter and the feelings it stirs within me, I have to remind myself that I am blessed to be a passionate person. Even though sometimes my passions take over and I feel pulled in a million different directions. I thrive when I am serving others and feeling productive. I just have to pray that the choices I make, I will be obedient and serve God well every step of the way. Amen to that! So thankful for these reminders that others sometimes feel this way too.

{FOUR}

Fall things are happening. I loooooooooove fall. Fall TV, football, weather, fall beer & iced PSLs, clothes, Hocus Pocus - I want it ALL. I'm a hot natured person so I love the crisp air in the mornings & evenings. I wish I could move somewhere that it's 70-50's year round. Perfection!



The bookcase in my office has a very Harry Potter-ish vibe right now with my witch hats, sorting hat style.
Target Dollar Bins FTW!

I did a craft class last week and we painted mason jars! So easy, fun and cute decorations! I'm Southern, we do everything with mason jars.

{FIVE}

Just a short week from tomorrow, I'll be heading to Florida for a week for a work conference. I can honestly say I'm so excited to get away from my real life. I cannot wait to unwind, disconnect and just have fun. OH, AND I'LL BE AT THE BEACH! There will be work happening, but I'll also have some free time. And when my life makes me feel like I want to run away from it, this timing could not be more perfect.



Pearls of Wisdom - from a 30 year old

Yesterday was my birthday, in case you missed that memo. I'm officially the big 3-0 now, or as I like to say I'm 360 months old. I had to get a new driver's license picture and everything. My 29^th year ultimately delivered me to a place of grace, peace and – dare I say, maturity. (everybody who knows me in real life has my permission to laugh at the thought of me being mature). I mean, if Prince Harry can rock 30 then shouldn't I try to do the same?

 

I said it last year on my birthday, and I'll probably forever say it, but getting older is scary for me! The thought of moving into the 30's age bracket literally makes me want to vomit. It feels very "quarter-life crisis-ish". And by that I mean I'm definitely getting a new tattoo soon.

But even so, your birthday is YOUR day to feel loved and I definitely felt the love. Thank you to everyone who called, sent me a text, an email or a card - and especially Erin who sent me flowers!!

I am reminded of the great Carrie Bradshaw's quote about age brackets:

 "Your 20's are to make mistakes, Your 30's are to learn your lessons, your 40's are to pay the drinks."

I most definitely made more than my fair share of mistakes in my 20's. But isn't that what it's all about? Learning who you are and growing into who you want to be. My hope is that my 30's will bring me invaluable life lessons. Lessons of love, faithfulness, family and hope. I solemnly swear to eagerly pass those lessons on to others, over drinks of course, once I reach my 40's.

My only goal for my 30th year is to be in love with my life. Crazy in love with every single minute of it. The good, the bad and even the ugly - just to love it and know that every twist and turn serves a purpose.

 

Not Your Typical Mission Trip Recap

I've been back from my mission trip to the Dominican Republic for over a week now, and every day I've delayed writing this blog post. It's not because I don't want to tell you all the amazing experiences I had - because I do. I just don't know how to craft the right words to make you feel like you were right there with me. And honestly, I'm having lots of feelings about being back home. Sad feelings. Lost feelings. How can I make this trip matter feelings. To be fair, I was warned that this would happen. That people would ask about how the trip was, but in reality they don't want to hear the stories of life change. They want a simple answer - an awesome,  an incredible or just to see the pictures. And they want to pat me on the back for going. So that's what I've been spouting off for over a week now. Simple answers. I've told short stories about the heat, the lack of wifi, the food and the overall culture shock. The things I feel like people expect to hear.

 

But I have yet to sit down with someone and just pour my heart out. Tell someone how many countless times I cried because I saw God moving in this community. About how every single night I prayed to God that He would use me, and everyday He delivered. Tell someone how I so desperately want to live like these people - putting God before everything, no distractions in life and using every breathe to praise Him. That's not even an exaggeration, they use every ounce of energy God gives them to praise Him. I have never felt more loved on and accepted in my life.

Our first time seeing the Greenhouse Project area, where we would work together with the people in the community to complete the greenhouse. And hearing Pastor Daniel's vision that God was bringing to life.

 

Tell my stories about Anyi - a fierce, joyous woman who loves nothing more in this world than her Savior - a woman who hugged me for 20 minutes while we both cried as she continually said to me "I love you" & "God bless you" - a woman who I was forever changed by knowing for only a short week.

 

I changed my profile picture on Facebook to one of myself with one of my favorite little guys that I met, Wine (pronounced Win-nae). So people have seen his big gorgeous smile, but they don't know how much he touched my heart every time he hugged me and how we laughed together when I taught him how to wink. Or how we prayed together for both of our families.

 

I haven't told anyone how I was overwhelmed with emotion when I was speaking at their church, and telling a testimony of how God even brought me to their country in the first place. How blessed I felt in that very moment. Blessed to feel so connected with our God, blessed to have the chance to meet these people who wanted to pour out love all over me, pray for me and accept me as part of their family. Blessed to feel like I was making even the most tiny of differences for one moment in time. Not because of my work, but because I had been obedient when God called me and he was using me in ways I never imagined.

Pastor Daniel's Church in El Carrizal

The guy on the far left, Zacharias gave his life to God while we were there. It was incredible to see him surrender control and lead the way for his younger brothers.

This beautiful little girl, Angela, prayed for our team after we hosted VBS. She thanked God for bringing us, she prayed for our mission, for God to stir deep down in our hearts once we were back home, and she prayed that God would one day bring us all back together because we are forever family.

3 Community Pastors and our team leaders praying over them. The girls in yellow walked for 2.5 hours to come and sing at our community picnic. They wanted to see the people from America that God brought to serve the community of El Carrizal, and more importantly they wanted to pray over us and sing with us.

I've been internally battling with how to apply everything I felt while I was in the DR. I spent my time there thinking that I was missing the comforts of home, only to come home and find that life feels different. It feels cluttered and I'm finding myself distracted all over again. I've been playing catch up at work. I've spent a lot of time sleeping. This was all time that I could have spent praying for what's next, and telling stories that glorify God. Then yesterday, I read this post from my sweet friend Kenzie, about her similar struggle coming home from a trip to Africa. I'm borrowing her words right now, because I can't seem to find the right ones of my own.

 

"I wish someone would've told me that every time I now go to my closet, all I really want to do is throw everything out. That my style will never be the same again because the maxi skirts and t-shirts I lived in during my time there now hold a whole new meaning.

I wish someone would've told me that every time people ask how my trip was, I would daze off for a solid five minutes and still struggle to utter the words: "It...was...uh...perfect. It was perfect." Only to be disappointed with my response because HOW? How do I even begin to explain the way Jesus shattered my heart during my time there?

I wish someone would've told me I'd want to punch a wall when the response is, "Oh Kenzie, you are such a good person!" or "You have such a big heart!" or "You are a brave soul!" Because I'm not. I'm not any better than Abraham and Sarah's doubts or Rahab's lifestyle. My heart is the size of everyone else's and I am anything but brave. What I am is real. I'm afraid. Of being where God wants me to be. Of not being where He wants me to be."

 

All I can do is trust that I am right where God wants me to be. I don't want any recognition for doing what I feel like God called me to do. I want Him to glorified through this trip, through my stories and through the work we did in El Carrizal. If I learned anything at all while I was gone it was that I want to love bigger. Love like Jesus does. And loving can be hard for me. I'm sure certain situations will bring feelings of terror as I attempt to put these words into actions. But what an amazing feeling, when we just let go and let God do his thing through us. That's ALL I want my life to be about.

I know that as long as I am willing to let Him guide me, He will continue to amaze me.

 

Matthew 5:16 (NIV) 

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

I got the fever...

The baby fever that is, and it ain't no joke! I am totally and completely blaming this on all my girlfriends who have kids. ALL YOUR FAULT! I have developed from this person who used to ditch my friends with kids into this person who wants you to bring your baby when we hang out. It's such a strange thing for me!  Stop having the cutest kids ever and maybe that will solve it. Or maybe if I could stop getting older that would help? I don't know but it's got to stop!!

Except pretend this is Peeta from the book, not Peeta from the movie

It's been sloooowly creeping up on me over the past couple of years though. I found this post I did back in October 2011, first one from my Baby Fever label. Kinda makes me laugh now to think I felt "behind everyone" then and I was only 5 months away from getting engaged and just one year out from being single. Nice plot twist there...

 

So this is how it works when you're in your late 20's and single:

-You will date guys with kids now

-You have a cut off age for when you want to have kids

-You have a  guy friend who you have already contracted his sperm, should you still find yourself single around that cut off age

-You realize that by your age, your parents already had multiple kids

-Your family starts skipping the "when are you getting married" and go straight to the "when are you having kids" questions

-You have researched freezing your eggs

-You definitely have your baby names picked out so things can proceed quickly, if necessary

 

I hope you are laughing right now because that is the straight up truth and you know it!! I only have 6 years until my cut off age y'all. That is some scary business!! I hate that I even think of these things and can't just be patient during this season of waiting. No wonder men think all women are crazy.... let's face it, we are.

 

Overcome the Lie: 40 Day Challenge

I’m in a funk right now. I just feel blah. Blah about myself, blah about everything. And I have so many things to be thankful for, but some days I choose to focus more on the things that bring me down. I hate those days with a passion. I hate that I allow myself to be consumed by feelings of mediocrity and that I actually begin to believe those ugly little lies I tell myself.

 

I have a topic I want to promote today: Overcome the Lie. I was recently introduced to this site and have been fascinated by the movement. Maybe you are getting sick of my self help babble, that’s understandable...but for those who aren’t, stick around and let this marinate with you today. Maybe you need to hear this too. Have you bought in to the lie that hope is lost or ever feel like you're fighting a losing battle? How many times in your life, have you allowed others to shape your own opinion of yourself?? There are plenty of ways we allow the enemy to bring us down.

Personally, I have struggled with bashing myself. I am guilty of buying into the lies that I'm not good enough. I have people in my life who have said hurtful, awful things about me and tried to twist my character around, but those people are nothing to me. I am usually able to tune them out, but how do you tune out yourself? Some days I can, and some days (like right now) I totally believe into all the negativity. Maybe for you it's the opposite and other people affect you more. Either way, those are distorted versions of ourselves.

A perfect example is where I'm at right now in my own life. I have made the decision to stay single during this transition period. I've also allowed myself to gain 35-40lbs. Sometimes those are sensitive topics for me. I try to  be open and transparent here on my blog because I know it can help people, but it's not always easy to put it out there. I have grown in so many ways, but I still beat myself up.  I feel lonely sometimes, or not worthy. Often I tell myself that I am too chubby to date right now, I'm not as pretty as "her" or I'll be single forever. And even though those little comments seem harmless - especially when made in a joking manner - they really kinda hurt when they all add up.

So back to the self help stuff...Overcome the Lie is doing a 40 day prayer challenge starting Feb. 1st. I was allllll over this when I saw it! I love a good challenge and I can definitely use more accountability with my personal prayer time. My goal for this challenge is to focus on seeing myself how God sees me, even on my ugly days. If I want to be able to accomplish the amazing things God has planned for me, I have to see myself the way He sees me.

No matter where you are in your relationship with God - this is a great opportunity to take a leap of faith. I promise you will be surprised how much you can stretch yourself in just 40 days. Maybe you just need to meet new people and know you are being prayed for. The OTL ladies have NOT in any way asked me to promote this challenge, I just wanted to share the info with you. And there's still time to sign up, all you have to do is email them at: info@overcomethelie.org. I'm excited to see what the next 40 days holds for me!

 

BETTER

So on Monday of this week....which feels weird to say because even though today is actually Thursday it completely feels like a Monday...anyhow... on Monday of this week I shared with you a little about what I hope for 2014. I'm a goal oriented person. I love making lists and checking things off. But at the same time I'm not really into new years resolutions. I just want to make myself BETTER - in every way that I can. So that's what I'm gonna do for 2014!

Better attitude, better relationships, better body...just BETTER!

 

I'm sure I will stumble along the way, but in the stumbles I will have grace. At this time last year, I said I was excited and ready for new things...but I really wasn't. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I had a lot of discovering to do. 2013 was SO great to me though! I started the year with a shattered spirit. I couldn't deal with my emotions at all, and so I tried to eat and drink them away...unsuccessfully because all that got me was 30 lbs of weight gain and still feeling yucky on the inside. Slowly, but surely over the months after I put all my vices aside, I began to grow personally. I began to discover things that I didn't realize before. I got comfortable with myself and with being single. I joined a church that I'm completely in love with and made relationships that have brought me closer to, and helped me strengthen my own relationship with God. I crossed things off my bucket list. I made lots of new friends. It was a huge year of growth for me.  I learned to like myself more...even though I'm not the happiest with my weight, I'm still awesome. I became aware of self help - no one could fix me, I had to fix myself. I learned to laugh again, like really truly heehaw laugh. I changed my perspective on life. I am thankful for it ALL. For every single day - the ones where I questioned everything and couldn't make it through without tears and the ones where I stayed out late on work nights for just one more drink and one more memory. 

 

I am so much closer to the person that I want to be. But I can always make myself better. 2014...watch out, I'm coming for you!

 

 

Birthday Love

Since it's my birthday and I run this show I am spreading some wisdom today. This year has been a year of great change and growth for me. It completely blows my mind to think how different my world was one short year ago. But ya live, ya learn and ya move on from things that hold you back in life. I hate getting older. I've always struggled with it. 29 scares the hell out of me! But at the same time, I know this will be a year of great change too, in a positive way! And I am ready to make things happen!

My new lock screen says it all

20 birthday wishes + 9 life lessons = 29th birthday

20 Birthday wishes:

1. Luke Bryan - you know I HAD to!

2. gold iPhone 5s

3. fall in love

4. meet Kasey Kahne

5. travel somewhere new

6. stop lying about my age - YEAH RIGHT...

7. run the hell outta that half marathon in March

8. a winning season for the Vols - a girl can dream!!

9. blogger meet up this year in Nashville

10. more craft nights with my girls

11. find a skincare routine to prevent wrinkles since I'm old...or get botox

12. give back more

13. tithe regularly

14. treat myself regularly - massages, facials, pedis - I deserve it!

15. spend more time with my grandparents & cousins

16. more hugs

17. maintain the 5am club

18. visit a vineyard

19. go to an NFL game (can you believe I've never been)

20. tell every single one of you how much I love you as much as I possibly can

 

9 Life Lessons:

1. If God brings you TO it, then he bring you THROUGH it. I promise, I have been through PLENTY of bad things in my life and every time, with HIM I’ve landed on my feet at the end of the day. Psalm 18:2 “The lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.”

2. Don’t be a fair weather fan. Pick your team, run with them always. Coming from a Vols fan, I feel like I have mucho experience in this area.

3. Hand written thank you notes will get you far with people.

4. Always pick the boy who makes you belly laugh.

5. Cute panties can change your mood, always invest in cute underwear.

6. Love with your whole heart. I’m probably not the best person to give that advice, but it’s true. There is nothing better than loving someone so completely and getting that same love in return. It’s scary, but worth the risk.

7. Work to live, not live to work. This is my daddy’s advice really. I love my job! I am very blessed with it, and I get paid well to do what I do. However, family and home must always come first.

8. Learn to drive a stick. It will pay off

9. At any given time keep these in your purse/desk/car: compact, mascara, lip gloss, tampon, ponytail, floss – you never know when you’ll need those items. Oh and an airplane bottle of JackD – kidding…. Sort of…..

Got my free Birthday Starbucks so I'm ready to rock today!