What Means The World To You

"Cause money mean the world to me, Imma shine for the world to see..."

I sincerely hope the title of this post has taken you back to your younger days and you are singing Cam'ron in your head as we speak. That was MY JAM when I first started driving! If you don't know who Cam'ron is then I don't even know what to tell you... Apparently my life revolves around song lyrics so I need all my friends to cooperate.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about funny life can be - about how quickly things can change, how ironically things can play out, about how worrying about the future does us absolutely zero good. (Even so, I'm pretty sure we are all guilty of worrying from time to time anyhow.) I'm at this place in my life right now where I feel like I'm teetering on the cusp on great change - and when these feelings hit me I'm always compelled to look back on how things have progressed.

I read this post today from my friend Annie Downs on turning 35 and what that means. I say she's my friend, but really we haven't met in real life. I just love her and I can relate to her story. This was my favorite part:
"It means all day today, I will celebrate the life I have. Not the one I’m missing out on or the one I’m waiting for, but the one I have. It means I wouldn’t trade what I do have for what I wished for. And I will celebrate how God made me. Not who I wish I was or the things I would change, but who I am. Today."


Perfectly said, RIGHT?!?!! My 31st birthday is quickly approaching in September. That statement is scary as crap to write and say out loud. 31????? When did I get old enough to be an almost 31 year old!!!! You know birthdays always make me feel some kinda way - 2013, 2014. Getting older tends to make me feel antsy. 


BUT My 30th year goal was to be in love with my life, every minute of it, and I think I'm finally starting to get a grip on that. I'm slowly learning at the ripe old age of 367 months old how to celebrate the life that I have TODAY and not worry about the one I thought I was missing out on.

I say that I feel like I'm on the edge of change for a lot of reasons. Talks of engagement, marriage, babies, traveling more for work, future life plans and lots of big girl things are happening these days. All of which are HUGE life changes, well worth celebrating. I'd be a lying dog if I told you I wasn't tickled pink with how things are going right now. I'm in such a strong place emotionally, for the first time probably since Skye and I broke up back in 2012. Being in a good place emotionally doesn't mean that I have it all together or that I don't cry when I have PMS. But it does mean I am better equipped for handling the challenges that inevitably come my way. The death of my mama back in April taught me so much about my emotional state and my ROCK that is my relationship with God. He has offered me a fresh start at everything. Not without struggle, and not with the promise of no future struggles, but with the faithful TRUTH that He will sustain all struggles. It's taken some time to cleanse my heart of hateful things and  to learn the glory of true grace. I hope I never stop learning this lesson and never stop extending it to others because it's been radically life changing for me. I'm not perfect at it, (not even close) but the Lord has brought my heart such a long way in these past three years. It just feels good to feel at peace with where I am. I'm thankful beyond words!

So what means the world to me? Loving my life fully. Being surrounded by people who love me and support me. Embracing changes when they come. Getting on my knees to thank God for His blessings - in good times and bad. Celebrating what I have and who I am. Grace, grace & more grace.

Look Before You Leap...Or Something Like That

Writing posts about dating has never been difficult for me. Sometimes it makes me cringe to look back at certain things I've said in posts, but I can say that my dating posts have been accurate descriptions of where I'm at in my life. It's kinda cool to be able to look back over the past two years of singleness  documented here on my corner of the internet and see how things have progressed. I do love an honest update. So now how to describe where my dating life is currently...

Earlier this week would have been my two year wedding anniversary if Skye and I would have gone through with getting married back in 2012. Honestly, I didn't even feel the date coming on this year. I was reminded by Timehop (dang you, Timehop!). I didn't even cry. It just felt very strange. Very much like remembering something from a movie I watched years ago, instead of feeling like an experience I actually lived through. I'm in a good place with that baggage right now. Parts of that story will always be hard for me, but that's okay because I truly wouldn't want to forget. The most recent ex-boyfriend baggage is in a decent place too. It felt like we were in a stage of limbo for the past couple of months - trying to be "friends" and remain on good terms since we go to church together, yet not really being sure how to make that happen. We got to a place last week where we decided we can't be friends, and honestly I'm okay with that. AND the best news...drumroll please...I actually have a new boyfriend!! Not just someone I have a crush on, but a full blown boyfriend. I am SMITTEN and things are really good right now. It makes me so excited to feel this way again, but I'm also trying to keep myself grounded. Which if I'm being honest, is really hard to do! Especially with a boyfriend as hot as mine! :)

Dating does funny things to a 30 year old woman. It can drive  you batty, make you feel empowered, drive you to drink, or (like in my current situation) act like you've never been hurt a day in your life and just LEAP. It's much easier to allow yourself to become scarred by the battles you've faced. Been there, done that. Represented loud and proud, all day, erryday with my former black heart. That's not a fun state to live in! And it's not sustainable for someone who genuinely wants to settle down. Letting people in and being vulnerable is hard, but truly necessary work. Being that I am the ripe old age of 30, I am well acquainted with my strengths and weaknesses. I know the reasons that I would consider myself to be a great catch. But that doesn't mean that I will be everyone's cup of tea. Taking a leap in dating means that you have heighten awareness of these truths, but do not allow them to hold you back. It's a fine line that can really trip most of us up. With all that being said, I've had to come to terms with the fact that it is possible to take a leap and end up falling flat on my face. I think that fear is what holds us back most. Nobody wants to get their feelings hurt.

The evolution of my dating life is an interesting thing to study. Looking back, I see times when I should have stood my ground more and trusted my instincts. I see times when I probably shouldn't have been so overly guarded. I see mistakes, let downs, learning experiences, I see awesome stories - there's a lot to see in the dating life of a 28-30 year old!! The thing that is different for me right now is that I'm ready to take a leap. So... I'm taking a leap! Are there uncertainties? Absolutely yes. Do I have insecurities? Duh, They can feel crippling at times. It's okay to feel those things - and even better to push through them. I don't know what will happen here, but I know that I am trying to pray my way through it. I mean it when I say I want to settle down. I mean it when I say I'm ready. But I know ultimately it's not up to my timing. God knows the desires of my heart (I'm pretty persistent in telling him often), and He's the only one who knows how my story will unfold.

Remember my 2015 word? BELIEVE. I am choosing right now to believe this season of my life will serve a purpose. And I know it will. I believe that what God has planned for me is unable to be thwarted (how you like that word!!) - even by my own selfish, sometimes stupid, decisions.

My best dating advice today is to take that leap, friend. Jump in head first into the deep end. Believe that it can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you - but also know that it might not amount to anything. As scary as trying anything new (doesn't have to be a relationship) can feel, you have to try to know how it plays out. It's like playing the lottery - you gotta play to win. If you would have asked me a year ago, my advice would have probably been polar opposite. If you ask me next week, everything could have changed and it could very well be different too. But for today, I am urging you to leap.

Once again, my life has come down to being summed in a Sex & The City quote...

 

Thanksgiving, as an Action vs. a Holiday

Here I am, again, in this place where I have SO MUCH to say but can't find the right words. More accurately, I'm scared to speak the truth of the words that I'm feeling. I'm afraid of judgment, afraid that saying things out loud makes them real, and anxiously awaiting something amazing to happen so that I can fill my posts with that instead.

 

I feel myself sliding into a valley. Not a spiritual valley necessarily (thank the Lord), more like a life valley. One of those times when things are just "ehhhh" and that's honestly about the best way to describe them. Life feels a little bit messy right now. Work, family, relationships - all of it, presents me with more complicated days than easy ones.

 

My go-to girl Hannah Brencher apparently feels my vibe and wrote this post JUST FOR ME. I mean, come on! You know how much I love her, and her words always seem to speak truth into my given situation. Spot on. Thank you Jesus for HB and her connection to my soul!

 

If I'm being honest, my current valley probably has so much to do with my breakup. The boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. I'm not sure I can adequately describe to you the journey our relationship traveled since last March when we went on our first date. Roller coaster would be pretty close to a perfect term to use. I want so badly to believe that it was just a timing issue. I feel like we are such a great pairing on paper, but something was holding me back from riding it out to see how the story ended. I prayed...and prayed...and prayed some more but I never received that crystal clear answer that I wanted from God. Just that consistent feeling of hesitancy. I know that not all relationships are made to last, but I wanted this one to. I just don't know how much more back and forth either one of us could have handled. I have no choice but to put all my hope in the fact that if God wants to bring us back together, then He will control the path that leads us there. So there's that.

 

The holidays, in the past couple of years especially, have been a time of struggle for me. I can't tell you how incredibly overwhelmed I was at the thought of having to spend the holidays with my boyfriend's family. I could cry just thinking about it even still. Can we say ISSUES?? Something about all the family time and celebrations makes me feel like an outsider. I can't survive a family get together of my own without crying, resorting to drinking or daydreaming of stabbing someone (usually my mother). Loneliness is constantly lurking in the back of my mind telling me to compare my situation to everyone else's. I'm sure that's at least part of why I want my own family so urgently - to have that comfort of being an actual part of something. God has rescued me from these feelings of self pity so many times, and yet here I am entertaining the idea of them again. It's ridiculous.

 

I want to live a lifestyle of thanksgiving and praise God greatly for all that He has given me. I'm doing this awesome She Reads Truth bible study right now that's all about thanksgiving (the action of it, not the holiday). The other day Give Thanks in Suffering hit the nail on the head for me. I beg you to read this if you are going through any kind of suffering right now. Because I promise you, there's no way you can read these biblical truths and not feel beyond thankful to a Savior that offers HOPE. It offered me a much needed reminder that: This isn't all that there is. Our story goes on. Life gets better. God has BIGGER & BETTER things planned for you and I!

"Sisters, it’s okay to be sad. But we know Jesus who died for us in love and rose again in love, so that all that is broken can be redeemed, so that in the midst of terrible pain we can know this isn’t all there is.

 

Our hope is never in vain when it’s in Jesus. Our thanksgiving in times of suffering is a testament to how temporary the pain is in light of our great eternal joy and our everlasting hope."

 

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”- Romans 5:5

 

 

This Thanksgiving (as in the actual holiday this time), I will be surrounded by amazing friends who love me unconditionally. I might be single again, but I am not alone. I will have a full belly, a warm house, and money to go Black Friday shopping. I am thankful for this valley, and all that it will bring. I cannot imagine a better place to be than here, where God draws me close to Him and covers me with his love. What more do I need?? My heart will overflow with praise for the Lord for all the blessings I do not deserve. I will wait expectantly and hope for a season of life that comes with a view from a mountaintop instead of a valley.

(PS - this is a great one too, Giving Thanks In Sorrow). "When you think you’ll never again be able to sing a song of thanksgiving, try it anyway. Our hearts may not be comfortable praising tragedy, loss, or bad days, but our hearts were created to praise the Hope of Glory."
 

Happy Thanksgiving friends! I'm thankful for the friendships I still have from blogging, and for all the support you give me when I whine :) XOXO

Seasons of Clutter

Have you even taken inventory of your daily life and found yourself to be stuck in a season of clutter? Not necessarily physical clutter, but life clutter. I feel lately like my schedule is full of busy. I'm glorifying the busy in my life by keeping a tight schedule that lacks intentionality. I'm not a big fan of the way this realization feels when it hits me. I feel like I'm wasting time, saying yes to all the wrong things, throwing money away and not serving the purposes that I am here for. I'm always scatterbrained because I'm running on half as much sleep as I need, feeling ragged because I'm not taking care of myself and, if I'm being honest, I actually feel relieved when someone cancels plans with me because it frees up some time between hectic running back and forth. Nobody in my life is getting the best of me. Everybody is getting broken fragments of what I have left to offer. I find myself saying "I don't have time for..." constantly. I hate this feeling.

These seasons of clutter leave me feeling empty, drained, hollow. Like I have nothing to offer the people I love, the people I work with, the people who need me. Then it also leads to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, guilt and snowballs from there... I'm hard on myself, I know that. Too hard most of the time. I struggle constantly with showing myself grace.

Source

I am words person. You know this about me. I am good with words. I can comfort with words. I express myself through words. I can sit here all day and write a blog post that tells you exactly how I'm feeling and take myself on a journey as to why. But when it comes to real life, I feel like I don't have time for real, meaningful, gritty interactions with people. I don't have what it takes right now to put my words into action in my own life. And that disappoints me.

Then I read Stop Sleeping with Liars. Cue the tears. Stop whatever you are doing and READ that. Don't just read it, print it. Re-read it. Highlight the parts that speak to you. Send it out on social media. Memorize it. Make it the first thing you read in the morning, or the last thing you read before bed. Maybe you can't relate to this now, but one day you will. One day you will need these words to resurrect you.

"you’re human. That’s it. You’re not super human. You’re not subhuman. You’re just plain human. You make mistakes. You don’t scale walls. You hurt people without ever intending to. You get your heart ripped out of your chest. Some days the only language you can endure is tears and you’re like, “I’M SO FLUENTTT IN TEARSSSS. WHATTT ISSSS WRONNGGG WITHHH MEEE???” Like I said, you’re human. Go with it." - HB

I don't let the people in my real life comfort me. It's a lifelong struggle I have with letting people in. The hardest thing in the world for me to sit down and talk about what's on my mind and what's bothering me. I want to be a super human. And to me that means dealing with things entirely on my own, not discussing my weaknesses and not showing emotions. I have to remind myself that when I can display my weakness, it empowers Christ to work for me and through me (2 Cor 12:9). Lately, this season of clutter has left me feeling weak, full of emotions and not able to be comforted. My instinct is to retreat. But my friend Hannah Brencher can comfort me with her words like no other. Well, second to Jesus, that is.

(If you don't know Hannah, then you are missing someone who can speak life into you. I've said it before, but Hannah is my soul sister - even if she doesn't know it yet. Her words reach into the depths of my soul and inspire me to want better, do better - just be better. Her passion is contagious. I am convinced she was placed on this Earth to light a fire within me!)

"Accepting yourself will prove to be one of the biggest journeys of this lifetime. Pack the bags. Bring the toothbrush. March for the door and go. That journey is worth taking." - HB
 

So what can I do to remedy this?

Remember that I am human. Give ALL my insecurities, fears and anxieties to God - every.single.day. Embrace God's sweet grace. Offer myself the grace that He offers me daily. Accept that I am doing all that I can, and maybe some days that just doesn't look like much. Don't continue to beat myself up for mistakes I made years ago. Fall back in love with people around me. Be real and honest when I feel like I'm just not measuring up. Don't believe the lies that I have to be everything to everyone. Be passionate about making a difference in a few people's lives and that will be my change in this world. Pre-order Hannah's book that is coming out in March 2015 (she really should just hire me to work for her!).

 

Speak Life

I am such a words person. If you offer me words of affirmation, you are definitely speaking my love language. I'm an overuser of "I love you". I want people to overuse it with me. Plenty of times I've had a bad day and someone will speak words of encouragement to me and instantly I am lifted. In the same way that words can easily fracture our self esteem and hurt our hearts, they can also heal and uplift.



Source

The first couple of times I heard the Speak Life song by Toby Mac, I thought it was a little cheesy. Catchy, but cheesy. But right now, the words seem appropriate. Not only because of Robin Williams. But he is a part of my thought process too. Depression is real. It's serious. I've talked before about my mama's own struggle with addiction after addiction and the pits filled with depression in between. My worst fear has been getting a call that she's committed suicide. I have an ex-boyfriend who did commit suicide. I have friends who have told me they wanted to commit suicide. A man from my church committed suicide just a few short weeks ago.

 

Everyday people feel worthless. They feel unloved and alone. They don't know how they can survive the darkness they feel.  They become consumed with negative thoughts. It becomes too hard/to scary/too overwhelming to ask for help. And honestly, some days we are too wrapped up in ourselves to put ourselves in everyone else's shoes. But speaking life is a powerful thing. I'm certainly not a counselor, and I've never personally struggled with  a lot of these feelings, but I feel like it has to be said. I need the reminder myself to stop thinking so inwardly.

 

I think about a time when I felt lifeless. The people who used their words to comfort me became the people who helped heal me. And I thank God so much for sending me those people. I will never forget their words, their effort and how much it meant to me. It might not be enough to snap someone out of their sadness, but it matters. Loving people like Jesus does is not an easy task. I constantly have to remind myself that it's not my place to judge people's struggles, behaviors or stories. It's just my job to love them and be kind to them - no matter what. My good words have the ability to influence someone's heart, and that matters in this world.
 

An Age Old Question

The other day at work we had a full out debate about a question people have been asking themselves for generations. Can boys & girls really be JUST friends? As in close friend, BFF type of relationship, with no other feelings involved?

 

I gotta say I've always been an advocate for opposite sex friendships. I can't think of a time in my life that I didn't have a male BFF. I just relate to guys - I like sports and beer and it's easy for me to transition into "one of the guys". For a girly girl, I feel like I'm pretty masculine as far as my emotions and outlooks on some things go.

 

With all that being said, when it came my turn to defend my position for YES there is such a place as JUST friends - I felt torn. I'm starting to think I've been wrong my whole life and it's not actually possible for men and women to be JUST friends on more than an acquaintance level. To be clear, I'm talking two completely single people. Not single girls being close to married/attached men or vice versa.

 

I've come to realize that I might have developed a slight issue with boundaries since I've been single. Actually before I was single. Maybe this happens to all of us (hopefully?) or maybe it's just me. But I am pretty dang good at blurring the lines of a friendship vs. more than friends situation - without actually managing to turn anything into an actual relationship. For the record, I don't think this is a positive thing AT ALL!! It creates messes, hurt feelings and sometimes even voids relationships. This has been on my heart so much lately, and I've spent some time reflecting on how I've ruined relationships.

 

Lots of variables come into play here, in my mind. And let's just have some real talk -

 

1. Ex-boyfriends of the serious nature. I'm not one who can be too chummy with my serious ex-boyfriends. There's just too much history and the dangerous enemy of nostalgia always sneaks in when you even entertain that idea. We broke up for good reasons, and let's not forget those. I have one who still loves me and one who hates my guts, but my feelings are firm on being friends with both of them. Not happening!

 

2. Ex-guys I've dated, term used loosely. Not talking on a serious level or for years. Whether it be off and on, or just a matter of months, or a handful of dates. These are tricky. I have a couple who I've kept in my back pocket for backup dates, but you know these things will never play out. These are guys you've been out with for the sole purpose of going on a date. You aren't REAL friends, but you don't really want to date them either.

 

3. Old friends. Then there's those guys that you've known since 1st grade. You're comfortable with them. You've probably kissed them a couple times throughout middle/high school and college. Maybe more. They are comfortable, they know your history, they get you. Oh, how comfortable makes it easy to open some doors that never need to be opened. And you can always say "we have always just been good friends". LIE.

 

 

If you are married or have been in a relationship for years, then you might turn your nose up at me, and this post. And that's fine. I remember very clearly having tunnel vision too when I didn't have to experience certain things. It's not your fault you haven't, and it's not a terrible thing that I have. I wish I was more innocent and hadn't made mistakes. But when I can look at the mistakes I've made and see a pattern and realize that I want to fix that problem, then that's progress.

 

I think it all comes down to healthy boundaries in relationships. Clearly, I don't know a lot about those, but I do know: I need positive male relationships in my life, and ones that I don't try to manipulate for my wants/needs. I need to work on being more intentional with my feelings and actions. I need to work on filling my heart more with God's love vs. seeking a man's attention. I need to mantra myself to death with not settling.

 

I read this and it really hit home with me. It brought tears to my eyes, even. Especially this:

How we treat men is how they are going to treat us back. Our actions speak volumes into a guy’s ear telling him exactly how we want to be treated. Flirting with every guy, or even just one guy, who you know is not the one for you is simply selfish. Some will say, “I just have a flirty personality.” I’m just going to be real here and say that notion is absolutely and totally ridiculous.

 

The truth hurts sometimes, and this is my truth. I'm 29 years old and it's time to stop playing games. I think I have a little self help to do in the boundaries department! 

Real Talk (as a form of Monday Motivation)

I have not a clue why I feel like it’s my job to bring Monday Motivation…but alas, here we are. I had an epiphany of sorts over the weekend. And by epiphany, I mean a mental breakdown. Now to be fair it’s been a little while since I’ve had a good breakdown so I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised by it.  I had a nice little post written up to start the week off right too – a post about how to pray as a single girl during what feels like a season of waiting. But honestly I had to keep it real with y’all. Not that I lied in that other post, because it all came from my heart too. But my heart is just a different state as of right now and I wanted to share that with you instead.
 

So our story starts Friday night – the 4^th of July, which in case you didn’t know is one of my 3 favorite holidays. I feel like everybody in my life used to know that and now only a couple people know that fact. Sadly, it just doesn’t hold the excitement for me that it once did. But ANYHOW – I spent Friday with a full heart. I had a busy day, and ended the evening at a get together with a bunch of people from my church. Such a great day! Towards the end of the night, I happen to take inventory on the people I’m surrounded by and all of a sudden realize I’m the only single person in attendance. I’m with so many people who love me and are important to me, but the breakdown consists of two engaged couples, plenty of married couples, kids galore and ME. Nobody was treating me in a way that made me feel different or left out or anything, but once I noticed this fact it was literally ALL I could think about it. Don’t you hate it when your mind just controls you like that?
 

The party ends and I come home to an empty house – totally and completely in the beginning stage of feeling sorry for myself. I turn on the TV and Sex and the City is on – which happens to be one of my favorite movies. I remember after my breakup, watching that movie with brand new perspective – you know I’m talking about the part where Big ditches Carrie before the wedding. I remember feeling those exact same feelings and relating to what had just happened in my own life.  I felt dead inside, like Carrie felt dead inside. I don’t think people quite understand that feeling - and if you don’t then thank your lucky stars! The quote that always stands out to me still is when Carrie & Miranda are shopping for Halloween outfits (just before she sees her issue of Vogue for the first time) and Carrie says, “I KNOW it happened to me, but I still can’t believe that it happened TO ME.” I saw that Friday night and I lost it. I STILL FEEL THAT WAY SOMETIMES! I definitely felt that way Friday night. And for the first time in a long time, I missed my old life. I missed the ease of things, and the comfort of being snuggled up tight in my comfort zone. I missed Skye and so many things about him – like how he always went out of his way to make the 4^th of July a huge deal for me. And I wanted it all back – the life, the imperfect relationship, the years spent together, the ring, the future, the planned wedding – in that moment I would have likely sacrificed so many things to get my old life back.

 

And yeah that’s a terrible thing to say. I feel awful even admitting that out loud. Mainly because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today if I hadn’t survived through that tragedy of a broken engagement. But it’s the God honest truth. And clearly that stigma still haunts me. I hate that I let it define me. And my enemy knows that – and when he comes to prey on me he knows exactly what ammo to bring. I just cried and looked at our engagement pictures – because I’m a weirdo who likes to torment myself. (And because I really love those picture and how skinny I was) And I prayed. And I’m here to tell you that even right now I’m still battling a little bit with those feelings. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking I’m a crazy person – and I wouldn’t disagree with you –but I know that if 1 year and 8 months later this can still creep back in and affect me, then other people might be dealing with fighting similar battles. And that’s what makes us human. I spent a lot of time this weekend looking backwards. Going over things in my head and wondering how they might have played out differently.

But really, that’s time wasted. I felt like I was in control of my life then – and obviously I wasn’t. I know that God is control of my life now – but I still have bad days. I am so thankful for my faith and all God has done in my life – especially in the past almost 2 years. I know things now that I didn’t KNOW then about God’s grace. And how even when I am a whiny crybaby and wish to go back to a life that didn’t value or praise Him, the Lord still loves me relentlessly and welcomes me with open arms to taste his forgiveness. That’s something that my ex-fiancé could never in a million years offer me.  He left me and never looked back. God reminds me that this is all just a part of my story to tell. My relationship with Him doesn’t exclude me from sadness, but it offers me a new kind of hope. Hope that the best days of my life are not behind me – but they lie ahead of me. Which is why that CS Lewis quote helped me SO much during my rough patch.

And even though I think the lesson this weekend has been a valuable one, I’m ready to get back to feeling like my perky old self again!

How can I pray for you guys this week? Tell me specifically what you’re struggling with and let’s pray together that we conquer these battles!

American Blogger - Your Story

Buckle up for a loooong post - consider yourself warned!
Have y'all seen this trailer for the American Blogger documentary? Take a minute to watch it and let's discuss...

  

If you're like me then you recognized some of these faces, and when you take a minute to look under the Meet the Bloggers tab, then you recognize even more of their names. Telling your story - your funny little day to day stories and your big life changing moments on your blog is such an important thing. People poke fun at bloggers, but they have no idea the friendships we form and how lasting they can be.

 

Blogging is hard to describe to people in your real life. I've told this story in some form before, but I had a friend who started a blog waaay back in 2006 because she was moving away. That was my introduction to blogging. It was a simple online journal of her journey. She had a couple girls that she connected with via the internet and I started to read their blogs too. I've always been a reader, but reading someone's first hand account of their life story seemed like such a cool concept to me. Then about 2011 I decided that maaaaybe I had a few stories in me to tell. I had no idea how to start, knew very little about HTML and it took me days to think up a name. But in it's own little way The Pink Growl was born. Through SITS girls and link ups, I began to meet girls, make connections and form friendships. We skyped, we emailed, we talked on the phone and sent each other gifts through the mail. It was a little strange, but at the same time fulfilling.

 

Not too long later, I got engaged. And my blog friends shared in my excitement. I had about 350 GFC readers at that point (give or take). I was caught up in a season of excitement and did posts about Our Love Story and wedding planning and really began to open up and share deeper parts of my story. My numbers began to grow because let's face it, girls love wedding talk. But I also ventured into talking about my mom being sick, and my mamaw passing away, my dad's by-pass surgery and other topics that I really just needed to blow off steam about. Then off a sudden in November 2012, my world fell apart when my engagement ended. My blog had grown into this portrait of a happy life as a future cop's wife, and now that identity no longer existed. I felt lost, not just in my day to day life, but in blog land as well. Where did I go from here? Most of the people I followed were in the same stages of life as I was and I couldn't bear to read about their wedding planning or marriages at that point. I did a breakup post, and was ready to shut this thing down.

Enter Kim, Cassie & Erin. These girls refused to allow to let me sink away into the darkness. They pursued me (for lack of a better word). They were relentless in sending messages of hope, love packages, and telling me their stories of struggle. Blogging is incredible y'all. You can doubt it all you want to, and that's fine. But these girls kept me going. I have tears welling up in my eyes right now just remembering how that felt to me. People in my real life were upset with me, choosing sides, saying hateful things about me and these girls were there to pick me back up - day after day. They were a source of strength for me at a time when I needed it most. I had my first blate with Kim & Cassie in Jan 2013, and the rest is history. I talk to them constantly. I've met their families, we've met each other's friends, they are a huge part of my life.

You find bloggers who inspire you and bloggers who are JUST LIKE you...ahem Manda! You "meet" girls who you have zero qualms about driving across states to hang out with. My dad still has a hard time with that concept...

My blog has since transformed into a place where I can tell you all the exciting things God is doing in my life, all my funny dating stories and throw out pictures of Luke Bryan until you are sick of seeing him (if that ever happens, we might not be friends anymore...). But my #1 goal is to keep it real. And real is NOT always an easy story to tell. Blogging has allowed me to document this life change - the good, the bad and the reeeeeally ugly - and it's pretty incredible to look back on. I'm kinda proud of myself honestly.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, I love blogging. Somehow you crazy people are interested enough in what I have to say to keep coming back every week. That's pretty awesome and I love you for it! So even when we feel like we aren't making a difference, we are. Even when we get stagnant and just do silly posts, people are still following our lives and reading our stories. TELL YOUR STORY!!

 

More Unsoliticed Dating Talk

Dating stories are my favorite, you know this. I always like to hear how other people are trekking in the dating world because let's be honest, it can be a jungle out there. I have so many stories that I want to tell you...but I can't really without giving up too much information. Let's stick with lessons learned. For some reason, I like to preach to y'all (I apologize for that, maybe it's just because I'm southern?) but here we go.

1. Rejection Sucks
I need this reminder just as much as anyone. I got myself a few hurt feelings veeerrrry recently. Let's just say I had plenty of boyfriend dreams for a fella who didn't exactly feel the same way about me. Rejection happens, it's part of dating. It can hurt a little, but you gotta dust yourself off and keep going. Just because someone is a great guy doesn't mean he's the guy for me. In fact most of the time, someone is going to have more feelings. Situations like this are a perfect reminder for me that the guy who is right for me, will make it fool-proof obviously clear that he wants to be with me. No heavy chasing required - on my part or his. 

One of my favorites from our engagement session waaaay back in 2012, feels like a lifetime ago
Photo courtesy Blush Creative Photography

I just wanted to keep it real and say I know that some days are just plain hard. You let this world bring you down and make you feel not good enough because you have been rejected on some level. You have to make the choice to view a mishap as part of the process to get you to where you are supposed to be. We all have a past. Some days I still think about Skye. I dream about him frequently. Some days I still want that life back. (I definitely want that ring back!) That life was easy, and rarely challenging. My broken engagement was the absolute biggest rejection of my life! Talk about feeling like a failure, the guy who promised to marry me decided he didn't want me anymore 5 months before our wedding. Trust me, if I can step beyond an 8 year relationship  to the sunny side of the street - then so can you. So yeah, rejection sucks but everyday I choose to keep going down the path God has planned for me.

 

2. Never Putting Yourself Out There Sucks More
I get scared. Scared to the point that I don't want to date at all. But I'm not going to find any guys magically appear in my living room while I'm binge watching Bravo (unless they are gay ones).

My compromise is to put myself out there just a little bit, if I'm interested. Flirt with him, or just suggest a date and see what happens. I'm not opposed to asking a guy out either, if I feel so moved. If you never put yourself out there because you're afraid of rejection, then really you aren't growing at all. You're stuck in a place of fear. Let your faith be bigger than your fears - not sure if I'm preaching to you now about dating or God, but either way roll with it. Dating practice gives you a thicker skin. But always remember your limits - like my 2 date rule. When all else fails, you can friend zone the crap out of him. I'm the queen of doing this, if you need assistance HA!

3. Boys Are People Too
They get nervous. They get excited. They can jump the gun and build things up in their head after 1 date. They talk to their friends about dates. They definitely talk to their friends about sex. They can feel shy. They can get depressed. They don't want to be rejected. They might need a shot of whiskey before a first date... Okay the more I continue with the list the more I realize that I really might be a guy!!! I think we tend to make them the villain sometimes, but for the most part they are a lot like us. Just maybe a little more simple minded :)

Even this guy, as beautiful as he is - he's still just a person too
Ok really I just wanted an LB pic...what is a Pink Growl post without one??

4. Trust That Spark
I told you the other day about my dad's dating advice for me "no hipsters". Really, he probably doesn't even know what a hipster means. To him it just means boys who don't play golf and wear skinny pants. Well that's kinda what it means to me too, except throw in certain hairstyles and music choices. Both of my parents (and plenty of people in my world) love to give me dating tips/advice. And while I appreciate it, it really doesn't matter. The heart wants what it wants. I could fall completely in love with a yankee hipster who has lots of tattoos and is scared of guns. That might be my dad's worst nightmare, but he could be the man of my dreams. I try to keep an open mind. I've gone out with plenty of guys who I had doubts about or wasn't traditionally attracted to. I'm not sure how else to say that I am holding out for "when you know, you know". To me personally, that feels like instant chemistry with someone from the first moment you meet them. In both instances of my serious relationships, I knew I wanted to do whatever it took to be with them before we even had a first date. I believe in that feeling with every fiber of my being. And once you know that feeling, you crave it. You want to chase it, but it's not to be chased. It cannot be developed, in my opinion. It's something that smacks you in the face so hard you fall to your knees. It makes you feel electric when you make eye contact. It somehow erases fear and allows you to go for it, even when your heart is about to knock a hole in your chest. Trust that feeling. Always follow your heart. When you know, YOU KNOW! I never want to hurt a guy's feelings, but after 2 dates if we BOTH aren't desperate to be together, then he's got to go.

These are just my experiences, based on my life and I am passionate about wanting to share this stuff to help people who are in my boat. I've been hurt, I've had slutty moments, I've been cheated on, I've been the one who cheats, I've had untruths told about me, I've been in love, I've done things that I am terribly ashamed to admit, I've lost myself in a relationship and found myself again. I am human, and I make mistakes. Small ones everyday and huge ones that I have to forgive myself for. Love talk can inspire strong feelings in all of us - some positive, some negative. Of course all these opinions are mine. You are 100% so inclined to disagree.

Yet Another Post about Being Single...

If you are an internet addict, like myself, then no doubt you've seen all the buzzfeed/blogposts/funny lists about being single. Reasons why it's awesome, reasons why it sucks, things single people are sick of hearing, etc. I am also constantly reading other blog posts about singledom. It's just good perspective. Since I've been single for 16 months now, I consider myself practically an expert in the field. I just wanted to share my own perspective on the subject.

 

Reasons Why Being Single Is Awesome:

1. I am independent. I thought I was independent before, I had actually said those words. HECK NO! I relied on my ex for every.single.thing. He completely took care of me and spoiled me rotten. Now? I fix things by myself, I rearranged all my living room furniture on my own, I handle every detail of my household, I buy my own Coach, I am hardly even scared of the dark anymore and somehow I make it ALL work. It's a pretty cool feeling.

 

2. My money is MY MONEY. I am not ashamed to admit that I am selfish with sharing my money. It was a huge adjustment for me when Skye and I moved in together to share my money with him. And honestly, I hated it. I was a saver and he was a spender. I struggled with it a lot throughout our relationship. There were plenty of times that being in a two income household benefited me (hello no budget status!), but usually it stressed me out. Sometimes I still get stressed out about money, but the thing now is I directly control every penny earned and spent. Obviously a control freak like myself loves that.

 

3. I have lived and learned. Nobody wants to go through a breakup. I sure didn't. But I can guarantee you that anyone who has ever gone through a real heartbreak has made some changes in their life. You suffer, you push yourself, you grow, you surround yourself with new people and try new things. It's an incredible life experience that prepares you for the next season. I never wanted to stay single for this long, but I'm really thankful I have made the choices along the way that have kept me in this place of stretching myself. This time on my own has allowed me to evaluate the kind of spouse that I want to be to someone. And I don't think I was ready for that before.

 

Reasons Why Being Single Sucks:

1. After a point, you start to feel like there is something wrong with you. When all the guys I've gone out with get into relationships, I question why I am still single. When my die hard single girlfriends partner up, I doubt myself. (Think Samantha from Sex in the City when she started dating Smith)  It's easy to say WHY ME? But honestly, I've made the choice to be single. I could've had a boyfriend or two by now, but I didn't want to settle. And there's nothing wrong with not wanting to settle.

2. Creepers. Weird men love me! I can't even tell you how many random dudes send me Facebook messages or Twitter DMs trying to chat me up. Truthfully, I've entertained some of them because a cute guy is a cute guy. (and I've probably been a little creepy hitting on people before too) But I'm more so talking about the sketchy left field guys that randomly tell you how pretty you are. a) you've never seen me in person buddy    b) I do not want to be your cyber girlfriend. BYE!

 

3. Putting on a happy go lucky front can get exhausting. My heart has softened so much and it's definitely no longer black. I try to stay positive about my status. It can get old playing the dating games. I still think being single requires a bit of a thick skin. You can get your hopes up after a first date just to never go out with a guy again. I've probably hurt a couple feelings myself along the way. You can't help but over analyze all the details of your dates sometimes. Right now I'm in a situation where I've kinda been talking back and forth with a guy - pretty casual - but we haven't been out on an actual date yet. I get excited sometimes because I like him, but if he hasn't asked me out on a date after a few weeks of talking then what's the deal, right? Being tough can get old, and I just want to meet my "you know when you know" already! But a positive attitude will really  help carry you through this time.

Things I'm Sick of Hearing:

1. Why are you single? I realize that I'm a decent catch. Yeah I said it, and that's because I believe it. I'm not the prettiest girl on the block, but I feel I have a lot to offer. But when people ask me the question of why am I single, I tend to take it negatively vs. as a compliment. Let just clear this up for you... anyone who is single, is probably in that position because they are sick of making the wrong choices and have decided to take control of things in their life (in some form or another). Not that I don't need to hear reassurance sometimes, but there's a fine line with how things are said.

 

2. Do you ever think you and your ex will get back together? This is definitely a question that I get asked on a more than I'd like to hear basis. Maybe I'm surrounded by hopeless romantics?? The answer is no. I know "never say never" and all that jazz, but I'm pretty confident that hell would freeze over before we would end up back together. Mind you I chased after him and essentially begged him to stay and marry me. But at that point in my life, I felt like I was nothing without him. If you only knew me in real life, you would know how much I have changed and grown since that scared little girl who found herself dumped back in November 2012. And once you experience that kind of exponential growth, there's just no turning back.

 

3. Guys are jerks. It is surely a proven fact by now that some guys are indeed jerks. But so are some girls. (myself included in some cases) Not all guys are jerks - I've tried to convince you of that before. I still whole heartedly believe in THE ONE. This mythical little unicorn of mine is out there somewhere just waiting to run off into the sunset with me. But seriously, God has this incredible man for me. I can feel it. And ladies just a word of advice...THE ONE will not just text you when he is drunk. He will having zero reservations about falling completely in love with you. He will share your core beliefs. He will not push you to have sex...he might even be one of those rare breeds who wants to wait until you're married to go all the way. He will pursue you.

 

Here are some other lists that I found particularly entertaining:

Jarrid Wilson

Cosmo

Buzzfeed

 

Overcome the Lie: 40 Day Challenge

I’m in a funk right now. I just feel blah. Blah about myself, blah about everything. And I have so many things to be thankful for, but some days I choose to focus more on the things that bring me down. I hate those days with a passion. I hate that I allow myself to be consumed by feelings of mediocrity and that I actually begin to believe those ugly little lies I tell myself.

 

I have a topic I want to promote today: Overcome the Lie. I was recently introduced to this site and have been fascinated by the movement. Maybe you are getting sick of my self help babble, that’s understandable...but for those who aren’t, stick around and let this marinate with you today. Maybe you need to hear this too. Have you bought in to the lie that hope is lost or ever feel like you're fighting a losing battle? How many times in your life, have you allowed others to shape your own opinion of yourself?? There are plenty of ways we allow the enemy to bring us down.

Personally, I have struggled with bashing myself. I am guilty of buying into the lies that I'm not good enough. I have people in my life who have said hurtful, awful things about me and tried to twist my character around, but those people are nothing to me. I am usually able to tune them out, but how do you tune out yourself? Some days I can, and some days (like right now) I totally believe into all the negativity. Maybe for you it's the opposite and other people affect you more. Either way, those are distorted versions of ourselves.

A perfect example is where I'm at right now in my own life. I have made the decision to stay single during this transition period. I've also allowed myself to gain 35-40lbs. Sometimes those are sensitive topics for me. I try to  be open and transparent here on my blog because I know it can help people, but it's not always easy to put it out there. I have grown in so many ways, but I still beat myself up.  I feel lonely sometimes, or not worthy. Often I tell myself that I am too chubby to date right now, I'm not as pretty as "her" or I'll be single forever. And even though those little comments seem harmless - especially when made in a joking manner - they really kinda hurt when they all add up.

So back to the self help stuff...Overcome the Lie is doing a 40 day prayer challenge starting Feb. 1st. I was allllll over this when I saw it! I love a good challenge and I can definitely use more accountability with my personal prayer time. My goal for this challenge is to focus on seeing myself how God sees me, even on my ugly days. If I want to be able to accomplish the amazing things God has planned for me, I have to see myself the way He sees me.

No matter where you are in your relationship with God - this is a great opportunity to take a leap of faith. I promise you will be surprised how much you can stretch yourself in just 40 days. Maybe you just need to meet new people and know you are being prayed for. The OTL ladies have NOT in any way asked me to promote this challenge, I just wanted to share the info with you. And there's still time to sign up, all you have to do is email them at: info@overcomethelie.org. I'm excited to see what the next 40 days holds for me!

 

BETTER

So on Monday of this week....which feels weird to say because even though today is actually Thursday it completely feels like a Monday...anyhow... on Monday of this week I shared with you a little about what I hope for 2014. I'm a goal oriented person. I love making lists and checking things off. But at the same time I'm not really into new years resolutions. I just want to make myself BETTER - in every way that I can. So that's what I'm gonna do for 2014!

Better attitude, better relationships, better body...just BETTER!

 

I'm sure I will stumble along the way, but in the stumbles I will have grace. At this time last year, I said I was excited and ready for new things...but I really wasn't. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I had a lot of discovering to do. 2013 was SO great to me though! I started the year with a shattered spirit. I couldn't deal with my emotions at all, and so I tried to eat and drink them away...unsuccessfully because all that got me was 30 lbs of weight gain and still feeling yucky on the inside. Slowly, but surely over the months after I put all my vices aside, I began to grow personally. I began to discover things that I didn't realize before. I got comfortable with myself and with being single. I joined a church that I'm completely in love with and made relationships that have brought me closer to, and helped me strengthen my own relationship with God. I crossed things off my bucket list. I made lots of new friends. It was a huge year of growth for me.  I learned to like myself more...even though I'm not the happiest with my weight, I'm still awesome. I became aware of self help - no one could fix me, I had to fix myself. I learned to laugh again, like really truly heehaw laugh. I changed my perspective on life. I am thankful for it ALL. For every single day - the ones where I questioned everything and couldn't make it through without tears and the ones where I stayed out late on work nights for just one more drink and one more memory. 

 

I am so much closer to the person that I want to be. But I can always make myself better. 2014...watch out, I'm coming for you!

 

 

Weekend Update

This is gonna be short & to the point...
WHY IS IT MONDAY ALREADY?!?!? I took the most perfect Sunday afternoon nap yesterday for 2 hours and it came back to laugh in my face at 1am this morning when I couldn't fall asleep.

 

My weekend was pretty great. Work Christmas party Friday night, walked in a parade Saturday night then yesterday was a huge celebration with my re-baptism. It was a low-key but filled with friends and family. It's so funny how I have become such a homebody these days. This time last year you couldn't keep me at home on the weekends, I was a wild woman still trying to find my happy. I know I am getting older (and maybe lame) because I actually look forward to going home and cuddling up with Tilly to watch How I Met Your Mother reruns. Maybe it's because it has rained for a week straight. Whatever the reason, I am definitely not mad about it.

Thank you all for your sweet comments about my baptism from Friday! It means so much to me to have your support. Y'all are the best! But surely you know that by now, since I cannot stop saying it! :) Some of my closest friends and family came to watch me too. It was such a time of happiness!

Oh yeah and I lost 5 lbs last week!!!! That's a total of 11 lbs down. It feels really good, but I still have a long way to go. Baby steps. I just want to whine sometimes and say that weight loss is tough, but I won't today. I'll just take my 11 lbs and smile!

You can find me on Instagram {nikkib918} to see my pictures from the weekend! I'm off to a meeting. Thankful for a 4 day workweek!!

 

 

 

Blog Life vs. Real Life

Do you ever get your blog life and your real life mixed up? I don't necessarily go out of my way to keep my blog a secret in real life. If it comes up, then it does and I explain it. However, it's not something I widely advertise either. I don't have my blog URL on my IG or Facebook, just my Twitter account.

 

My family knows. Some of my close friends know. Obviously non-bloggers who follow me on Twitter know. But I would say most of the general people in my life are not aware of this little Pink Growl movement.

 

Insert yesterday into the mix. WOW, more people in my life know about my blog now and it feels weird. I feel like I'm in one of those nightmares where you show up to work naked. I talk freely on here about personal issues - family, weight, my breakup, my struggles, friends, etc. It's my outlet. I'm a very open person in real life too. I am who I am and I feel that I portray that pretty accurately here. But here I don't feel judged. Sometimes in real life, I do. My dad says I shouldn't put my life on the internet (even though he doesn't really know what a blog is). Yesterday I was very judged by strangers. And I was uncomfortable, and a little upset.

 

I had TWO separate incidents yesterday where my blog was exposed to people. How in the hell do I have a blog for over a year with no slip ups then BOOM two in one day? Vulnerable is the perfect description. Now, some of these people are my friends and they wouldn't bash me. And sure, any random stranger could google and find my blog. But that's not the point. The point is my secret is kinda out and I wasn't the one who chose to reveal it. It will take some adjusting for me. But I won't quit blogging. I love what my blog has grown into it and nobody can take that away from me. Boo-yah.

 

CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP, THUG LIFE.

 

So humor me, is anyone else as weird as I am

and try to keep these 2 worlds separate?