Real talk – I have serious issues right now. PMS is beginning to rear its ugly head again. 2nd month in a row that I am experiencing these awful side effects. Tears, zits galore, and my appetite in just unable to be quenched. I think that my current “new-ish” single girl status has everything to do with it. I’ve been binge eating y’all. And I mean that honestly. I just eat, and eat and eat until my stomach is so full and poking out of my shirt. Then I feel guilty and want to be mean to myself for doing it and not being able to have control over my mind like I need to. It’s BAD! I feel like a girl who is out of control on a Lifetime movie!
Back in November, 2 weeks post-breakup , I was down 8 lbs. Of course this was not healthy weight loss. I had completely lost my appetite, I was barely taking in calories at all. I was spending the rest of my time crying them all out. So naturally the weight just disappeared within a matter of days. I felt happy with my size though, because it was the goal size that I have been striving for. Then a couple weeks later, the week before I started my period I lost control over my eating. Instead of being too distraught to eat, I began to just devour my feelings by the handful. Fast food, snacks in between, alcohol to top it off. Again, naturally my weight has just steadily ballooned back up. Right now I am 2 lbs heavier than I was the day that Skye broke up with me. UGH! It’s all so frustrating. I am in tears as I sit here and write this. I feel out of control. I can manage to have a good day or two, but then one wrong snack sends me into a binge spiral. I’VE GOT TO GET A GRIP. I need your help! On Monday I told you that I had made 6 weeks goals for myself. One of those goals was obviously to try and lose that 8-10 lbs again. That’s at a pretty healthy rate of weight loss IF I can just manage to get on track.
I can blame it on PMS, which does play a role. But I do have unresolved emotional issues right now that I need to deal with. My heart is heavy. I’ve spent the past 10 weeks trying to enjoy myself, and I will admit I’ve have had a blast with my girls. I’ve 100% been self-medicating! With NyQuil at first, then alcohol, now food. {Why can’t I self-medicate with excessive exercise??} 10 weeks down and I still fucking miss him. I miss the memories, I miss his smile. I miss just having someone who took care of me and loved me every single day. But he didn’t love me enough to stay. I know this is the ultimate pity party going on right now, but I just have to get this off my chest. The shitty part is; I was feeling stronger. I was feeling like I was moving along and dealing and staying positive…then ever since Christmas I’ve been feeling depressed. I’m not crying every moment of every day or anything like that, but I have a dull consistent ache in my heart. When I heard that a heartbreak is the worst pain you can ever go through, I never believed it. I saw my aunt lay in bed for literally months after her divorce. Unable to get out of bed, unable to live her life because she was so depressed. I remember thinking she was weak and she needed to power through. I thought I had been through a heartbreak before with my high school boyfriend. I remember being 18 years old and thinking my life was over after that breakup. Just having no idea what life had in store for me and feeling scared. A couple months later I met Skye and we just had the kind of chemistry you see in movies. Instant, fast, real there was no doubting it – even though it eventually took us a year to begin dating. Now, 10 years later I have experienced real heartbreak and I can honestly say that I thought I might not survive it. (not like physically die, but just never emotionally recover) I still question that some days…like today. I got an email from him yesterday. Nothing of any substance, just him forwarding me something I needed that came to his email. My heart dropped and I cried when I saw his name on my phone. I feel like a piece of me will absolutely love Skye forever. I wonder why he doesn’t miss me the way I miss him. That’s not real love. I worry about my ability to feel real love again. The boys have definitely been coming out of the woodwork and I have been turning them down right & left. I’ve hung out with a few guys who were already friends, but I just cannot seem to fathom the thought of dating. Right now it feels like no guy could live up to my impossible love standards. I know I will love again one day, but will it be on the same level?
My comforts have been out of whack. Food should not be my comfort. It will only make me chubby and feel miserable about myself. God has a plan for me. I know this with all of my heart, even in my deepest moments of doubt. I know that I am tough. Maybe in a couple months I’ll meet the man of my dreams? Maybe I’ll move away from Knoxville? Maybe I will feel whole again? I take comfort in my blog friends. You have been without a doubt an amazing source of strength for me during this tender time. I can never never never thank you enough. The cards, texts, emails, gifts, trips to visit me and lasting friendships – I can never repay these acts of kindness. I take comfort in knowing this is a just a moment of weakness, and it shall pass. The weather is not helping my funk. It’s been raining here for a week straight. Maybe this weekend, the sun will shine and my spirit will be refreshed.
I vow to myself (wow that sounds so super serious) that I will not let my mind or my heart control my body. No more binge eating. I will allow myself to miss the memories, because they were precious and deserved to be missed. But I will not allow myself to look back in the past. I vow to keep pushing forward. In order to get through this mess, I have to keep believing that the best days of my life are up ahead. By the time I get to see Luke Bryan (hello man of my dreams) on February 22, I will be looking like a sexy bia. I will be confident from meeting my goals. I will be stronger because I will be almost 16 weeks post-breakup at that point.
Thank you friends for listening to me gripe and letting me get these negative feelings out. It’s healthy to vent, right? Maybe somehow my story can help you - can empower you or you can pass it along to someone who needs it. There’s your earful today.
