Wednesday, January 16, 2013

It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's Real

Real talk – I have serious issues right now. PMS is beginning to rear its ugly head again. 2nd month in a row that I am experiencing these awful side effects. Tears, zits galore, and my appetite in just unable to be quenched. I think that my current “new-ish” single girl status has everything to do with it. I’ve been binge eating y’all. And I mean that honestly. I just eat, and eat and eat until my stomach is so full and poking out of my shirt. Then I feel guilty and want to be mean to myself for doing it and not being able to have control over my mind like I need to. It’s BAD! I feel like a girl who is out of control on a Lifetime movie!
Back in November, 2 weeks post-breakup , I was down 8 lbs. Of course this was not healthy weight loss. I had completely lost my appetite, I was barely taking in calories at all. I was spending the rest of my time crying them all out. So naturally the weight just disappeared within a matter of days. I felt happy with my size though, because it was the goal size that I have been striving for. Then a couple weeks later, the week before I started my period I lost control over my eating. Instead of being too distraught to eat, I began to just devour my feelings by the handful. Fast food, snacks in between, alcohol to top it off. Again, naturally my weight has just steadily ballooned back up. Right now I am 2 lbs heavier than I was the day that Skye broke up with me. UGH! It’s all so frustrating. I am in tears as I sit here and write this. I feel out of control. I can manage to have a good day or two, but then one wrong snack sends me into a binge spiral. I’VE GOT TO GET A GRIP. I need your help! On Monday I told you that I had made 6 weeks goals for myself. One of those goals was obviously to try and lose that 8-10 lbs again. That’s at a pretty healthy rate of weight loss IF I can just manage to get on track.
I can blame it on PMS, which does play a role. But I do have unresolved emotional issues right now that I need to deal with. My heart is heavy. I’ve spent the past 10 weeks trying to enjoy myself, and I will admit I’ve have had a blast with my girls. I’ve 100% been self-medicating! With NyQuil at first, then alcohol, now food. {Why can’t I self-medicate with excessive exercise??} 10 weeks down and I still fucking miss him. I miss the memories, I miss his smile. I miss just having someone who took care of me and loved me every single day. But he didn’t love me enough to stay. I know this is the ultimate pity party going on right now, but I just have to get this off my chest. The shitty part is; I was feeling stronger. I was feeling like I was moving along and dealing and staying positive…then ever since Christmas I’ve been feeling depressed. I’m not crying every moment of every day or anything like that, but I have a dull consistent ache in my heart. When I heard that a heartbreak is the worst pain you can ever go through, I never believed it. I saw my aunt lay in bed for literally months after her divorce. Unable to get out of bed, unable to live her life because she was so depressed. I remember thinking she was weak and she needed to power through. I thought I had been through a heartbreak before with my high school boyfriend. I remember being 18 years old and thinking my life was over after that breakup. Just having no idea what life had in store for me and feeling scared. A couple months later I met Skye and we just had the kind of chemistry you see in movies. Instant, fast, real there was no doubting it – even though it eventually took us a year to begin dating. Now, 10 years later I have experienced real heartbreak and I can honestly say that I thought I might not survive it. (not like physically die, but just never emotionally recover) I still question that some days…like today. I got an email from him yesterday. Nothing of any substance, just him forwarding me something I needed that came to his email. My heart dropped and I cried when I saw his name on my phone. I feel like a piece of me will absolutely love Skye forever. I wonder why he doesn’t miss me the way I miss him. That’s not real love. I worry about my ability to feel real love again. The boys have definitely been coming out of the woodwork and I have been turning them down right & left. I’ve hung out with a few guys who were already friends, but I just cannot seem to fathom the thought of dating. Right now it feels like no guy could live up to my impossible love standards. I know I will love again one day, but will it be on the same level?
My comforts have been out of whack. Food should not be my comfort. It will only make me chubby and feel miserable about myself. God has a plan for me. I know this with all of my heart, even in my deepest moments of doubt. I know that I am tough. Maybe in a couple months I’ll meet the man of my dreams? Maybe I’ll move away from Knoxville? Maybe I will feel whole again? I take comfort in my blog friends. You have been without a doubt an amazing source of strength for me during this tender time. I can never never never thank you enough. The cards, texts, emails, gifts, trips to visit me and lasting friendships – I can never repay these acts of kindness. I take comfort in knowing this is a just a moment of weakness, and it shall pass. The weather is not helping my funk. It’s been raining here for a week straight. Maybe this weekend, the sun will shine and my spirit will be refreshed.
I vow to myself (wow that sounds so super serious) that I will not let my mind or my heart control my body. No more binge eating. I will allow myself to miss the memories, because they were precious and deserved to be missed. But I will not allow myself to look back in the past. I vow to keep pushing forward. In order to get through this mess, I have to keep believing that the best days of my life are up ahead. By the time I get to see Luke Bryan (hello man of my dreams) on February 22, I will be looking like a sexy bia. I will be confident from meeting my goals. I will be stronger because I will be almost 16 weeks post-breakup at that point. Thank you friends for listening to me gripe and letting me get these negative feelings out. It’s healthy to vent, right? Maybe somehow my story can help you - can empower you or you can pass it along to someone who needs it. There’s your earful today.
Source: Kate Tsagronis via


Megan Wait said...

Yes, food being a crutch is the worst, and the most difficult to get over.

I've mentioned it to you before, but join a bookclub, a hiking club, runners, some sort of club. Find your comfort in activity! Two flies with one swat!

Brooke said...

girl, it's really, really hard. And I know the same feelings that you are going through. It's tough and you just wanna get through this day so you can get on to the next one. Keep your head up. Stay busy as you can be. xoxo

P!nky said...

Binge eating is like an addiction, you just want to keep doing it. But then you feel like crap afterwards.

Sweet girl, the heartache will heal with time. I KNOW how awful that is to say and it's not what you want to hear, but it's so true. Time heals all wounds and you WILL LOVE AGAIN! YOU WILL and it will be magically fantastically beautiful.

Now is the time to try that new gym class you wanted to try or start a new hobby. Staying busy is key because when you're running around you aren't eating.

I would suggest you start slowly and eliminate 1 bad food every week or every two weeks. If you cut everything away at once that's setting yourseful up for failure. Substitute pretzels for chips and then carrots for pretzels.

YOU GOT IT LADY! I know you do!


Pamela said...

That's my problem too :/ good luck!! You will get through it strong, pretty lady!!

Helene said...

great post. i am a binge eater when i get sad or even happy. it's definitely the wrong way to self medicate. i too wish i could just go work out all my stress but it never seems to work like that. at least you're doing the right thing my admitting it- a lot of people can't do that

Britt said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way :( Break up's are awful no matter what. You're going to have peaks and valleys and right now, you're in a valley. It might be that way for a while, but it's not forever.

It's okay to love Skye. It's okay to let him have a small piece of your hear forever. You almost got married...that isn't a fleeting relationship. Time heals all wounds but until then you're doing the best thing you can - surrounding yourself with people who love and care about you.

Ashley @ LocalPostcards said...

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to read this. The place you're in now is one of the worst places to be- but it will definitely get better.

I'm going to be a little bit lame here, but when I was dealing with a bunch of stuff there was a line from a Jessica Simpson song (I warned you, a little bit lame) that helped me a lot. The line goes "When that same old weakness gets so strong that you're helpless".

To me something in it just rang so true- and although I don't know you personally, I know that you have so many strengths and I believe they're definitely stronger than any food or breakup weakness could be!

Amanda aka Manda said...

It is good to vent. I honestly believe if you've been in love with someone as long and as deeply as you were with Skye, you have to grieve that relationship just like a death. Sometimes you grieve and move on faster than others. Holidays are always hard when you lose someone. I've been praying for you every day, that He'll heal your heart. I know deep in my heart you will find love again. I know it's easier said than done, but keep busy and don't dwell. When you need extra love, turn to sweet Miss Tilly- bc she loves you unconditionally- and your friends and family! We're all here for you- always! Love you, lady!

PS: Keep only healthy foods in the house and at work, that way if you binge, it's on veggies and not french fries!

Lauran {The Real Young Housewife of Southern VA} said...

Oh sweet girl I feel terrible that you are going through this but I can say you will gain control again!!! You are still in a grieving process and trying to figure out life in general! It's normal and don't let ANYONE or yourself make you think otherwise! Just take it one step at a time! A personal trainer told me this ... set your goals... say you are going to the gym 5 days a week... but don't beat yourself up if you only make it 1 day. That 1 day was more than what you did the day, week, month or even year before! It's a step in the right direction! The same goes for food! You can do this, I know you can!!! You are strong, beautiful, and crazy intelligent and there is NOTHING you can't do! Love you <3 And don't ever be afraid to text or call or email if you need to talk or need some moral support!

Whitney Leigh said...

I love you.

I know I can't really give advice on this because I don't think I've ever suffered heart break like you're experiencing.

but I love you. and I hope that helps. :)

Sarah said...

I want you to know that I actually cried reading this. My heart goes out to you because I know exactly how you feel. I've been there...and so have many other girls. It's really comforting knowing that you have a support system, even when it comes from girls you haven't even met. Keep an eye on your inbox love, I'm emailing you. xoxo

Girls Love Fried Pickles said...

I love you!

claire said...

I hear you on the PMS zits galore. Mine are always on my chin and right now it's so embarrassing! Oh well, thats what they make concealer for. I'll never understand why it seems like guys don't miss us like we miss them-or lay in bed and eat ice cream with a broken heart-like we girls do. I think they just hide their feelings. Regardless, 10 weeks isn't a lot of time and broken heart healing takes time! You'll find your balance because you're brave, strong, and keep it real :)

Kim Luke said...

You will adjust.
Count your calories. add the my fitness pal app and make sure you are adding EVERYTHING you put into your mouth (well, not errthing.........) anyways. all FOODS and DRINKS.

I lost 30 pounds during Dane and I's split. I've gained 22 of those pounds back and I feel that depression about weight that you are feeling. none of the clothes that fit me just 6 months ago, fit me now.

Have you reached out to Skye? Maybe try and talk to him so maybe you then understand how he is feeling.
You have a lot of unanswered questions that aren't allowing you to move on.
Straight up ask him how its so easy for him. ask him why was it so easy to leave and not say another word.
wtf. you deserve these answers and i truly feel like if you don't have them, it's going to take you 10x longer to move on!

heart you! hope your day turns around. im right there with you with the pms. hello chocolate! fml lol

SHUG IN BOOTS {Beth} said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this. But, please find comfort in knowing that this is normal and it will get better. I promise. It is simply going to take some time. Don't beat yourself up. I went through a breakup and felt exactly the same way, like "How did I even date him as long as I did and he not even be upset? How is he moving on? Why am I the one crying?" I had no interest in any other guys, and I seriously was terrified that I would never feel for anyone else ever again, and if I did, it wouldn't be as "real".
Thankfully, I was wrong about all that. I still (10 years later) would love some explanation of how he could just up and move on so quickly, but I don't miss him or think about him.
Don't think about how much you weigh right now. Try to set some small goals for yourself ... like go for a 10 minute walk everyday. Just enough to get yourself out of the house and get some time to clear your mind. Sometimes you'll feel like walking longer, sometimes you won't. You'll eventually find that you are getting over it little by little.
And I don't care what anyone says, situations like this are exactly what therapy is for. You don't want to rob yourself of joy later and the ability to move on.
Just some suggestions. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, girl! I know it is ROUGH and it seems like you are in a tunnel that'll never end. But, it will! Hugs!

Erin @ Keep Calm and Sparkle said...

I can't say that I know what or how you are feeling but I can say that only time will heal your broken heart!! I don't know the details of the break-up nor do I need to. Just know that everything happens for a reason whether it bad or good. We don't always understand why things happen but just have faith that it was the right thing for you both.

Being together as long as you two were is going to take a while but eventually when you are ready you will find the man of your dreams and you will love him more than you ever thought you could.

Now get your binge eating ass to the store and stock up on healthy food and throw the crap out!!! But know that you are gorgeous at any weight!!

Love ya sister!!!

Ashley Barnhill said...

You WILL get through this! One day, you will look back and realize this was just a little bump on the road because God had a different plan for you. Things will get better! Praying for you. :)

Mommy Mandy said...

Hugs lady...have been thinking about you

Nikki said...

Girlfriend what your going through is not easy. Not at all. You are entitled to deal however you want but I love that you acknowledge that it's time to get your shit together! You got this. You are strong and beautiful and you can and will do anything you put your mind to. I'm here for you to cheer you on and motivate you if you need. Don't hesitate to reach out!

Marissa @ Just Being Marissa said...

God does have a plan, and he will work everything out! In the meantime, staying away from eating the entire snack cabinet is also my struggle. I am currently on a carbless and sugarless diet for the week. Oh, boy! Sometimes you just need to set your mind to kick start your body so it gets used to not having all the crappy food!

- Marissa @ Just Being Marissa

Rachel said...

You are awesome.
As hard as this is, you will look back and realize it wasn't as bad as it seems right now and you will be better and stronger for it.
I would recommend journaling every day,
Read 'Its called a breakup because its broken',
Enjoy this time with your girlfriends!
You look fabulous and you ARE.

Jordan said...

Reading this makes me really want to be able to hug you through the screen. I have never been in a relationship as long as yours but I will say it took me a really long time to get over my ex. Though there was no ring on my finger, we had plans of getting married. We talked about kids. We had lived together for a couple of years. His mom was my mom, and mine was his. I thought he was the one (though I thank God I eventually realized he wasn't). I had my days and nights where I got drunk as hell and laid on my bedroom floor crying going through old letters and pictures wondering what the hell happened. Maybe too many of those. And sometimes (even as happy as where I am) I still wonder what could have been. However, what you are feeling is totally normal! I think it's healthy to allow yourself to cope with these feelings instead of "medicating." Let your heart go through the motions. It's going to be a long, hard road but I know you have the strength to come out stronger than you could ever imagine being. You (and basically everyone ever) deserve someone who will love you through everything. I know you'll find this! You have the right idea in letting God's work fold out, and though it's difficult, be patient! He knows exactly who you are supposed to end up with. Also, kudos to you for recognizing what you want to change. That's the first step in the right direction, my friend.

Sorry this is so long. Love ya girl!

Stephanie said...

Xanax. No really though. Xanax.
Life sucks right now. Ugh. I'm in the weight loss part, no food in 3 days it is now. Whomp whomp. (But 6 lbs down in 2 days? silver lining?) Probably I'll call you tomorrow and we can cry. And not eat.

Anonymous said...

You just took the words out of my brain. I just got out of an engagement and the pain of missing him and being alone is awful. I don't wish it on anyone but you're certainly not alone!

TheTinyHeart said...

I have had my heart broken before and I know the emotional pain of it is just awful. I'm sure every one is telling you this, but it really does just take time for your heart to heal. You WILL get back to feeling like yourself again! Sending you tons of hugs :)

The Tiny Heart
JCrew Giveaway!

GamecockQueen said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's totally normal to to be all over the place after a breakup of a serious relationship. You'll be fine for a while and out of the blue totally backslide into grief. I went through a bad breakup of a long time relationship a few years back. I was doing fine for a while, and was several months post breakup when I had to move offices at work. It overwhelmed me so much that I cried all day at work-my emotions were all over the place. It just takes time! I know that sucks, because you can't fastforward time, but it really is the best healer. I still shudder in horror sometimes when I remember what this guy did and his secrets, but I've been able to forgive and forget.

Wine and Summer said...

Oh girlie, my hear is breaking for you. It's just so hard to feel the way you are. I know how easy it is to just eat because at least you will be feeling better for a bit, but seriously, working out makes you feel a million times better! I wish there was something I could do, but as much as it sucks, it's just going to take time to heal.

Aly said...

Oh girlie, I feel you. You are allowed to be sad. It's normal to be feeling the way you are feeling-you were with him for a long time! Don't put too much pressure on yourself, you will get there! My ex from college and I broke up over a year ago. I'm good most of the time, but I still have my days-but thats okay I give myself time to wallow and then pick myself back up!! You will be okay too, I promise. Thinking of you! xox!

Jamie said...

Hang in there. You'll get through it. :(

Anonymous said...

It is really healthy to vent! I completely understand what you are going through - I have been there. The heartache that you feel doesn't seem like it will ever ease. But it will. I promise. When I lost who I thought was the love of my life I wondered if I would ever feel again - I binged as well. French fries were my drug of choice.
But the thing that got me out of it was walking - I started walking everyday. Alone, with my ipod (mainly OAR) and a smoothie.
It was incredibly painful (emotionally) but healing physically.
You are incredibly strong!

Sarah said...

First, don't beat yourself up for dealing with great pain, even if the way you've been dealing with it hasn't been terribly healthy. Beating yourself up and feeling guilty won't help. It's okay to feel a little out of control. It's okay to mourn. Second, your words tell me you're acknowledging that there's got to be another way and that you want to find it: Third, if you still feel like you're having trouble moving forward, it's okay, normal and good to talk to a professional. After a very difficult time in my life that included great heartbreak I saw a counselor twice. Twice. That's all it took and I was back on track. Best thing I ever did. XOXO

Tracy said...

Admittance is always the first step! Seriously though, I KNOW how hard it is to admit things...and to put this on your blog for anyone to see is HUGE!! Be proud of yourself for that! Look at that strength and slowly build on it!

I went through this like 2 months before you the only advice I can give you is take the time to MOURN! Seriously, I had to take a random day or two off of work because I just didn't want to randomly bust out out crying when at the grocery store (true story) or in the car all the time! It helped BIG time. Distraction was the best for me. I jogged and walked my pups (Tilley would love that!), went out with friends NOT just drinking...bowling or something where I wasn't tempted to shop (my weakness) or eat or drink, and volunteered for a while. If you give yourself time and let yourself cry EVERY time you feel like it for a couple days, IT HELPS!!

One day at a time girl, YOU GOT THIS! Half of us don't even know you and we KNOW your know it too :)


keepingupwithkristen said...

This made me sad : ( It's okay to cry though, Nikki. It's okay to still miss him and hang on to those memories...ya'll dated for a very long time. Skye will always have a special piece of your heart and all of those questions you have might not ever get answered, but I truly believe time heals all wounds. I do agree with Kim, have you reached out to him at all? One of my friends recommended I email Billy and just tell him everything I felt...ask the questions, yada yada. It definitely made me feel better, but I can't say that it helped (if that makes sense).
Like the other girls said, the way your feeling is completely normal. Breakups drive us girls crazy and make us feel like we're losing our minds, but this is all just part of our plan and it will all make perfect sense one day!!
Love youuuuu!!

BTW, I apologize for my drunk dials Sat night..I honestly have no idea what I said on those voicemails!!

Ashley said...

I feel ya, lady. I'm actually seeing a counsellor to help me get back in control of my emotions and how I deal with those emotions (read: BINGE EATING!)

You're a tough cookie, you'll come out the other end of this stronger than ever.

Amy Vercher said...

I'm going through the same thing and am completely numb about it. It gets better, or that's what I tell myself. Joel Osteen and Oprah help (and a glass of wine). Hang in there - love your blog!

Mallory Castleberry said...

Hang in there girly. It's natural to feel broken. And even though he isn't showing it, he probably feels just as broken. I am an email away if you ever need to talk.

Amy Powell said...

oh man, that sounds like a rough journey... but I'm proud of you for holding your head up and moving forward & setting goals!

good luck!!

xoxo, Amy @ Interpret As You May

{PS - I'm giving away a fitness journal. Would love to have you win!}

Kayla Lynn said...

I remember reading your post about the break-up... it broke my heart just read it. Being in a serious relationship, I can't even imagine that feeling of despair and loss. I felt for you and still do! I think you are unbeleivable strong and all your feelings you are trying to control are all warranted. But its also very good that you are acknowledging that although you are allowed to feel this way, that you need to be healthy about it. I seriously send you positive thoughts and lots of hugs your way! Blogging introduces us to so many wonderful people we wouldnt normally have met, I agree with you- its just crazy how supportive we all seem to be! Anyway, thinking of you and good luck with all of it girlfriend :)

Katie said...

I went through a break up at the end of August. Worst on of my life so far. I stopped eating and went to the gym twice a day...I was thinner than ever, but I was also so weak I couldn't do anything I usually could...going through break ups is so so hard, but we gotta take care of ourselves. I loved this post and I hope that things are going better for you. :) I know that things have gotten a lot better for me.

Samantha said...

I'm late to posting, but I want you to remember that it's okay to be sad for a bit. You aren't just walking away from a small relationship. Allow yourself to heal.

In the meantime, find a good workout routine to help you get out some aggression. It will do you a world of good. Also, as far as the food thing is concerned, you know I love Weight Watchers. It helps you avoid the binge eating.

Hang in there. You will be okay and everything will work out the way it is supposed to work out.

Janna Renee said...

I've gone through binge eating on several occasions and it SUCKS. The best way for me to get in control is to eat every 3 hours so that I'm never over hungry and I journal. I keep myself accountable in writing. By documenting my feelings I manage to get a better perspective. Look up info on B.E.D. That also helped me. Just know you aren't alone!!

Esme said...

I'm new to your blog but just wanted to let you know that it maybe hard but it will get easier with time! You obviously have tons of people that love you so take in all the love and support! ♥