An Age Old Question

The other day at work we had a full out debate about a question people have been asking themselves for generations. Can boys & girls really be JUST friends? As in close friend, BFF type of relationship, with no other feelings involved?

 

I gotta say I've always been an advocate for opposite sex friendships. I can't think of a time in my life that I didn't have a male BFF. I just relate to guys - I like sports and beer and it's easy for me to transition into "one of the guys". For a girly girl, I feel like I'm pretty masculine as far as my emotions and outlooks on some things go.

 

With all that being said, when it came my turn to defend my position for YES there is such a place as JUST friends - I felt torn. I'm starting to think I've been wrong my whole life and it's not actually possible for men and women to be JUST friends on more than an acquaintance level. To be clear, I'm talking two completely single people. Not single girls being close to married/attached men or vice versa.

 

I've come to realize that I might have developed a slight issue with boundaries since I've been single. Actually before I was single. Maybe this happens to all of us (hopefully?) or maybe it's just me. But I am pretty dang good at blurring the lines of a friendship vs. more than friends situation - without actually managing to turn anything into an actual relationship. For the record, I don't think this is a positive thing AT ALL!! It creates messes, hurt feelings and sometimes even voids relationships. This has been on my heart so much lately, and I've spent some time reflecting on how I've ruined relationships.

 

Lots of variables come into play here, in my mind. And let's just have some real talk -

 

1. Ex-boyfriends of the serious nature. I'm not one who can be too chummy with my serious ex-boyfriends. There's just too much history and the dangerous enemy of nostalgia always sneaks in when you even entertain that idea. We broke up for good reasons, and let's not forget those. I have one who still loves me and one who hates my guts, but my feelings are firm on being friends with both of them. Not happening!

 

2. Ex-guys I've dated, term used loosely. Not talking on a serious level or for years. Whether it be off and on, or just a matter of months, or a handful of dates. These are tricky. I have a couple who I've kept in my back pocket for backup dates, but you know these things will never play out. These are guys you've been out with for the sole purpose of going on a date. You aren't REAL friends, but you don't really want to date them either.

 

3. Old friends. Then there's those guys that you've known since 1st grade. You're comfortable with them. You've probably kissed them a couple times throughout middle/high school and college. Maybe more. They are comfortable, they know your history, they get you. Oh, how comfortable makes it easy to open some doors that never need to be opened. And you can always say "we have always just been good friends". LIE.

 

 

If you are married or have been in a relationship for years, then you might turn your nose up at me, and this post. And that's fine. I remember very clearly having tunnel vision too when I didn't have to experience certain things. It's not your fault you haven't, and it's not a terrible thing that I have. I wish I was more innocent and hadn't made mistakes. But when I can look at the mistakes I've made and see a pattern and realize that I want to fix that problem, then that's progress.

 

I think it all comes down to healthy boundaries in relationships. Clearly, I don't know a lot about those, but I do know: I need positive male relationships in my life, and ones that I don't try to manipulate for my wants/needs. I need to work on being more intentional with my feelings and actions. I need to work on filling my heart more with God's love vs. seeking a man's attention. I need to mantra myself to death with not settling.

 

I read this and it really hit home with me. It brought tears to my eyes, even. Especially this:

How we treat men is how they are going to treat us back. Our actions speak volumes into a guy’s ear telling him exactly how we want to be treated. Flirting with every guy, or even just one guy, who you know is not the one for you is simply selfish. Some will say, “I just have a flirty personality.” I’m just going to be real here and say that notion is absolutely and totally ridiculous.

 

The truth hurts sometimes, and this is my truth. I'm 29 years old and it's time to stop playing games. I think I have a little self help to do in the boundaries department! 

Unconventionally Thankful

Last week I was skimming through my blog roll and came across this post by Erin about being Quick To Say Thanks. I loved the idea and told her I was going to steal it and create my own list. Shutting down negativity in you life can be HARD. Every now and then, I just want to complain all the live long day, y'all. Even on those days when I am in that mood, I still have to deal with life. And the complaining just makes me irritable! But I do find that when I pause to notice the little things then I am much happier. Of course I am thankful for the "normal" things in my life - my family, friends, job, house, etc. - even though I often take them for granted too.

 

I wanted to focus more on the little unconventional things that make me smile! I have friends and family members who are going through hard trials right now and their struggles can offer me some perspective every now and then. I always want to take a little moment of my day to count my blessings - one by one.

 

The huge windows in my office. (totally stole this straight from E's list!) Back in December when I got my promotion at work, I upgraded offices. There are things I've wasted time complaining about this office, but the thing I adore about it is the big windows. There is nothing like natural sunlight streaming in to make me a happy girl.

 

The Pinterest Humor section. One word: lifesaver. These funnies have gotten me through some tough days. Days when it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed and make it work. Days when my life was a wreck. My best friend (who lives in a different state) would always tell me when I felt like I was going to cry to go to Pinterest Humor, and it worked! You can find me on Pinterest {here}.

 

Mexican Fridays. (you already know food was going to be included on this list somewhere) Every payday, my girls at work and I go to our favorite Mexican place. Working with people who are some of my closest friends in this world is one thing, but just taking that time at the end of the week to celebrate a) our paychecks, b) the close of another successful work week and c) each other is pretty great.

 

Books. It's no secret that I love to read. I'll read anything I can get my hands on. There's no feeling like getting lost in a good book. It's such a stress reliever to disappear from your own life and fall into someone else's. Plus, I'm still a library regular and the only ways books are better are when they are free!

 

Freebies. If you don't already know, you can sign up for daily emails that send you alerts when companies have free samples to distribute. Freebies.org and Freeflys are two of my favs. I've gotten so many beauty products to try this way ABSOLUTELY FREE. And it makes for exciting mail days. Freebies > Bills.

 

Mascara & Fingernail Polish. Because ANY day can be made instantly better with a dab of mascara and splash of color on your nails. When you look better, you feel better.

 

People Who Are Huggers. I spent a good portion of my life not really wanting people I didn't know all up in my personal space. These days, I'm pretty much a full blown hugger myself.

 

Cute Panties. Every girl knows that nothing makes you feel on top of your game like rocking some cute panties. Gives you an inner confidence boost to conquer the day.

Really cute, crazy talented, athletic high school boys. Before you go calling the cops to throw me into perv jail - don't panic. These boys just turn into my favorite athletes and I spent many hours of my life watching them, yelling at them and supporting their salaries.

Bloggers like Hannah. Hannah has got to be my soul sister. She just doesn't know it yet. The way this girl writes just connects with my heart and the depths of my bones. She inspires me, she gets my life, she relates to my deepest and most real struggles.
 

Confessions

Wednesday = Confession time with Kathy! (and Ian)

 

I confess...

So the past few weekends me and my bad self have been on a roll watching some of my favorite movies. They've all been on TV so I just HAD to. I'm talking about Hitch, Friends with Benefits (because who doesn't love a Saturday night spent with JT) and Superbad. I am reminded HOW MUCH I love a funny man!! Kevin James and Michael Cera have my heart. 

And to just really start this post off on the right foot, I give you JT - in all his glory. I was looking for something Friends with Benefits related, but then I found this....and yeah I lost my motivation to keep searching. You're welcome!  

You sweet little ladies really just lift my heart up! I cannot thank you enough for all your comments, emails, texts and tweets (for all my fellas who read my blog via twitter) about my post on Monday. Talking about the ugly stuff isn't easy sometimes, but it's nice knowing I am so supported here in my own little place in the internet!

 

I am so ready for The Walking Dead to come back in October!! Only 95 more days - yes I have countdown on my phone because I am the biggest nerd ever. There was a marathon over the 4th of July weekend so I adjusted my DVR to record. I came home Saturday after a busy two days of going non-stop to find like 30 episodes recorded. I forgot how much I loved Rick and why I loved him so much but watching the old episodes quickly reminded me.
PS - fun fact - did y'all know that in the comics Rick and Andrea end up dating??? GROSS!

I got my license renewal information in the mail for my 30th birthday...which isn't until September but they are on top of things apparently. I'm really not ready to deal with all the 30th birthday reminders yet!

 All of a sudden I don't ever want to fix my hair. And I woke up this week and HOLY ROOTS! Sadly, my color won't be fresh until after I get home from my mission trip. So if you see me in the next couple of weeks, I'll be the one with crazy, dirty, ratty two-toned hair.

I love new mascara - that's not really a new confession, but stick with me. I got the new Covergirl mascara in my SurfsUp VoxBox from Influenster a couple weeks ago, and while it makes my eyelashes crazy long - I can't seem to get it off properly? Even when I take my eye makeup off at night, I still wake up looking like a raccoon. HELP!

Real Talk (as a form of Monday Motivation)

I have not a clue why I feel like it’s my job to bring Monday Motivation…but alas, here we are. I had an epiphany of sorts over the weekend. And by epiphany, I mean a mental breakdown. Now to be fair it’s been a little while since I’ve had a good breakdown so I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised by it.  I had a nice little post written up to start the week off right too – a post about how to pray as a single girl during what feels like a season of waiting. But honestly I had to keep it real with y’all. Not that I lied in that other post, because it all came from my heart too. But my heart is just a different state as of right now and I wanted to share that with you instead.
 

So our story starts Friday night – the 4^th of July, which in case you didn’t know is one of my 3 favorite holidays. I feel like everybody in my life used to know that and now only a couple people know that fact. Sadly, it just doesn’t hold the excitement for me that it once did. But ANYHOW – I spent Friday with a full heart. I had a busy day, and ended the evening at a get together with a bunch of people from my church. Such a great day! Towards the end of the night, I happen to take inventory on the people I’m surrounded by and all of a sudden realize I’m the only single person in attendance. I’m with so many people who love me and are important to me, but the breakdown consists of two engaged couples, plenty of married couples, kids galore and ME. Nobody was treating me in a way that made me feel different or left out or anything, but once I noticed this fact it was literally ALL I could think about it. Don’t you hate it when your mind just controls you like that?
 

The party ends and I come home to an empty house – totally and completely in the beginning stage of feeling sorry for myself. I turn on the TV and Sex and the City is on – which happens to be one of my favorite movies. I remember after my breakup, watching that movie with brand new perspective – you know I’m talking about the part where Big ditches Carrie before the wedding. I remember feeling those exact same feelings and relating to what had just happened in my own life.  I felt dead inside, like Carrie felt dead inside. I don’t think people quite understand that feeling - and if you don’t then thank your lucky stars! The quote that always stands out to me still is when Carrie & Miranda are shopping for Halloween outfits (just before she sees her issue of Vogue for the first time) and Carrie says, “I KNOW it happened to me, but I still can’t believe that it happened TO ME.” I saw that Friday night and I lost it. I STILL FEEL THAT WAY SOMETIMES! I definitely felt that way Friday night. And for the first time in a long time, I missed my old life. I missed the ease of things, and the comfort of being snuggled up tight in my comfort zone. I missed Skye and so many things about him – like how he always went out of his way to make the 4^th of July a huge deal for me. And I wanted it all back – the life, the imperfect relationship, the years spent together, the ring, the future, the planned wedding – in that moment I would have likely sacrificed so many things to get my old life back.

 

And yeah that’s a terrible thing to say. I feel awful even admitting that out loud. Mainly because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today if I hadn’t survived through that tragedy of a broken engagement. But it’s the God honest truth. And clearly that stigma still haunts me. I hate that I let it define me. And my enemy knows that – and when he comes to prey on me he knows exactly what ammo to bring. I just cried and looked at our engagement pictures – because I’m a weirdo who likes to torment myself. (And because I really love those picture and how skinny I was) And I prayed. And I’m here to tell you that even right now I’m still battling a little bit with those feelings. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking I’m a crazy person – and I wouldn’t disagree with you –but I know that if 1 year and 8 months later this can still creep back in and affect me, then other people might be dealing with fighting similar battles. And that’s what makes us human. I spent a lot of time this weekend looking backwards. Going over things in my head and wondering how they might have played out differently.

But really, that’s time wasted. I felt like I was in control of my life then – and obviously I wasn’t. I know that God is control of my life now – but I still have bad days. I am so thankful for my faith and all God has done in my life – especially in the past almost 2 years. I know things now that I didn’t KNOW then about God’s grace. And how even when I am a whiny crybaby and wish to go back to a life that didn’t value or praise Him, the Lord still loves me relentlessly and welcomes me with open arms to taste his forgiveness. That’s something that my ex-fiancé could never in a million years offer me.  He left me and never looked back. God reminds me that this is all just a part of my story to tell. My relationship with Him doesn’t exclude me from sadness, but it offers me a new kind of hope. Hope that the best days of my life are not behind me – but they lie ahead of me. Which is why that CS Lewis quote helped me SO much during my rough patch.

And even though I think the lesson this weekend has been a valuable one, I’m ready to get back to feeling like my perky old self again!

How can I pray for you guys this week? Tell me specifically what you’re struggling with and let’s pray together that we conquer these battles!