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Monday, July 7, 2014

Real Talk (as a form of Monday Motivation)

I have not a clue why I feel like it’s my job to bring Monday Motivation…but alas, here we are. I had an epiphany of sorts over the weekend. And by epiphany, I mean a mental breakdown. Now to be fair it’s been a little while since I’ve had a good breakdown so I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised by it.  I had a nice little post written up to start the week off right too – a post about how to pray as a single girl during what feels like a season of waiting. But honestly I had to keep it real with y’all. Not that I lied in that other post, because it all came from my heart too. But my heart is just a different state as of right now and I wanted to share that with you instead.
 
So our story starts Friday night – the 4th of July, which in case you didn’t know is one of my 3 favorite holidays. I feel like everybody in my life used to know that and now only a couple people know that fact. Sadly, it just doesn’t hold the excitement for me that it once did. But ANYHOW – I spent Friday with a full heart. I had a busy day, and ended the evening at a get together with a bunch of people from my church. Such a great day! Towards the end of the night, I happen to take inventory on the people I’m surrounded by and all of a sudden realize I’m the only single person in attendance. I’m with so many people who love me and are important to me, but the breakdown consists of two engaged couples, plenty of married couples, kids galore and ME. Nobody was treating me in a way that made me feel different or left out or anything, but once I noticed this fact it was literally ALL I could think about it. Don’t you hate it when your mind just controls you like that?
 
The party ends and I come home to an empty house – totally and completely in the beginning stage of feeling sorry for myself. I turn on the TV and Sex and the City is on – which happens to be one of my favorite movies. I remember after my breakup, watching that movie with brand new perspective – you know I’m talking about the part where Big ditches Carrie before the wedding. I remember feeling those exact same feelings and relating to what had just happened in my own life.  I felt dead inside, like Carrie felt dead inside. I don’t think people quite understand that feeling - and if you don’t then thank your lucky stars! The quote that always stands out to me still is when Carrie & Miranda are shopping for Halloween outfits (just before she sees her issue of Vogue for the first time) and Carrie says, “I KNOW it happened to me, but I still can’t believe that it happened TO ME.” I saw that Friday night and I lost it. I STILL FEEL THAT WAY SOMETIMES! I definitely felt that way Friday night. And for the first time in a long time, I missed my old life. I missed the ease of things, and the comfort of being snuggled up tight in my comfort zone. I missed Skye and so many things about him – like how he always went out of his way to make the 4th of July a huge deal for me. And I wanted it all back – the life, the imperfect relationship, the years spent together, the ring, the future, the planned wedding – in that moment I would have likely sacrificed so many things to get my old life back.
 
And yeah that’s a terrible thing to say. I feel awful even admitting that out loud. Mainly because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today if I hadn’t survived through that tragedy of a broken engagement. But it’s the God honest truth. And clearly that stigma still haunts me. I hate that I let it define me. And my enemy knows that – and when he comes to prey on me he knows exactly what ammo to bring. I just cried and looked at our engagement pictures – because I’m a weirdo who likes to torment myself. (And because I really love those picture and how skinny I was) And I prayed. And I’m here to tell you that even right now I’m still battling a little bit with those feelings. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking I’m a crazy person – and I wouldn’t disagree with you –but I know that if 1 year and 8 months later this can still creep back in and affect me, then other people might be dealing with fighting similar battles. And that’s what makes us human. I spent a lot of time this weekend looking backwards. Going over things in my head and wondering how they might have played out differently.

But really, that’s time wasted. I felt like I was in control of my life then – and obviously I wasn’t. I know that God is control of my life now – but I still have bad days. I am so thankful for my faith and all God has done in my life – especially in the past almost 2 years. I know things now that I didn’t KNOW then about God’s grace. And how even when I am a whiny crybaby and wish to go back to a life that didn’t value or praise Him, the Lord still loves me relentlessly and welcomes me with open arms to taste his forgiveness. That’s something that my ex-fiancé could never in a million years offer me.  He left me and never looked back. God reminds me that this is all just a part of my story to tell. My relationship with Him doesn’t exclude me from sadness, but it offers me a new kind of hope. Hope that the best days of my life are not behind me – but they lie ahead of me. Which is why that CS Lewis quote helped me SO much during my rough patch.
And even though I think the lesson this weekend has been a valuable one, I’m ready to get back to feeling like my perky old self again!

How can I pray for you guys this week? Tell me specifically what you’re struggling with and let’s pray together that we conquer these battles!
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24 comments:

Sarah said...

I cried while reading this.


You are so strong! Never feel bad or ashamed of having bad days or missing the past. It happens, & it's part of the journey! You have grown so much & you will continue to do so! Being single in a group of couples is the worst & it takes a special person to feel absolutely okay with it! It's normal to feel bad, but one day you won't have to feel that way! One day you will have your man & it won't matter anymore!


Happy Monday friend!

Jamie said...

Hang in there. We will always have bad days but, like you said, it's about getting better- not getting perfect.

Erin @ Happily Obsessed said...

Gah I wish I could have came over and cried with you, because you totally know I would have!! It's okay to have these break downs it's part of what helps you heal. You are an amazing woman with such a full heart.

Mademoiselle Michael Blog said...

I feel like what you went through was much, much closer to a divorce than it was to a breakup. I have several girlfriends who were married and divorced but they weren't together as long as you and Skye were. It's tough stuff. It really is. We're allowed the realities of our truths: whatever they looks like, and you are the only person who has 100% access to that truth. I think you are probably harder on yourself than you realize too. :) You're doing great. Love you girlie.

Tami said...

Oh Nikki I could have written this post (except for the fact I did nothing on July 4th). For whatever reason summers are hard for me- harder than the rest of the year. I have my theories on it but we'll just say that I struggle and this summer- as I hit 39 a month ago has been one of my busiest and hardest ones yet. I don't know if you are a reader but if so- check out my blog because I am giving away a book (and I have only my dad entered so far LOL) that I think would speak to your heart as it has mine. Here's the link: http://journeytoahealthylife.blogspot.com/2014/07/seeking-rest-spiritualwhitespace.html

and then on top of that the author blogs over at (in)courage and she has a post there today where she is giving away 10 copies- the chapter that she uses as part of her post- that was the one that God used to get a hold of me that is slowly helping me to deal with the rejection that I face daily: http://www.incourage.me/2014/07/move-beyond-surviving-to-choose-joy-and-rest-book-giveaway-finding-spiritual-whitespace.html

and finally- if you so desire- feel free to friend me on FB (Tami Grandi)

Stephanie | Captured in the Lens said...

You are an amazing women! I still have days where I think about the past (my ex is engaged - got engaged a month after we broke up). I always wonder what I did wrong. Or why I wasn't good enough. Etc. But, those days are few and far between. It's okay to have bad days. :)

Amanda aka Manda said...

I wish I could have been there to celebrate the fourth you! I know how much you love the holiday! I think everyone misses parts of their old life at times and that's ok. Healing takes time and every time you think you're there, God shows you He's still working! It's been amazing to see you grow as a person, friend, and sister in Christ. You are so strong for being so open about this whole process. You're amazing and beautiful and just so much more than you'll ever know. Like you said it's all about getting better! And you know what I need you to pray about for me! Love you SO much!!

Helene in Between said...

i love how honest you are on your blog. you cut the bullshit and are the real you. the pain, the struggle, all of it. and I think the fact that you own up to it says so much about you. i really think time heals all and you have made a wonderful life for yourself!!

Jill @ Bluegrass Belle said...

Reading this made my heart hurt for you, but I love that it is so real. Your blog is not happy, perfect, "my life is great" all the time, but I feel like I know you more than if you were that way, if that makes sense? Keep on doing what you're doing. It doesn't mean there won't be bad days, but if God brings you to it He will help you get through it. My faith is not always the strongest but I 100% believe that. I love that you're using your blog to share your faith and life changes with us, too :)

Dee Stephens said...

I know it hurts, but look at it from this perspective.
You could have been writing a post about your and Skye getting divorced after one year.
I know so many people that has happened to.
Stay focused on yourself and you physical and emotional well being and everything will happen in time.
XOXO,
Dee

Jennifer Kolb said...

I'm thinking about you girl!!! Don't ever think that thinking about the past is wasted time because it helps to remind you how far you've come and where you want to go next!! I know it was one of the toughest times for you, but you are so so strong & I admire you for that! I'm here if you need anything!!

Tracy said...

Arg, I have those moments too and my break-up was BEFORE yours!! He's now married (was less than a year after we broke up) and has a son already. I am SO GLAD we didn't end up together - seriously - but MAN I miss that life.

You are human and imperfect and God planned it that way. Everyone has those days and need those days to stay sane (or at least I tell myself that, lol).

I always pray for the peace that passes ALL understanding and know HIS time is perfect. I love you girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lil desiqua said...

I love this post, and your honesty. Sometimes I feel similar, like I want my old life back. It will actually be a year tomorrow that I broke up with my bf of 5 years. I feel like I've changed a lot in that time, and grown, and though sometimes I want the old, I'm pretty happy with where I am now. And even though you may stumble here and there, the important thing is that you are able to pick yourself back up and appreciate where you are now- which is a great skill that not everyone has!

Kels @ BlonderSide said...

Somethin so painful and big such as a broken engagement can always creep back up on us despite the happiness and progress we've made past it. But like you said God is always watchin out for us and is there to help us through the relapses. Keep that head up high girl!

Hallie Oceanside said...

I love you more than words can ever say and these words broke my heart, but than of course I know by the end that everything that has happened to you, even though it sucks, it is just the hard chapter in your big life story.

We are consistently tested with trials and hardships and those of us who can stand up, look ourselves in the mirror, be real, and share our stories with others are the strong ones.

You are an amazing, sweet, perfect, and incredible girl. I know those nights suck but god choose you to be the voice for all of us who may have ever dealt with this before, and he made a damn good choice indeed. Your perfect man/time is coming. I just KNOW it! :)

Ashley said...

how i wish we lived in the same city. i had an almost similar july 4th as you....only single girl in a group of friends. today marks the 6th anniversary of the end of my 7th year relationship. and i occasionally pull out the pics and torment myself too. it's been a freaking struggle for me lately. feel like i've been waiting literally forever and it is hard. and it hard to always be hopeful. this post really just echoed what's been in my heart this weekend. i know you've heard it all so i'm not going to say anything encouraging...i'm just going to say, i'm there too girl. love ya!

Janna Renee said...

I actually felt 'single' on the fourth! I couldn't bring myself to message anyone to see what they were doing because I didn't want to be the third wheel and felt pretty alone. I couldn't believe I felt that way and acted like a 12 year old girl, but luckily the other wives felt the same and we all ended up hanging out.

As for you, I can't wait until you meet Mr. Right and you see exactly why you and Skye weren't meant to be. I had no clue what love really was or how amazing it could be until I met Mr. Right. God will show you.

Amy said...

1) I want your phone number. That's not weird, right?

2) Girl. I know this. So, so well. I remember texted my mentor one time just being like "I want to be done with this whole God thing. It's too hard, I just want to go back to how things were." And I immediately felt so ashamed the next morning of those words, but she responded with SUCH grace and not an ounce of judgement. I think it's normal to have moments of like, moments where our old lives look so appealing. But I'm thankful for a God who ALWAYS pursues us in those moments, and the moments after. "He is faithful to finish the good work He starts." Phil 1:6. Amen a hundred times.

3) I love you.

Life of a Little Songbird said...

I know you have heard all of the cliches about "it will come when you least expect it" and "Gods got a plan", "it will be in His timing". But they are all absolutely true. You are in an amazing place in your life. You have the time to find out who you really are and become closer and closer to God. So one day when you meet that guy you will be the best version of yourself.

Also you're awesome & such an inspiration to me. I love seeing your posts & insta's. You always encourage me :) Keep doing what you're doing!

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

You're allowed to have days like this girl... nothing to feel guilty about! Reflection is GOOD for us! :)

Fran @ Sassy Southern Bride said...

I related to so many of your posts so so much. I HATE when I feel like I have a bitter spirit about something and can't seem to snap out of it. Sounds like you are already though, and I know there are wonderful things in store for you!!

Amy @ Living n Learning said...

In the 3ish years that I've been single I can't even count how many times my mind got the better of me in a group setting once I realized that I was the only single person there. And no one did anything to make me feel awkward about it but I always get down on myself when it happens. You're not alone in the struggle lady. When the timing is right we will find the person that will take us out of single people club.

Pamela said...

I love this & YOU! I love how you always so real & raw. I'll be praying for you too! You've come along way & have gained SO much from that experience!! I respect you so much for that too. Wellllll...if you're taking prayer requests, please say a prayer for my husband! He has his final state exam for law enforcement this Friday morning! He is SO nervous. He hates tests & is the type of person that freezes on them! He has been studying & in class they have been studying this week as well.

Lisa @ Two Martinis said...

Thanks for sharing such a beautiful and honest post! I'm sorry to hear you were struggling a few weeks ago - but I hope you've started to feel better again! Time really does heal everything, and I just know God's plan for you is going to be way better than any plans you could have created for yourself!