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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Seasons of Clutter

Have you even taken inventory of your daily life and found yourself to be stuck in a season of clutter? Not necessarily physical clutter, but life clutter. I feel lately like my schedule is full of busy. I'm glorifying the busy in my life by keeping a tight schedule that lacks intentionality. I'm not a big fan of the way this realization feels when it hits me. I feel like I'm wasting time, saying yes to all the wrong things, throwing money away and not serving the purposes that I am here for. I'm always scatterbrained because I'm running on half as much sleep as I need, feeling ragged because I'm not taking care of myself and, if I'm being honest, I actually feel relieved when someone cancels plans with me because it frees up some time between hectic running back and forth. Nobody in my life is getting the best of me. Everybody is getting broken fragments of what I have left to offer. I find myself saying "I don't have time for..." constantly. I hate this feeling.

These seasons of clutter leave me feeling empty, drained, hollow. Like I have nothing to offer the people I love, the people I work with, the people who need me. Then it also leads to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, guilt and snowballs from there... I'm hard on myself, I know that. Too hard most of the time. I struggle constantly with showing myself grace.
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I am words person. You know this about me. I am good with words. I can comfort with words. I express myself through words. I can sit here all day and write a blog post that tells you exactly how I'm feeling and take myself on a journey as to why. But when it comes to real life, I feel like I don't have time for real, meaningful, gritty interactions with people. I don't have what it takes right now to put my words into action in my own life. And that disappoints me.

Then I read Stop Sleeping with Liars. Cue the tears. Stop whatever you are doing and READ that. Don't just read it, print it. Re-read it. Highlight the parts that speak to you. Send it out on social media. Memorize it. Make it the first thing you read in the morning, or the last thing you read before bed. Maybe you can't relate to this now, but one day you will. One day you will need these words to resurrect you.

"you’re human. That’s it. You’re not super human. You’re not subhuman. You’re just plain human. You make mistakes. You don’t scale walls. You hurt people without ever intending to. You get your heart ripped out of your chest. Some days the only language you can endure is tears and you’re like, “I’M SO FLUENTTT IN TEARSSSS. WHATTT ISSSS WRONNGGG WITHHH MEEE???” Like I said, you’re human. Go with it." - HB

I don't let the people in my real life comfort me. It's a lifelong struggle I have with letting people in. The hardest thing in the world for me to sit down and talk about what's on my mind and what's bothering me. I want to be a super human. And to me that means dealing with things entirely on my own, not discussing my weaknesses and not showing emotions. I have to remind myself that when I can display my weakness, it empowers Christ to work for me and through me (2 Cor 12:9). Lately, this season of clutter has left me feeling weak, full of emotions and not able to be comforted. My instinct is to retreat. But my friend Hannah Brencher can comfort me with her words like no other. Well, second to Jesus, that is.

(If you don't know Hannah, then you are missing someone who can speak life into you. I've said it before, but Hannah is my soul sister - even if she doesn't know it yet. Her words reach into the depths of my soul and inspire me to want better, do better - just be better. Her passion is contagious. I am convinced she was placed on this Earth to light a fire within me!)

"Accepting yourself will prove to be one of the biggest journeys of this lifetime. Pack the bags. Bring the toothbrush. March for the door and go. That journey is worth taking." - HB
 
So what can I do to remedy this?

Remember that I am human. Give ALL my insecurities, fears and anxieties to God - every.single.day. Embrace God's sweet grace. Offer myself the grace that He offers me daily. Accept that I am doing all that I can, and maybe some days that just doesn't look like much. Don't continue to beat myself up for mistakes I made years ago. Fall back in love with people around me. Be real and honest when I feel like I'm just not measuring up. Don't believe the lies that I have to be everything to everyone. Be passionate about making a difference in a few people's lives and that will be my change in this world. Pre-order Hannah's book that is coming out in March 2015 (she really should just hire me to work for her!).

 
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13 comments:

Joey said...

I so needed this right now. I'm purposely keeping myself so busy right now so I don't have a moment to stop and think...at all. There is so much going on in our lives (which I have chosen not to share online) that IF I let myself stop and think even for just a second...I'll crumble. So busy feels better. But I know that's my was of escaping and it's not the best way to cope--but for now it's working. I'm just afraid of what will happen when the business stops. I'll definitely be reading Stop Sleeping With Liars. Love you friend <3

Erin Gandy said...

Loved this post!! Completely understand!

Amanda aka Manda said...

Hannah's post spoke to my heart too! No one can do what you were put on this earth to do & you are doing the best you can! We've all been (or will be one day) in this season but at least you have realized it & are trying to do better & let God do His work in your life! That alone takes courage!! It will get better, maybe not today or this week, but it will get better!!

Kerry @ Till Then Smile Often said...

I'll have to check out that book. I have been totally feeling the overwhelm most days lately. Trying to cut what I can and make time to do it all but it is a struggle. Keep your chin up!

Amanda Elizabeth - Meet @ the Barre said...

Oh girl this post hit so close to home for me you know it! I am always spreading myself thin and nobody can get the best version of you that way!

P!nky said...

I <3 you!!!!

Kenya said...

This is such a great post. Your words are spot on. Love this post.

Tami said...

I LOVE this post- I could have written this myself!

Micah said...

Great post. I'm definitely looking for this book.

Ashley Robyn said...

Love, love, love this sweet friend. I so needed to read this today and every day! These things are definitely things that I need to work on all day every day. I miss you. Hope you are doing amazing!

Krysten Quiles said...

That sounds like something I need to read, like, yesterday.

Fran @ Sassy Southern Bride said...

I also often feel that I'm doing so much that I'm not doing anything well. I loved this post. It is hard to do, but sometimes saying no is a good thing! We all need to rest. I'm reading a devotional called It's a Wonderful Imperfect Life by Joan Webb that I really like.

lil desiqua said...

So, so perfect! I'm the same way too, I need to work on letting people in more. We're not super humans and we don't need to be!