Another Day, Another Dollar, Another Year Older

I just celebrated another birthday last week on September 18th. (For the record I started writing this post in September - yet somehow now it's October 25th and I'm just now posting it...a month later... LIFE!)

I didn't turn a milestone age or anything like that, but I would definitely say I'm coming off a record year or two. Losing my mom, Getting engaged, getting married, finding out I'm pregnant - all within a whirlwind amount of time. "Record" to me, meaning unlike any other and unable to be compared to any other. The age of 30/31 was the purest definition of a record year. I'm not sure any other year of my little life has been more significant in shaping the "adult" me.

 

It's comical to me when I look back on the past few years of my life. I just KNEW that 30 was going to be the year that changed my life forever. And I guess, in a round about sort of way, things did change a whole lot. God pushed me to lots of uncomfortable places when I was 30. I loathed the idea of being " a 30 year old", but I took solace that my life was in His hands and He was 100% guiding me where I needed to be. He taught me to learn to believe that the best things were yet to come (and they truly were). But as with any period of massive growth, there were hardships endured too. The hardest thing ever, actually, when I lost my mom in April 2015. God's timing is truly something to be in awe of though. I can only see that now, a year and half later as a I look back on how things played out.

 

My faith has played a gigantic role in molding me into this more "adult" version of myself. That's how I like to think of myself anyhow - the more adult version of who I used to be. It's ok if you know me in real life and you just literally LOLed at me calling myself an adult at all :) God changed everything for me after a traumatic breakup in 2012, and while I still think I retained pieces of my former self; I feel like a much different person than I was before that happened. And I mean that in the best way possible.

I started looking through my Instagram account (because you know, I'm so wise in my old age) to see if I could pinpoint any so-called lessons I've learned throughout the past year. Just wanted to share some of those with you today!
 

 

 

    

Basically, there are reminders that I need every single year. And probably will need every single year for the rest of my life. I sometimes have a comparison problem, which is also linked to a worrying about how people will think of me problem. It's forever going to be about not getting caught up in life's hustle and just stopping to breathe, be grateful and allow yourself to feel blessed. I probably need someone to tell me that everyday.

 

The only new lesson this year is "Growing tiny humans is exhausting" because let's face it, it really is! I had no idea! But we'll save that for another post.

 

Here's to another year of needing Jesus, needing support and love and making memories!

 

Tis the Season for Making Broken Things Beautiful

Where do I even begin with this post??? Well first of all, thank you all for your sweet comments on my last post before Thanksgiving. I have to admit that it ended up being a pretty good Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family. We were all a little worried about how it might be, but in the end, we were able to celebrate each other and our blessings. The only tears shed were during the prayer before we ate when we thanked God for sending us mom to have in the first place.

So now on to Christmas! I have realized something about myself this year... I am embarrassed to say it, but I am a Christmas pessimist. I complain about the season, complain about my family situation and find myself saying "I hate Christmas!" frequently. As much as I try to be a positive person in general, Christmas gets the best of me. BUT WHY? Christmas is NOT supposed to be about me. But I am quite ashamed to admit that I am constantly trying to make it center around me.

I don't have enough money for all the gifts I want to buy

I don't have normal family relationships

I don't have time for 12 Christmas stops

I don't get enough time off work around the holidays

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

Christmas tends to make me feel broken. Beat down. Financially broke. Kinda ungrateful. It's ugly. I have come to expect the worst, and that's not really who I want to be. But this year, just three days before Christmas I have  renewed sense of HOPE. Hope in the fact that God is still working all around me - even on the hard days when I feel very far from him. Hope that my family can be restored. Hope that Christmas can still stand for exactly what it should always stand for - even though I try to manipulate the meaning and make it about me. Hope in GRACE!

So this morning, as my attitude was slowing shifting from Scrooge to Buddy the Elf, I had an epiphany of sorts. This IS what the Advent season is about. It's what it's ALL about! Christmas is about celebrating the ultimate gift of the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ and recognizing that He came to rescue us from this broken world. I read something a couple weeks ago over at (in)courage and it's really stuck with me. I've gone back to re-read it several times, but it wasn't until today that it truly clicked.

Christmas is the ultimate story of hope, of grace, of restoration. Isn't that just the best reminder??

My life can feel messy. When the mess feels overwhelming and heavy (which can be more times than I'd care to admit), I tend to completely forget the redemption of restoration. I tend to focus only what is weighing me down, and then I'm unable to feel God around me. Things have changed drastically for me since last Christmas. I went back to reread my Christmas post from 2014 and I laughed a little at how much things have changed. Somehow I always forget how vastly things can change just within a year's time!!

I think slowly, but surely, I am learning these lessons. But I also know eventually that even if this time of year is always a little hard on the heart for me, God's hope of restoration is always always always here. And for that, I am thankful!

Oh yeah - and in case you missed it - this Christmas I am going to be showing off some new bling!!!!! I got engaged on 12/12!! Even though it's been 10 days already, I still can't shake the excitement. I cannot wait to marry this man. I hope he knows how much I love him. Talk about the ultimate feeling of coming full circle with my journey. I can't wait to see what God has planned for us (& hopefully our family) this coming year!!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!! I hope you can take a moment to breathe in your blessings and recognize that is always something to be thankful for! I know I will be forcing myself to do that over the next week. XOXO

Let's Talk Life

Almost four long months have gone by without even so much of a hint of a blog post...

That might be a new record for radio silence around here.

Have no fear, friends, I'm still alive and well! I have missed my blog and my bloggy friends, but I haven't really felt inspired to write about much lately. A million things have happened in my world that have caused me to draft a post, but the words just never seemed to come out right to match how I felt. I hate that too because blogging has always been such a positive outlet for me. I thought I would just try again today. I need a release!

Life always hit me the hardest around the holidays. The past three holidays seasons have been especially hard for me. I've been in a place of trying to heal a broken heart for a while now. And while I do feel like I'm finally healed up from that breakup 3 Novembers ago, the holiday season just always triggers this major anxiety within my heart. I should be excited because it will be my first holiday season with my boyfriend. We have been dating for 7 months now (CRAZY, right??) and there's so much to celebrate there, but sadly I think we are not going to end up together for Thanksgiving and it's really bothering me. I'm feeling Debbie Downer-ish. There are so many reasons why. My family is messy - both sides of it. I don't really feel like I belong within my biological family, for the most part. That's really hard to say - even harder to feel, but it's true. I have always searched for a "family" to adopt me outside of the people who are blood related to me. I have always imagined marrying a guy whose family just takes me in and never makes me feel like an outsider. I desire that so much!

This will be my family's first holiday season without my mom. Some days that makes me feel sad, some days it makes me feel numb, but most days it just makes me feel anxious about how it will be. Last Thanksgiving, I struggled internally with whether or not to even participate in my family's Thanksgiving get together. I ended up going for maybe an hour and it was a complete disaster. My mom had just finished a round of chemo and she was so skinny and sickly. But she was also hurting and not dealing with everything well so she was drinking heavily to mask her pain. She was hammered drunk when I got there and things just went downhill from there. It was a painful time. The holidays are typically a time reserved for celebrating time spent with your family, and it's honestly just a harsh reminder for me that I don't have that. The negatives are weighing me down.

I looked back to my post last year for Thanksgiving, and now I'm sitting here crying as I read these words again this year:

(PS - this is a great one too, Giving Thanks In Sorrow). "When you think you’ll never again be able to sing a song of thanksgiving, try it anyway. Our hearts may not be comfortable praising tragedy, loss, or bad days, but our hearts were created to praise the Hope of Glory."

I am reminded that hope is never in vain. Even when it feels useless, it's not. Even if you have to tell yourself that every second of the day just to make it through. Hope in Jesus is always the only way to survive anything. I might be struggling with the heaviness in my heart right now, but hope is the only way to overcome. I truly believe that! When I focus on the family situation I currently have, the family I want, or the shortcomings with either - I am completely heartbroken. I become overwhelmed when I focus on the things that weigh me down, but I am lifted when I fix my eyes on Jesus and his promises. I cannot even tell you how reassuring of a thought that is to me today.

I went back to SheReadsTruth today for a little inspiration and wanted to share with you what I found. "His promises hold fast, even when your world is crumbling. In everything, He is good. In everything give thanks." Sweeter words have never been spoken. When I feel like I don't have anyone to count on, I have the Lord. When I feel let down by everyone's conditional love and empty promises, I have Jesus who will never leave me and never stop showing me how faithful He is.

Source

I stole this from SRT too because I thought it was a good exercise in thanksgiving. Maybe someone else needs this reminder today just as much as I did.

Let’s actively thank our good God today.

I will give thanks in…

1. this joyful thing:
2. this suffering:
3. this certainty:
4. this stress:
5. this injustice:
6. this sorrow:
7. this plenty:
8. this want:
9. this wandering:
10. this waiting:

Wishing you all a truly Happy Thanksgiving, filled with warm hearts and full bellies! XOXO

What Means The World To You

"Cause money mean the world to me, Imma shine for the world to see..."

I sincerely hope the title of this post has taken you back to your younger days and you are singing Cam'ron in your head as we speak. That was MY JAM when I first started driving! If you don't know who Cam'ron is then I don't even know what to tell you... Apparently my life revolves around song lyrics so I need all my friends to cooperate.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about funny life can be - about how quickly things can change, how ironically things can play out, about how worrying about the future does us absolutely zero good. (Even so, I'm pretty sure we are all guilty of worrying from time to time anyhow.) I'm at this place in my life right now where I feel like I'm teetering on the cusp on great change - and when these feelings hit me I'm always compelled to look back on how things have progressed.

I read this post today from my friend Annie Downs on turning 35 and what that means. I say she's my friend, but really we haven't met in real life. I just love her and I can relate to her story. This was my favorite part:
"It means all day today, I will celebrate the life I have. Not the one I’m missing out on or the one I’m waiting for, but the one I have. It means I wouldn’t trade what I do have for what I wished for. And I will celebrate how God made me. Not who I wish I was or the things I would change, but who I am. Today."


Perfectly said, RIGHT?!?!! My 31st birthday is quickly approaching in September. That statement is scary as crap to write and say out loud. 31????? When did I get old enough to be an almost 31 year old!!!! You know birthdays always make me feel some kinda way - 2013, 2014. Getting older tends to make me feel antsy. 


BUT My 30th year goal was to be in love with my life, every minute of it, and I think I'm finally starting to get a grip on that. I'm slowly learning at the ripe old age of 367 months old how to celebrate the life that I have TODAY and not worry about the one I thought I was missing out on.

I say that I feel like I'm on the edge of change for a lot of reasons. Talks of engagement, marriage, babies, traveling more for work, future life plans and lots of big girl things are happening these days. All of which are HUGE life changes, well worth celebrating. I'd be a lying dog if I told you I wasn't tickled pink with how things are going right now. I'm in such a strong place emotionally, for the first time probably since Skye and I broke up back in 2012. Being in a good place emotionally doesn't mean that I have it all together or that I don't cry when I have PMS. But it does mean I am better equipped for handling the challenges that inevitably come my way. The death of my mama back in April taught me so much about my emotional state and my ROCK that is my relationship with God. He has offered me a fresh start at everything. Not without struggle, and not with the promise of no future struggles, but with the faithful TRUTH that He will sustain all struggles. It's taken some time to cleanse my heart of hateful things and  to learn the glory of true grace. I hope I never stop learning this lesson and never stop extending it to others because it's been radically life changing for me. I'm not perfect at it, (not even close) but the Lord has brought my heart such a long way in these past three years. It just feels good to feel at peace with where I am. I'm thankful beyond words!

So what means the world to me? Loving my life fully. Being surrounded by people who love me and support me. Embracing changes when they come. Getting on my knees to thank God for His blessings - in good times and bad. Celebrating what I have and who I am. Grace, grace & more grace.

This & That

Long time, no see guys! I have to admit that life has been pretty hectic lately. Between work, church things, the boyfriend and friends - I barely have time to get enough sleep these days. But don't let me fool you into thinking I'm not ridiculously happy right now! Life is pretty great.

Mother's Day has come and gone and honestly I'm glad it's over. It was difficult for me and I wrestled with the anxiety for about two weeks leading up to it. It's just a part of what comes after losing your mama - the holidays, birthdays, family occasions, etc. will be difficult, especially the first time around. Now that people have moved on with their own lives and aren't constantly checking on me, I'm left not really knowing how to feel sometimes or how to act with how I'm feeling about not having my mama around. My heart has been a little heavy throughout the process trying to cope, but yet still trying to look for the positive that can come from this situation. I am so thankful for bloggers (Katie, Jennifer) who, unfortunately, have gone through this loss before me and have helped me to know what to expect through their writing. The Lord has been SO GOOD to surround me with people who are nurturing and supportive of me, some of them in the smallest ways they probably don't even realize.

One thing that's been convicting me so much since Mother's Day is that I am my mother's legacy. I was her first born child, her only daughter and probably the child that was the least close to her ultimately, but I am still her legacy. I want to talk more about that soon, but not right now. (Heavy Topic Alert!)

Let's get caught up!

Two weeks ago I saw NEEDTOBREATHE, Drew Holcomb & Ben Rector in concert - so so good!

You like how I drop the BOYFRIEND bomb and then just peace out? A little suspense never killed nobody!! Announcing your relationship is official on the blog can feel like the kiss of death. But so far...boyfriend and I are good. So amazingly crazy good. (Pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, so I could literally gush about him for days, but I'll spare you.) You should just rest assured that I have not felt like this in a long, long time, years. Like since the Skye era. Knowing that it could all blow up in my face tomorrow is scary, but remembering what it feels like to be a smitten little kitten is worth it. Insert ALL of the heart eye emojis.

I apparently cannot get enough of TSwift and all the things she does. Anybody else completely in love with this song??

Finished Amy Poehler's Book Yes Please. I knew she wouldn't disappoint, but I was laughing out loud most of the time. My favorite part?

I've been partaking in quite a few happy hours lately. When spring rolls around and work days get long I really have to admit that I love to unwind on a patio with a cold adult beverage. Judge me, if you must.


Speaking of The Countess... I am so obsessed with the current RHONY season. I'm a little behind since life has kept me from DVR binging as much as I'd like to, but I just can't get enough of this cast. I think it's the best cast they've had in a long time! (Maybe minus Dorinda, not crazy about her.)

I can't promise that I will be posting very regularly throughout the summer, but you know I won't be able to keep my mouth shut for too long. In the mean time, I'm always available for stalking on Instagram & Twitter if you need more frequent life updates.

XOXO

Look Before You Leap...Or Something Like That

Writing posts about dating has never been difficult for me. Sometimes it makes me cringe to look back at certain things I've said in posts, but I can say that my dating posts have been accurate descriptions of where I'm at in my life. It's kinda cool to be able to look back over the past two years of singleness  documented here on my corner of the internet and see how things have progressed. I do love an honest update. So now how to describe where my dating life is currently...

Earlier this week would have been my two year wedding anniversary if Skye and I would have gone through with getting married back in 2012. Honestly, I didn't even feel the date coming on this year. I was reminded by Timehop (dang you, Timehop!). I didn't even cry. It just felt very strange. Very much like remembering something from a movie I watched years ago, instead of feeling like an experience I actually lived through. I'm in a good place with that baggage right now. Parts of that story will always be hard for me, but that's okay because I truly wouldn't want to forget. The most recent ex-boyfriend baggage is in a decent place too. It felt like we were in a stage of limbo for the past couple of months - trying to be "friends" and remain on good terms since we go to church together, yet not really being sure how to make that happen. We got to a place last week where we decided we can't be friends, and honestly I'm okay with that. AND the best news...drumroll please...I actually have a new boyfriend!! Not just someone I have a crush on, but a full blown boyfriend. I am SMITTEN and things are really good right now. It makes me so excited to feel this way again, but I'm also trying to keep myself grounded. Which if I'm being honest, is really hard to do! Especially with a boyfriend as hot as mine! :)

Dating does funny things to a 30 year old woman. It can drive  you batty, make you feel empowered, drive you to drink, or (like in my current situation) act like you've never been hurt a day in your life and just LEAP. It's much easier to allow yourself to become scarred by the battles you've faced. Been there, done that. Represented loud and proud, all day, erryday with my former black heart. That's not a fun state to live in! And it's not sustainable for someone who genuinely wants to settle down. Letting people in and being vulnerable is hard, but truly necessary work. Being that I am the ripe old age of 30, I am well acquainted with my strengths and weaknesses. I know the reasons that I would consider myself to be a great catch. But that doesn't mean that I will be everyone's cup of tea. Taking a leap in dating means that you have heighten awareness of these truths, but do not allow them to hold you back. It's a fine line that can really trip most of us up. With all that being said, I've had to come to terms with the fact that it is possible to take a leap and end up falling flat on my face. I think that fear is what holds us back most. Nobody wants to get their feelings hurt.

The evolution of my dating life is an interesting thing to study. Looking back, I see times when I should have stood my ground more and trusted my instincts. I see times when I probably shouldn't have been so overly guarded. I see mistakes, let downs, learning experiences, I see awesome stories - there's a lot to see in the dating life of a 28-30 year old!! The thing that is different for me right now is that I'm ready to take a leap. So... I'm taking a leap! Are there uncertainties? Absolutely yes. Do I have insecurities? Duh, They can feel crippling at times. It's okay to feel those things - and even better to push through them. I don't know what will happen here, but I know that I am trying to pray my way through it. I mean it when I say I want to settle down. I mean it when I say I'm ready. But I know ultimately it's not up to my timing. God knows the desires of my heart (I'm pretty persistent in telling him often), and He's the only one who knows how my story will unfold.

Remember my 2015 word? BELIEVE. I am choosing right now to believe this season of my life will serve a purpose. And I know it will. I believe that what God has planned for me is unable to be thwarted (how you like that word!!) - even by my own selfish, sometimes stupid, decisions.

My best dating advice today is to take that leap, friend. Jump in head first into the deep end. Believe that it can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you - but also know that it might not amount to anything. As scary as trying anything new (doesn't have to be a relationship) can feel, you have to try to know how it plays out. It's like playing the lottery - you gotta play to win. If you would have asked me a year ago, my advice would have probably been polar opposite. If you ask me next week, everything could have changed and it could very well be different too. But for today, I am urging you to leap.

Once again, my life has come down to being summed in a Sex & The City quote...

 

When Life Happens

I have been swirling words around in my brain for many days now, trying to figure out the right ones to say when I sat down to write this post. But I finally realized that the words don't have to be "right", they just have to be true. The truth is, life happens and sometimes it can really kick us in the pants.

 

My family is smack dab in the middle of a swift kick in the pants that we are still desperately trying to catch our breath from. One week ago today, my mama passed away. I've talked about her in varying degrees on the blog before - and probably said some pretty raw things about our relationship. Long story short, she was fighting an almost 3 year long battle with lung cancer and within the past year was diagnosed with leukemia also. Within a two week time frame, her health quickly declined and she found herself in the ICU facing double pneumonia. This is essentially a waiting game for stage 4 small cell lung cancer patients in her condition. So we waited. For a week and a half we watched her struggle and fight, and I do mean FIGHT, for every single breath that she was able to take. It's an excruciating  kind of pain to watch someone who gave you life literally fighting for their own. In the end, she lost her battle with cancer but she is finally at peace.

 

This has always been one of my favorite pictures of my mama.
This is from her baby shower, when she was a baby herself at 21 pregnant with me.

My mama was 51 years old. That doesn't seem near old enough for me to be 30 years old and only have one parent left. One of the worst parts for me has been watching my 3 younger brothers (25, 17 & 16 year olds) struggle with their emotions and for the younger ones to feel like it's just not fair. Really, it's not fair. I've felt the pain of life - a broken heart, the loss of a family member, the punch in the gut feeling when the rug is pulled out from under your feet. As someone who has overcome struggles before, I know that we are not promised a fair life. We are only promised that we do not have to face the struggles alone. “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

 

God's peace has been nothing short of miraculous for me during this difficult time. It's difficult to understand how I could even begin to feel the tiniest glimmer of hope while I was watching my mother die. It's unexplainable really. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 I prayed day and night that God would give me peace and comfort my family. I asked others to pray for the same. And that's exactly what God did. He gave us the ability to comprehend the fact that she is no longer suffering. I like to think she is doing cartwheels in Heaven and enjoying every single breath!

 

That doesn't mean it doesn't feel sad or hard sometimes, but at the end of the day we have hope. Hope is EVERYTHING! As tumultuous of a relationship as my mom and I had at times, she was still the only mom I'll ever have. She was the one chosen to bring me into this world, and her impact on my life has a huge impact on my story. Tough days will come, when I am overcome with tears, emotions and grief. But hope will always linger. Hope is a gift and I am so thankful for it in these moments when it doesn't always come easy. “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:5

 

People have remarked to me lately about "how strong I am". I appreciate a good compliment just as much as the next girl, but I've got to be honest and say I'm really not strong. Right after I went through my broken engagement a few years ago, I remember all I wanted was to be seen as strong. The past three years have taught me A LOT about what being strong actually means. Being strong for me these days means not taking pride in my own strength, but admitting where I am weak and letting God fill in His strong. I don't know how I ever navigated this crazy life without Him leading me! The days can still feel hard, but I find when I lean on Him it becomes easier. The light at the end of the tunnel becomes visible. I know it's all part of a greater plan. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

 

I have learned in a very real way through this experience that even when circumstances are bad, God is still SO good. I have been scared of what the future holds for me now, and how I will be able to cope. But I rest assured that God has prepared my faith for those days. He has placed an amazing network of people around me who care for me and who I can be real with it when I need to be. He has held true on His promise to be right in the thick of things with me. I am beyond grateful for the 30 years I had with my mama! She taught me some really hard knock life lessons. I know that she is with my brothers and I until we take our last breaths here on this Earth. I trust that God still has big things planned for me here. He can use this broken old heart in ways that I would never be able to imagine possible. And the best part is, one day I will be right there with her in Heaven doing cartwheels and singing the praises of our faithful God.

 

*For those of you who are friends with me in real life, or on social media, thank you for the kind words and prayers for my family! We read so many of them together out loud and they helped us power through some pretty tough moments. They were much needed and very appreciated!

 

believe: Jan Update

Here we are a little over a month into 2015 already. I remember being 10 years old and "older" people telling me how quickly it goes by as you grow up. They sure weren't kidding. I feel like a 90 year old lady even saying that, but it's true. I have high hopes for this year, including embracing my 2015 word: believe. However, one month down and looking back I'm not feeling so great about my momentum. I'm still choosing fear over faith.

 

I've been struggling quite a bit lately with fear. My tiny fears have somehow managed to snowball into these anxiety ridden roadblocks that prevent me from believing in God's promises for me. I have been looking backwards, going through the motions, trying to do too much, and misplacing where I've tried to anchor myself. As someone who so desperately wants to live every second of my life for God, it's really hard to know what to do with myself during these times. I am all about that self condemnation life. So you know what I have done? I have pushed Him aside. I have backed down from the belief that the Lord will tackle my fears. I have become complacent and disconnected.

 

We are in a series at church right now about listening to the Holy Spirit, even during the insanely busy times. I have spent a large portion of the past two days trying to BE STILL and listen to what the Holy Spirit tells me. Wishing for a glaring sign that I didn't feel would actually come. Trying to quiet my busy mind and listen for any whisper of hope. (Let me just tell you it's not an easy thing to quiet this mind!)

 

Then last night finally a breakthrough! Praise the Lord! Really long story short, during a 2 hour prayer night with a group I'm involved with at church the Holy Spirit gave me Psalm 37:3-7 to reflect on. We have all heard these verses a hundred times, but it was everything and exactly what I needed to be reminded of in that moment.

 

Psalm 37:3-7 "Trust in the Lord and do good. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him and he will help you. v.7 Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for him to act."

 

Honestly, I hadn't been doing any of that. My lack of trust the past couple of weeks is embarrassing for me to admit. I haven't been able to delight in Him because I've been so focused on my worries. I definitely haven't been committing everything I do to Him. And the last thing I have done is to be still or patient ... quite the opposite actually. So randomly finding these verses last night felt like I was reading them for the first time, and everything was clicking. Only it wasn't random at all. Sounds hokey, I know, but there is nothing like that feeling. I immediately was brought to tears and felt the presence of the Lord drawing me back to Him. It felt like a hug with wide open arms, I might add. No condemnation for straying, only immeasurable grace.

 

So what does that look like today and moving forward?

 

My God > my flesh

                  my failures

                 my fears

                 my future plans for myself

                 my fickle heart

 

My God = FREEDOM

 

Today I do feel like my load is lighter. Some of the circumstances of my life are sad currently, but I have the utmost belief that my God is greater than any of that. I broke up with the boyfriend, and as much as that makes my heart ache right now I do have a peace about it that I've never had in the past. He's so amazing and I selfishly don't want to not have him in my life, but I know God will work it out for us both. My family is experiencing a tough time right now too, but I know God has plans for this struggle. 

 

My faith has come so far, I cannot help but praise the Lord for all the ways He has changed my heart and continues to grow me. I think moving forward looks like me embracing the Holy Spirit, God's Word, His heart, His love and resting in those truths.

 



Source



Also, I'm doing the Love God Greatly study on Community right now. Moving forward means being active in growing my "Community" and leaning in to be supported & to support others. How can I help support you with the season you're in right now? Let's lift each other up in prayer!

 

 

XOXO

 

 

True Meaning of Christmas, brought to you by Hallmark Movies

Confession: I have watched approximately every single Hallmark movie of the Christmas variety this season. Which has surprised the heck out of me since I'm not usually a Christmas movie person. Quite the opposite actually. These movies leave me feeling full of hope that not every Christmas has to be lonely or painful. I've learned that broken engagements offer much more hope than despair, that second chances can change lives and plenty of families are dysfunctional. I'VE LEARNED THIS FROM HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIES!!! I can't decide if that's sad or not. But truthfully, all of these lessons have really hit home with me this season.

 

Christmas has truly taken on a new meaning for me this year. I have spent many Christmases in my life focused on the wrong things, wrong people, with the wrong attitude. I've spent the last two Christmases trying to find a balance within this life that didn't really feel like my own. This Christmas felt better. I dove head first into the Advent season this year and was really trying to reshape my own thoughts about how Christmas can mean more to me.

 

I know it's been a while since I've updated you guys on life happenings so maybe I should start there. Two days after I wrote my Thanksgiving post, the boyfriend and I got back together. (You can roll your eyes if you want, I promise it's okay) Classic case of spoke too soon. The thing about it is, when you just keep coming back to the same person over and over again no matter what happens (or when someone continues to pursue you over and over again no matter how scared & fickle you may seem), you have to explore that situation fully. I have no idea how we will decide when our actual anniversary is because I think we officially have like 7 of them now, but who cares. Things are so amazingly (sickeningly) good right now! (I'm not sure how I feel yet about being SO open with this relationship on the blog, but if you follow me on Twitter, Instagram or if we are Facebook friends then you'll get your fair share of our story.) One thing I will tell you is that on our first Christmas together, we got each other the same gift. This song has meaning in our relationship and I guess it truly is a sign that we are finally on the same page! We could not stop laughing about this, it was so crazy!

My family life is pretty complicated right now. Those relationships are messy and that's usually why Christmas is such an exhausting event for me. I mentioned that I chose not to spend Thanksgiving with my family this year, and for Christmas it was very much the same. I visited both my parents briefly on Christmas Eve then spent Christmas Day with a friend's family who treats me just like one of their own. Dysfunctional families are a part of life. Even the most put together families have dysfunction, I know that. Even Hallmark families have their fair share. Mine can really feel heavy at times, and it leads to me feeling so lonely and not like a part of my family at all. I'm so thankful for a church family and the absolute best group of friends who always remind me that I am loved.

 

Also, a couple weeks ago I got the chance to see Ann Voskamp, Ellie Holcomb & Amena Brown when they came on The Greatest Christmas Tour to Knoxville.

I love all of these ladies so I was super stoked to go see them, but I honestly wasn't quite as excited about the Christmas message. I left the program that night feeling so hopeful for the message of the Advent season and resting in God's love this Christmas. I was filled with even more hope than a Hallmark movie could offer me. My favorite quote from that night was from Ann Voskamp, "Cease the pace to do, to buy, to be more. Come as you are. You don't have to earn Christmas. You don't have to make it. You don't even have to like it. You can just rest in Christmas." You might be having a DUH moment right now, but I had a total WOW moment that night. I've never really viewed Christmas as being about what gifts I receive. But I am totally guilty of making it about what I can do to make Christmas great - whether it be gifts, food, or anything. The best lesson I've learned this Christmas is that my greatest gift is not my gift at all. It's simply my surrender in this season that typically overwhelms my heart in the worst way. My surrender means just being this empty space for God to fill with his love, kindness, goodness and letting those overflow from me. I'm not sure that I exactly nailed it this year, but I can say it was the best holiday season I've probably ever had.

 

This week we also had our Christmas services at church. Y'all know I'm crazy in love with my church and the fact that God continues to show up there week after week and is making big things happen in our community. Christmas services always knock it out of the park though.

My sweet boyfriend is one of our worship leaders so of course, I'm quite partial to him and that just added to my love of the Christmas services this year. It blows my mind to think that this time last year we had just met and barely knew each other and now we've been the better part of this year together (well trying to be together haha). And not only that, but God has shown up BIG time for me in so many other ways this year. This is only my 2nd year attending a Christmas service at OneLife. I simply cannot fathom what God will do in my life and in our church in 2015. Who knows what my life will look like at the next Christmas service. If I even tried to imagine, I'd be putting God into a box that He is so.much.bigger than. But I feel confident that he's going to rock my world, in the best way possible.

We sang the O come, O Come Emmanuel song and the lyrics have just been stuck in my mind for the past couple of days.

 

Rejoice, again, I say, rejoice
For unto us is born the Savior of the world
Take heart, oh weary soul, take heart
For help is on its way
And Holy is His name

 



When my soul and my heart begin to feel life's burdens, I hope I can remember these lyrics. Christmas is all about the Savior of the world being born and what that means to us. Help is here, and I don't have to feel like I'm doing this life thing alone.

I've learned so much by surrendering. I feel like I say that a lot here. But honestly, it's something that I continue to learn. Choosing faith over fear this year has brought me to where I am right now, which is exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's not easy and I most definitely don't always realize that the first time around. But just like in the Hallmark movies, second chances are sometimes the best learning experiences. I gave Christmas a second chance this year, and I really liked how it played out. I rested in what Christmas represents this year and I found true joy. I'll keep letting God work on this old heart of mine, and next year I'll probably practically be a Griswold. 

Hope all my little loves had a very Merry Christmas! XOXO

 

Real Talk (as a form of Monday Motivation)

I have not a clue why I feel like it’s my job to bring Monday Motivation…but alas, here we are. I had an epiphany of sorts over the weekend. And by epiphany, I mean a mental breakdown. Now to be fair it’s been a little while since I’ve had a good breakdown so I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised by it.  I had a nice little post written up to start the week off right too – a post about how to pray as a single girl during what feels like a season of waiting. But honestly I had to keep it real with y’all. Not that I lied in that other post, because it all came from my heart too. But my heart is just a different state as of right now and I wanted to share that with you instead.
 

So our story starts Friday night – the 4^th of July, which in case you didn’t know is one of my 3 favorite holidays. I feel like everybody in my life used to know that and now only a couple people know that fact. Sadly, it just doesn’t hold the excitement for me that it once did. But ANYHOW – I spent Friday with a full heart. I had a busy day, and ended the evening at a get together with a bunch of people from my church. Such a great day! Towards the end of the night, I happen to take inventory on the people I’m surrounded by and all of a sudden realize I’m the only single person in attendance. I’m with so many people who love me and are important to me, but the breakdown consists of two engaged couples, plenty of married couples, kids galore and ME. Nobody was treating me in a way that made me feel different or left out or anything, but once I noticed this fact it was literally ALL I could think about it. Don’t you hate it when your mind just controls you like that?
 

The party ends and I come home to an empty house – totally and completely in the beginning stage of feeling sorry for myself. I turn on the TV and Sex and the City is on – which happens to be one of my favorite movies. I remember after my breakup, watching that movie with brand new perspective – you know I’m talking about the part where Big ditches Carrie before the wedding. I remember feeling those exact same feelings and relating to what had just happened in my own life.  I felt dead inside, like Carrie felt dead inside. I don’t think people quite understand that feeling - and if you don’t then thank your lucky stars! The quote that always stands out to me still is when Carrie & Miranda are shopping for Halloween outfits (just before she sees her issue of Vogue for the first time) and Carrie says, “I KNOW it happened to me, but I still can’t believe that it happened TO ME.” I saw that Friday night and I lost it. I STILL FEEL THAT WAY SOMETIMES! I definitely felt that way Friday night. And for the first time in a long time, I missed my old life. I missed the ease of things, and the comfort of being snuggled up tight in my comfort zone. I missed Skye and so many things about him – like how he always went out of his way to make the 4^th of July a huge deal for me. And I wanted it all back – the life, the imperfect relationship, the years spent together, the ring, the future, the planned wedding – in that moment I would have likely sacrificed so many things to get my old life back.

 

And yeah that’s a terrible thing to say. I feel awful even admitting that out loud. Mainly because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today if I hadn’t survived through that tragedy of a broken engagement. But it’s the God honest truth. And clearly that stigma still haunts me. I hate that I let it define me. And my enemy knows that – and when he comes to prey on me he knows exactly what ammo to bring. I just cried and looked at our engagement pictures – because I’m a weirdo who likes to torment myself. (And because I really love those picture and how skinny I was) And I prayed. And I’m here to tell you that even right now I’m still battling a little bit with those feelings. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking I’m a crazy person – and I wouldn’t disagree with you –but I know that if 1 year and 8 months later this can still creep back in and affect me, then other people might be dealing with fighting similar battles. And that’s what makes us human. I spent a lot of time this weekend looking backwards. Going over things in my head and wondering how they might have played out differently.

But really, that’s time wasted. I felt like I was in control of my life then – and obviously I wasn’t. I know that God is control of my life now – but I still have bad days. I am so thankful for my faith and all God has done in my life – especially in the past almost 2 years. I know things now that I didn’t KNOW then about God’s grace. And how even when I am a whiny crybaby and wish to go back to a life that didn’t value or praise Him, the Lord still loves me relentlessly and welcomes me with open arms to taste his forgiveness. That’s something that my ex-fiancé could never in a million years offer me.  He left me and never looked back. God reminds me that this is all just a part of my story to tell. My relationship with Him doesn’t exclude me from sadness, but it offers me a new kind of hope. Hope that the best days of my life are not behind me – but they lie ahead of me. Which is why that CS Lewis quote helped me SO much during my rough patch.

And even though I think the lesson this weekend has been a valuable one, I’m ready to get back to feeling like my perky old self again!

How can I pray for you guys this week? Tell me specifically what you’re struggling with and let’s pray together that we conquer these battles!

On Following Your Heart

Well I know everybody wants to know what the deal is with me and the so called future boyfriend that I mentioned about a month ago. It is with some sadness that I report back to you with news of our "breakup". He is a fantastic man. He goes to church on Sundays (he even came with me to my church), he's so good looking, we have so much in common, but I had to break it off with him. I've re-written this post probably 100x in the past week or so, because honestly there's just not an easy way to say why. And let me just be clear and say it definitely was NOT what I wanted to do.

 

I know this might sound crazy to some people, the reason I ended it was because he wasn't at a point of being able to be the spiritual leader in our relationship. This is a new concept to me too - considering I've never been in a relationship where we put God first. It's not easy. And men who love God on more than just a go to church on Sundays kind of way, are hard to find. (They do exist though). But this is an area where I can't settle. I've gotten so many mixed responses from people in my life who just don't understand. "Why can't you be a catalyst to help him grow closer to God?" has been a common response when I tell people this situation. And I get that, I really truly do. I love talking with people about my story and my faith and all the truly incredible ways God has worked through me and changed me. But as far as being in a serious relationship with someone, where we are looking to settle down, raise kids and navigate life together - I just know that God has a different plan for me. I know that he has someone for me who is completely ready and willing to play the role of a spiritual leader, and someone who is truly a Godly man.

 

That's not an easy conversation to have with someone. And honestly I felt judgey towards him. I understand the point that he's at, because I've been there. I can't do work on his heart that the Holy Spirit is only able to do. It's a difficult crossroads to be faced with a decision that I don't personally want to execute. I TOTALLY wanted to date him, but I continued to feel convicted and felt like I needed to really pray about my decision to make things official. And ladies, let me just tell you that when you REALLY get serious about praying over a relationship and asking God to show you His way - you better mean it. Over a period of about 2 weeks, I was blown away by how God answered my prayers. Pretty much daily during that time period, I was given my answer. And each day it still wasn't the answer I wanted. I was reminded about God's perfect timing for my life, about trusting in Him, about the type of man that He wants for me. There was no way for me to deny the feedback I was receiving.

Source: Set Apart Girl (Leslie Ludy)

It seems silly to even say it out loud. But I stand firm on the fact that my relationship with God is number one in my life. And if I am going to say I want to try to live like Jesus then I really need to be intentional about doing that. If I'm dating a guy who doesn't have the same priorities as me, and who isn't as invested in his faith as I am, then eventually it would wear on me or on our relationship. "Future boyfriend" and I discussed the future a lot in our breakup chat(s) - we had to have two of them because it was a little difficult - and it could very well be God's will to bring us back together again. But in this moment, we both recognize that things just aren't the way they need to be.

 

It reminded me that dating can be tough - especially when you are genuine about trying to find a life partner. I'm not looking to hook up with a guy, or date him for a couple months until somebody better comes along - I am so through with all of those things that could never begin to fulfill my heart. Being single has been a little bit of a roller coaster for me. Some days I hate it and I don't feel good enough, but some days I love the freedom. Mostly, I know that I was meant to have this season in my life. If I had gone through with marrying a man who didn't love God last year, then who knows where I would be right now. Probably not where I am. And if God wants me to be single a little bit longer - to prepare me, to help others, to share my story - then I'll gladly do it.

 

Lauren DeMoss @ thefulltimegirl is an awesome resource for single women who seek Jesus