Focusing on Being Thankful

When I wrote "On Becoming a New Mommy" post back in September, the birth of my child was still 10 weeks away. Honestly, 10 weeks kiiiinnnnda felt like an eternity then.

Today, I am 14 days away from my due date. That feels like insanity. I am still very much feeling a lot of the same feelings I had back in September. The same feelings I've had since Day 1 when I found out I was pregnant. I am one big juxtaposition of emotions. (Dear Lord, pleeeeeeease let me get a grip!!!)

With the holiday season quickly approaching, I'm trying to hard to be intentional about slowing down and taking things one day at a time. The holidays are tricky sometimes. I often find myself caught up in the "stress" of everything and just wishing the time would hurry up and be over. I hate that attitude. But especially now that I'm caught up in this anxiety with Cameron's due date lingering so close, I'm definitely just trying to hurry up and make things happen.

I started doing a She Reads Truth bible study this week. It's a 14 day study of the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:1-16) from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. I know that when I spend my time praying or in thanks giving instead of stressing, worrying, or crying about things that I feel a million times better. I pray all the time and thank the Lord for his blessing of my sweet baby boy. But yet immediately after, I fall back into the pattern of being anxious and sometimes overwhelmed. Clearly, I'm not being intentional enough in my time with God. I'm not taking a deep breath and letting myself feel the comfort that ONLY HE CAN OFFER ME. Basically, I'm praying almost to check it off my list that hey, I prayed and thanked God for Cameron  today. CHECK, DONE... hmmm why don't I feel better? You know what I mean?

So Day 1 of this SRT study, helped me to slooooooow down, breathe deep, and just feel the word of God rush through me. There is literally nothing that can even come close to that feeling. Day 1 talked about how as Christians, we are the salt and light of the Earth. I'm 100% not being that lately because I am so bogged down with my feelings. It went on to say ---
"As we study this short but impactful passage at the beginning of Matthew 5, may our hearts assume a posture of gratitude toward the God who grants us His very Kingdom through the life, death, and resurrection of His Son. And as we give thanks for the blessings that are secured for us in Christ, may we be quick to scatter the knowledge of Jesus to those around us."

My job is to take this world that can often make me suffer, and make me feel inferior, and SHOW it that I will not fall for that crap. Nobody ever promised me this life would be easy - and it hasn't been easy for me. I have to remember the TRUTHs from God's word. I am not setting out to achieved blessedness from God. I AM ALREADY BLESSED through his sacrifice. Why do I so often forget that? Why am I struggling to keep that thought at the forefront of my mind?

Focusing on being thankful seems to be a struggle that I come back to constantly. I know I've talked about it on here many times, and I'm sure people in my life roll their eyes when I say I'm struggling with it again. Surrendering my SELF and allowing His grace to cover me proves to be a continual battle.

1 Chronicles 16:34 (NLT): "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! His faithful love endures forever."

I should have that tattooed on my forehead, or the backs of my hands, or wherever it would take for me to see it 100 times a day.

I try to make things more complicated than they really are with my "what if's" and my over thinking. I had gotten so much better about this for a period in my life, then since I've been pregnant my worries have increased. It has to stop. Uncertainty does not come from the Lord.

I am blessed far beyond anything I deserve. My Savior lives, and He offers me redemption after redemption when I forget the real deal. He has fulfilled the desires of my heart in incredibly abundant ways in the past two years. I am about to become a mother, smack dab in the middle of this holiday season. That irony is not lost on me. God is calling me closer to him. I must surrender these anxious, fearful feelings and remember that He's got me covered. Remember that HE CHOSE ME to be Cameron's mommy, to be Lee's wife, to be Lily's stepmom, to be everything that I am right now and to be exactly where I'm supposed to be.

It's my job to try my best to live out God's word. I'm an ugly person when I focus on myself. My prayer is that this holiday season I can focus on 1 Chronicles 16:34 and be encouraged by the sweet sweet truth that is in those words. Simple as that!

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday with your families! Within the next two weeks, I will have a precious bundle of baby boy love to share with you!!!! XOXO
 

 

Another Day, Another Dollar, Another Year Older

I just celebrated another birthday last week on September 18th. (For the record I started writing this post in September - yet somehow now it's October 25th and I'm just now posting it...a month later... LIFE!)

I didn't turn a milestone age or anything like that, but I would definitely say I'm coming off a record year or two. Losing my mom, Getting engaged, getting married, finding out I'm pregnant - all within a whirlwind amount of time. "Record" to me, meaning unlike any other and unable to be compared to any other. The age of 30/31 was the purest definition of a record year. I'm not sure any other year of my little life has been more significant in shaping the "adult" me.

 

It's comical to me when I look back on the past few years of my life. I just KNEW that 30 was going to be the year that changed my life forever. And I guess, in a round about sort of way, things did change a whole lot. God pushed me to lots of uncomfortable places when I was 30. I loathed the idea of being " a 30 year old", but I took solace that my life was in His hands and He was 100% guiding me where I needed to be. He taught me to learn to believe that the best things were yet to come (and they truly were). But as with any period of massive growth, there were hardships endured too. The hardest thing ever, actually, when I lost my mom in April 2015. God's timing is truly something to be in awe of though. I can only see that now, a year and half later as a I look back on how things played out.

 

My faith has played a gigantic role in molding me into this more "adult" version of myself. That's how I like to think of myself anyhow - the more adult version of who I used to be. It's ok if you know me in real life and you just literally LOLed at me calling myself an adult at all :) God changed everything for me after a traumatic breakup in 2012, and while I still think I retained pieces of my former self; I feel like a much different person than I was before that happened. And I mean that in the best way possible.

I started looking through my Instagram account (because you know, I'm so wise in my old age) to see if I could pinpoint any so-called lessons I've learned throughout the past year. Just wanted to share some of those with you today!
 

 

 

    

Basically, there are reminders that I need every single year. And probably will need every single year for the rest of my life. I sometimes have a comparison problem, which is also linked to a worrying about how people will think of me problem. It's forever going to be about not getting caught up in life's hustle and just stopping to breathe, be grateful and allow yourself to feel blessed. I probably need someone to tell me that everyday.

 

The only new lesson this year is "Growing tiny humans is exhausting" because let's face it, it really is! I had no idea! But we'll save that for another post.

 

Here's to another year of needing Jesus, needing support and love and making memories!

 

On Becoming a New Mommy...

I need to word vomit, and ramble and maybe cry? Not sure about the crying - some days yes, some days no. (HORMONES!) I just need a steady stream of consciousness with how I feel - good, bad and ugly 3rd trimester edition.

Pretty sure I also just a little bit need some reassurance and someone to tell me to CHILL!! Probably that more than anything else.

But first, here's a glance at how much my baby boy has grown in the past 10 weeks! Only 10 more to go!!! I cannot believe how fast the time has flown by.

holy baby bump!

 
Don't say I didn't warn you...

 



As a soon-to-be new mommy, I am reading what feels like hundreds of articles and tidbits of information daily. There is so much information related to pregnancy and children to digest, in a very small amount of time! It can certainly feel overwhelming. (Much like being pregnant itself can feel overwhelming at times.) Every single day of this journey, I have felt thankful for this gift of my child. That being said, as we get closer to the due date of my little man I do feel anxious. The fear of the unknown is very real.

 

When I was in my younger-mid 20's, I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids. Maybe it was who I was dating at the time and their agenda that I had adopted, but regardless I often said out loud that I wasn't really sure about the whole having kids thing.

 

Now?

At the age of 31 and pregnant with my first child, I would give anything to go back to being in my 20's to get this party started. However, as my husband likes to remind me, if I had started then it wouldn't have been with him and this whole story would end up looking totally different. Good point! I have to remind myself (quite a bit some days) that everything is happening exactly the way that God intended for everything to happen. More specifically, that God has already written every single day of my baby boy's life and the best part about that is? He chose ME to be Cameron's mom. He knows I can do this and I'm the only person who has what it takes to be my child's mother.

It's hard for me to fathom that I was once the girl who said she didn't want kids. Or even the fact that I was lukewarm to the idea of it all. Oh how time can change us! These days I am more than mildly obsessed with this little boy growing in my belly. My every thought revolves around him, and my time is spent trying to savor each little kick as he navigates around inside my belly. I could literally sit for hours and watch/feel him move, or watch my husband and stepdaughter talk to him or feel him move in response to them. He just has no idea how loved he is already!!

Sure, a baby changes things. Actually, a baby changes absolutely everything. It's probably going to rock my world. I think no amount of preparation could ever get us ready for his arrival. No amount of me thinking, "HOLY $HIT CAN I REALLY DO THIS?" is going to make feel more ready.

One thought lingering around my mind these days is can I really mother without my mother? I know that I am not the first person in the world to experience the birth of their first child without their mother. But sometimes that is really heavy on my heart. We take each day without my mom and we navigate what the day brings us. The milestones are hard. Planning your wedding to a man your mother never met is hard. Revealing your pregnancy to your family and remembering how much my mom wanted to have grandkids is hard. I do know for a 100% a fact that if my mom was still here, she would be driving me absolutely crazy. (Sorry mom, but you know It's the truth!) Even though she was a flawed parent (aren't we all?), my mom had 4 kids and I know I would be able to count on her right now. To talk me through things, to ease my fears, to be another family member to deeply love my child.  I think a lot of it has to do with the feelings of overwhelming love that I'm feeling and will forever feel for Cameron, as my first born child. I was my mom's first born child and she always told me how special that was - that, and the fact that I was her only girl. I wish so badly I could just talk to her right now and unload all these feelings. I know she would have a way of putting me at ease.

People tell me it's "normal" to feel the things I feel. However "normal" it can be to feel the absolute most excited, yet completely terrified about something at the very same time...

I need to step back, take a DEEEEEP breath and focus on the things I can control. My attitude, my responses to others, my actions. I am in love with growing this baby inside of my body. It's truly mind blowing and the absolute biggest blessing in this life. I do not want to take a single day for granted that I get to carry this baby and the sheer fact I am growing him in my body. It's such a miracle! I am blessed with a healthy, happy pregnancy. Sure, there are days when I feel like screaming WTF at my body or feel overwhelmed, but that's life. I've remained healthy, and my baby is healthy and growing. I can't even put into words how thankful I am for my husband. I know I've probably taken him for granted a lot lately, but he's been wonderful. Bless his heart for having to deal with me!! I choose to remain grateful in the face of fear. I have so much to be thankful for, and that's where my focus needs to be. I am guilty of letting negativity creep into my mind and control my thoughts.

Hopefully when Satan decides to quit breathing his hot summer air around me, I'll feel much better. Being 7 1/2 months pregnant in the summer is for the birds!!!!!!!! HA! I need to look into yoga or meditation. As thankful as I am for carrying this child, he sure does love to hang out right under my ribs and it hurts like crazy! Love you Cameron, but I need you to reposition yourself.

I told y'all - I'm crazy right now!!

 

Tis the Season for Making Broken Things Beautiful

Where do I even begin with this post??? Well first of all, thank you all for your sweet comments on my last post before Thanksgiving. I have to admit that it ended up being a pretty good Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family. We were all a little worried about how it might be, but in the end, we were able to celebrate each other and our blessings. The only tears shed were during the prayer before we ate when we thanked God for sending us mom to have in the first place.

So now on to Christmas! I have realized something about myself this year... I am embarrassed to say it, but I am a Christmas pessimist. I complain about the season, complain about my family situation and find myself saying "I hate Christmas!" frequently. As much as I try to be a positive person in general, Christmas gets the best of me. BUT WHY? Christmas is NOT supposed to be about me. But I am quite ashamed to admit that I am constantly trying to make it center around me.

I don't have enough money for all the gifts I want to buy

I don't have normal family relationships

I don't have time for 12 Christmas stops

I don't get enough time off work around the holidays

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

Christmas tends to make me feel broken. Beat down. Financially broke. Kinda ungrateful. It's ugly. I have come to expect the worst, and that's not really who I want to be. But this year, just three days before Christmas I have  renewed sense of HOPE. Hope in the fact that God is still working all around me - even on the hard days when I feel very far from him. Hope that my family can be restored. Hope that Christmas can still stand for exactly what it should always stand for - even though I try to manipulate the meaning and make it about me. Hope in GRACE!

So this morning, as my attitude was slowing shifting from Scrooge to Buddy the Elf, I had an epiphany of sorts. This IS what the Advent season is about. It's what it's ALL about! Christmas is about celebrating the ultimate gift of the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ and recognizing that He came to rescue us from this broken world. I read something a couple weeks ago over at (in)courage and it's really stuck with me. I've gone back to re-read it several times, but it wasn't until today that it truly clicked.

Christmas is the ultimate story of hope, of grace, of restoration. Isn't that just the best reminder??

My life can feel messy. When the mess feels overwhelming and heavy (which can be more times than I'd care to admit), I tend to completely forget the redemption of restoration. I tend to focus only what is weighing me down, and then I'm unable to feel God around me. Things have changed drastically for me since last Christmas. I went back to reread my Christmas post from 2014 and I laughed a little at how much things have changed. Somehow I always forget how vastly things can change just within a year's time!!

I think slowly, but surely, I am learning these lessons. But I also know eventually that even if this time of year is always a little hard on the heart for me, God's hope of restoration is always always always here. And for that, I am thankful!

Oh yeah - and in case you missed it - this Christmas I am going to be showing off some new bling!!!!! I got engaged on 12/12!! Even though it's been 10 days already, I still can't shake the excitement. I cannot wait to marry this man. I hope he knows how much I love him. Talk about the ultimate feeling of coming full circle with my journey. I can't wait to see what God has planned for us (& hopefully our family) this coming year!!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!! I hope you can take a moment to breathe in your blessings and recognize that is always something to be thankful for! I know I will be forcing myself to do that over the next week. XOXO

Let's Talk Life

Almost four long months have gone by without even so much of a hint of a blog post...

That might be a new record for radio silence around here.

Have no fear, friends, I'm still alive and well! I have missed my blog and my bloggy friends, but I haven't really felt inspired to write about much lately. A million things have happened in my world that have caused me to draft a post, but the words just never seemed to come out right to match how I felt. I hate that too because blogging has always been such a positive outlet for me. I thought I would just try again today. I need a release!

Life always hit me the hardest around the holidays. The past three holidays seasons have been especially hard for me. I've been in a place of trying to heal a broken heart for a while now. And while I do feel like I'm finally healed up from that breakup 3 Novembers ago, the holiday season just always triggers this major anxiety within my heart. I should be excited because it will be my first holiday season with my boyfriend. We have been dating for 7 months now (CRAZY, right??) and there's so much to celebrate there, but sadly I think we are not going to end up together for Thanksgiving and it's really bothering me. I'm feeling Debbie Downer-ish. There are so many reasons why. My family is messy - both sides of it. I don't really feel like I belong within my biological family, for the most part. That's really hard to say - even harder to feel, but it's true. I have always searched for a "family" to adopt me outside of the people who are blood related to me. I have always imagined marrying a guy whose family just takes me in and never makes me feel like an outsider. I desire that so much!

This will be my family's first holiday season without my mom. Some days that makes me feel sad, some days it makes me feel numb, but most days it just makes me feel anxious about how it will be. Last Thanksgiving, I struggled internally with whether or not to even participate in my family's Thanksgiving get together. I ended up going for maybe an hour and it was a complete disaster. My mom had just finished a round of chemo and she was so skinny and sickly. But she was also hurting and not dealing with everything well so she was drinking heavily to mask her pain. She was hammered drunk when I got there and things just went downhill from there. It was a painful time. The holidays are typically a time reserved for celebrating time spent with your family, and it's honestly just a harsh reminder for me that I don't have that. The negatives are weighing me down.

I looked back to my post last year for Thanksgiving, and now I'm sitting here crying as I read these words again this year:

(PS - this is a great one too, Giving Thanks In Sorrow). "When you think you’ll never again be able to sing a song of thanksgiving, try it anyway. Our hearts may not be comfortable praising tragedy, loss, or bad days, but our hearts were created to praise the Hope of Glory."

I am reminded that hope is never in vain. Even when it feels useless, it's not. Even if you have to tell yourself that every second of the day just to make it through. Hope in Jesus is always the only way to survive anything. I might be struggling with the heaviness in my heart right now, but hope is the only way to overcome. I truly believe that! When I focus on the family situation I currently have, the family I want, or the shortcomings with either - I am completely heartbroken. I become overwhelmed when I focus on the things that weigh me down, but I am lifted when I fix my eyes on Jesus and his promises. I cannot even tell you how reassuring of a thought that is to me today.

I went back to SheReadsTruth today for a little inspiration and wanted to share with you what I found. "His promises hold fast, even when your world is crumbling. In everything, He is good. In everything give thanks." Sweeter words have never been spoken. When I feel like I don't have anyone to count on, I have the Lord. When I feel let down by everyone's conditional love and empty promises, I have Jesus who will never leave me and never stop showing me how faithful He is.

Source

I stole this from SRT too because I thought it was a good exercise in thanksgiving. Maybe someone else needs this reminder today just as much as I did.

Let’s actively thank our good God today.

I will give thanks in…

1. this joyful thing:
2. this suffering:
3. this certainty:
4. this stress:
5. this injustice:
6. this sorrow:
7. this plenty:
8. this want:
9. this wandering:
10. this waiting:

Wishing you all a truly Happy Thanksgiving, filled with warm hearts and full bellies! XOXO

What Means The World To You

"Cause money mean the world to me, Imma shine for the world to see..."

I sincerely hope the title of this post has taken you back to your younger days and you are singing Cam'ron in your head as we speak. That was MY JAM when I first started driving! If you don't know who Cam'ron is then I don't even know what to tell you... Apparently my life revolves around song lyrics so I need all my friends to cooperate.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about funny life can be - about how quickly things can change, how ironically things can play out, about how worrying about the future does us absolutely zero good. (Even so, I'm pretty sure we are all guilty of worrying from time to time anyhow.) I'm at this place in my life right now where I feel like I'm teetering on the cusp on great change - and when these feelings hit me I'm always compelled to look back on how things have progressed.

I read this post today from my friend Annie Downs on turning 35 and what that means. I say she's my friend, but really we haven't met in real life. I just love her and I can relate to her story. This was my favorite part:
"It means all day today, I will celebrate the life I have. Not the one I’m missing out on or the one I’m waiting for, but the one I have. It means I wouldn’t trade what I do have for what I wished for. And I will celebrate how God made me. Not who I wish I was or the things I would change, but who I am. Today."


Perfectly said, RIGHT?!?!! My 31st birthday is quickly approaching in September. That statement is scary as crap to write and say out loud. 31????? When did I get old enough to be an almost 31 year old!!!! You know birthdays always make me feel some kinda way - 2013, 2014. Getting older tends to make me feel antsy. 


BUT My 30th year goal was to be in love with my life, every minute of it, and I think I'm finally starting to get a grip on that. I'm slowly learning at the ripe old age of 367 months old how to celebrate the life that I have TODAY and not worry about the one I thought I was missing out on.

I say that I feel like I'm on the edge of change for a lot of reasons. Talks of engagement, marriage, babies, traveling more for work, future life plans and lots of big girl things are happening these days. All of which are HUGE life changes, well worth celebrating. I'd be a lying dog if I told you I wasn't tickled pink with how things are going right now. I'm in such a strong place emotionally, for the first time probably since Skye and I broke up back in 2012. Being in a good place emotionally doesn't mean that I have it all together or that I don't cry when I have PMS. But it does mean I am better equipped for handling the challenges that inevitably come my way. The death of my mama back in April taught me so much about my emotional state and my ROCK that is my relationship with God. He has offered me a fresh start at everything. Not without struggle, and not with the promise of no future struggles, but with the faithful TRUTH that He will sustain all struggles. It's taken some time to cleanse my heart of hateful things and  to learn the glory of true grace. I hope I never stop learning this lesson and never stop extending it to others because it's been radically life changing for me. I'm not perfect at it, (not even close) but the Lord has brought my heart such a long way in these past three years. It just feels good to feel at peace with where I am. I'm thankful beyond words!

So what means the world to me? Loving my life fully. Being surrounded by people who love me and support me. Embracing changes when they come. Getting on my knees to thank God for His blessings - in good times and bad. Celebrating what I have and who I am. Grace, grace & more grace.

When Life Happens

I have been swirling words around in my brain for many days now, trying to figure out the right ones to say when I sat down to write this post. But I finally realized that the words don't have to be "right", they just have to be true. The truth is, life happens and sometimes it can really kick us in the pants.

 

My family is smack dab in the middle of a swift kick in the pants that we are still desperately trying to catch our breath from. One week ago today, my mama passed away. I've talked about her in varying degrees on the blog before - and probably said some pretty raw things about our relationship. Long story short, she was fighting an almost 3 year long battle with lung cancer and within the past year was diagnosed with leukemia also. Within a two week time frame, her health quickly declined and she found herself in the ICU facing double pneumonia. This is essentially a waiting game for stage 4 small cell lung cancer patients in her condition. So we waited. For a week and a half we watched her struggle and fight, and I do mean FIGHT, for every single breath that she was able to take. It's an excruciating  kind of pain to watch someone who gave you life literally fighting for their own. In the end, she lost her battle with cancer but she is finally at peace.

 

This has always been one of my favorite pictures of my mama.
This is from her baby shower, when she was a baby herself at 21 pregnant with me.

My mama was 51 years old. That doesn't seem near old enough for me to be 30 years old and only have one parent left. One of the worst parts for me has been watching my 3 younger brothers (25, 17 & 16 year olds) struggle with their emotions and for the younger ones to feel like it's just not fair. Really, it's not fair. I've felt the pain of life - a broken heart, the loss of a family member, the punch in the gut feeling when the rug is pulled out from under your feet. As someone who has overcome struggles before, I know that we are not promised a fair life. We are only promised that we do not have to face the struggles alone. “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

 

God's peace has been nothing short of miraculous for me during this difficult time. It's difficult to understand how I could even begin to feel the tiniest glimmer of hope while I was watching my mother die. It's unexplainable really. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 I prayed day and night that God would give me peace and comfort my family. I asked others to pray for the same. And that's exactly what God did. He gave us the ability to comprehend the fact that she is no longer suffering. I like to think she is doing cartwheels in Heaven and enjoying every single breath!

 

That doesn't mean it doesn't feel sad or hard sometimes, but at the end of the day we have hope. Hope is EVERYTHING! As tumultuous of a relationship as my mom and I had at times, she was still the only mom I'll ever have. She was the one chosen to bring me into this world, and her impact on my life has a huge impact on my story. Tough days will come, when I am overcome with tears, emotions and grief. But hope will always linger. Hope is a gift and I am so thankful for it in these moments when it doesn't always come easy. “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:5

 

People have remarked to me lately about "how strong I am". I appreciate a good compliment just as much as the next girl, but I've got to be honest and say I'm really not strong. Right after I went through my broken engagement a few years ago, I remember all I wanted was to be seen as strong. The past three years have taught me A LOT about what being strong actually means. Being strong for me these days means not taking pride in my own strength, but admitting where I am weak and letting God fill in His strong. I don't know how I ever navigated this crazy life without Him leading me! The days can still feel hard, but I find when I lean on Him it becomes easier. The light at the end of the tunnel becomes visible. I know it's all part of a greater plan. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

 

I have learned in a very real way through this experience that even when circumstances are bad, God is still SO good. I have been scared of what the future holds for me now, and how I will be able to cope. But I rest assured that God has prepared my faith for those days. He has placed an amazing network of people around me who care for me and who I can be real with it when I need to be. He has held true on His promise to be right in the thick of things with me. I am beyond grateful for the 30 years I had with my mama! She taught me some really hard knock life lessons. I know that she is with my brothers and I until we take our last breaths here on this Earth. I trust that God still has big things planned for me here. He can use this broken old heart in ways that I would never be able to imagine possible. And the best part is, one day I will be right there with her in Heaven doing cartwheels and singing the praises of our faithful God.

 

*For those of you who are friends with me in real life, or on social media, thank you for the kind words and prayers for my family! We read so many of them together out loud and they helped us power through some pretty tough moments. They were much needed and very appreciated!

 

Lent Update

Here we are, almost a month into the season of Lent - so about halfway through. I just wanted to share an update of what has transpired since I wrote my "Enter the Season of Lent" post on February 19th. I said in that post that Lent has taken on a new meaning for me this year. I'm learning more about what the history of what it means to me as a follower of Christ, and the miracle that we celebrate during this time. There is incredible power in this season!

 

These were my exact words about what I wanted to give up this Lent  (from the previous Lent post): "So this year for Lent, I want to give up serving myself and all the fears and doubts that go along with that. Lent is ALL ABOUT recognizing our sins and turning away from them, in order to kneel down at the cross. It's about intentional prayer, intentional steps to avoid distractions and just revel in the beauty that is our walk with God. That means diving into my "messy" and revealing the parts of me that cry out to be healed. It's much harder than giving up Diet Coke or social media, but I know it's something that I must do. I want to slow my pace, obey the Lord and I will wait expectantly for him to rekindle that fire in the my soul."

 

We can all agree that it's pretty awesome how God works, right? Literally leaves me in awe. Maybe you don't know God and so you cannot right now recognize all the ways that He is working around you, in you, through you, but friends TRUST me when I say that it's a mind blowing concept! I say that because I begged God to turn me inside out and reveal to me the areas where my sin was overwhelming my good intentions. And I have found that when I beg the Lord for things that He can use to draw my heart closer to His, He surely does it.

 

Being a Christian does not exclude you from sad times or bad days. When I wrote that first post a month ago, my heart felt heavy heavy heavy. Initially giving up serving myself sounded hard. The actual act of readjusting my thoughts and actions to try and do so has been even harder! It's embarrassing how easy and natural it is for me to act selfishly. But I have become much more aware of these actions and have definitely been wrestling the convictions that come along with that - which is progress. Turning away from serving yourself and into serving the Lord with all your heart is really a process. It doesn't happen over night and it requires massive amounts of patience. Remember, Lent is a messy season because we are messy people. It's about dealing with our messes.

Over the past month, none of my life circumstances have changed. I'm still single, my job still feels stressful, I'm still paying the same old bills with the same amount of paycheck, my family is still certifiably insane, same old things - but I am being shown that God will always be bigger than any of my life circumstances. Always.

The struggle with true repentance can be difficult. Truths revealed to you about yourself can be heartbreaking to accept. Shameful, even. But that feeling of shame is not what God wants for us. He offers us grace. A powerful, overwhelming, all encompassing, freedom from sin and shame. He knew all along that we would struggle - because we are human. Yet when we do he does not aim to condemn us, but picks us right back up and reassures us that nothing can separate us from his love.

My point here is not to lead you to She Reads Truth or to preach to you. My point is I literally cannot help but sing the Lord's praises after all that he has done for me and all the ways that he continues to change my heart. I read my old posts on here from a 3 years ago when my life was in a totally different place, my heart was far from God, and I can see the HUGE ways he has changed my life. I'm living proof of the redeeming power of the gospel. And if my life can be changed, then I promise yours can too. None of us are ever too far gone for grace. You don't have to clean yourself up for God. You don't have to do anything but have faith.

Here are some truths that I feel the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me this Lent season. We have been singing this song at church lately called "Unstoppable Love" by Jesus Culture and it is EVERYTHING. Listen to the words. Makes me tear up every time.


From Day 22 of the SRT Lent Study:
"The consequences of my sin are devastating, but more devastating still is my lack of repentance. Lack of repentance breeds shame, and shame whispers lies in my ear. Shame tells me I can’t be forgiven. Shame tells me I’m not worth forgiving. But the Cross tells a different story—the true story."

These verses have comforted me a lot in the past week, and they come from the She Reads Truth Lent Study (Day 23):
 

 Psalm 32:8-11 NLT

8 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.

I will advise you and watch over you.

9 Do not be like a senseless horse or mule

that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”

10 Many sorrows come to the wicked,

but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.

11 So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him!

Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!

 

The more I begin to fully come to recognize God for who he truly is, and not just who I have thought him to be, the more I fall in love with him. The more I feel the depth of his love for me, the harder it becomes for me to keep my mouth shut about him.

Anybody else experiencing God's love this Lent season?? TELL ME ABOUT IT!!

Enter the Season of Lent

I am a sinner. Every single day of my life, I am a sinner. Some days I actually physically feel the weight of my sins more than others. Do you know what I mean? Some days my bad choices, my selfish actions and my hateful words can really haunt me. These are the days when I should really offer myself grace. I'm an imperfect person in an imperfect world so of course I fall short. We all do. I tell myself that we all have these days. (These are also the days when that grace can feel pretty far from reach, if I'm being honest.)

 

I was supposed to have an amazingly romantic Valentine's Day last week with the most perfect boyfriend. Instead I spent that day alone, watching Bridesmaids and feeling like I never should have broken up with him two weeks before VDay. I was supposed to be traveling on my way to a Bethel Worship Night yesterday in Birmingham, but due to the snow and icy weather conditions here we had to make the decision not to go. I am pissed off about it. I felt like I needed that trip, the community with the people I was going with, the presence of the Holy Spirit, the pick-me-up - all of it. Tension in my family is at an all time high right now. The consequences of my mom & stepbrothers' actions have been really affecting me and I'm just fed up with it.

I've found myself complaining a lot. I've spent about a week solid being pissed off, only with each passing day my anger is growing. I'm mad about how things have gone down with my now ex-boyfriend. I'm pissed off that I still want to be with him and I'm mad at myself for all the back and forth that I have put him through. I broke up with him, why am I so torn up about this? I hate that us not talking makes me feel like he could care less. I'm not in control of this situation. I'm disgusted with my mom. And how in her typical fashion, she finds a way to end up mad at me over the consequences of her actions. I'm not in control of her actions. I'm heartbroken that I feel like I needed this trip for a worship night so badly and it gets cancelled. I'm not in control of the weather. I feel like I'm nearing the end of my rope. Discontent is weighing down my heart.

Enter the season of Lent.
I'm not sure your experience with Lent; my own personal experience has actually been pretty shallow. Until the maybe 3 years ago, I had heard of Lent, but never had a personal connection with it. Heck, I really didn't even know what all it signified in Christian culture. I've never even participated in giving up anything for the season. Last year I did the 40 day Overcome the Lie prayer challenge, which did include giving up something we felt had a hold on us for that time period. It wasn't exactly aligned with Lent though (it started on Feb 1) so I'm still going with the fact that I haven't actively participated.

Yesterday I found this article. Divine timing indeed.

"But this is a messy season. It’s much like our lives. Over time, our hearts and souls, when left unattended, get messy. Lent invites us to deal with the mess. This is not about quickly cleaning things up and pretending they were never there, nor is it about ignoring the mess. Lent invites to roll up our sleeves and sort through the debris of our lives.

We are confronted with our mess, and so on our foreheads we rub a little dirt reminding ourselves that just as Eden has gone to ashes, so, one day, we will too.

This is what Lent does. It allows us to see the parts of ourselves we’d rather leave covered up. It asks us to drag our full self into the light of day no matter how dark it may be. As we near the end of Lent, we encounter Good Friday. For centuries, the people of God mark this day by participating in the Stations of the Cross remembering the trial and crucifixion of Jesus."

Like a slap in the face, I tell ya. A much needed, slap in the face at that. My life feels flat out messy right now. The most comforting truth, for me, is that I am the daughter of a Savior who wants my whole entire heart. The ugly parts, the hurting parts, the doubtful parts, even the prideful parts and especially the parts that are begging for his grace. 

I'm also doing the She Reads Truth Lent Study (started yesterday so you have plenty of time to jump in on this one).  

Joel 2:12-13 (ESV)
Return to the Lord

¹² “Yet even now,” declares the Lord,
    “return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
¹³     and rend your hearts and not your garments.”
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
    and he relents over disaster.

 "Much to my dismay, the call to return to God is not written alongside a long list of to-do’s, an attainable checklist so I can feel sure I’m returning correctly. No, there is just one qualification—to return with all my heart. Evidently the cleaned up, feel-good part of my heart is not all God is looking for. He doesn’t want only the parts of my heart I’m willing to let others see—He wants the whole messy, confused, narcissistic, achy thing. 

So, to recap: You and I and our whole unholy selves are called to turn fully, openly, and sans-covering to the holy, almighty God of all the universe.

[Insert deep breath here.]

It’s no wonder we try to come to Him with layers of lies and pride and every other self-preservation instinct intact. It makes sense, right? Except it doesn’t… because Jesus."

Today's message was clearly written for me, don't you think? I wrote this blog post yesterday afternoon in tears of frustration, not knowing how to clean up my own heart. This morning I am offered these words of hope. I cannot fix my heart. The Lord will heal and restore me. "YET EVEN NOW..." Even after I've served my self first and allowed discontent to settle in,  EVEN NOW God pursues ALL of my heart with steadfast love.

 

 

Man, I am beyond words thankful for people who keep it real!! For people who pour out their hearts and confess their fears and inadequacies. Because honestly, we all have them. We all battle with similar demons. I adore the tender moments when I allow myself to feel fully known and surrender my own struggles. There's healing in this process. The Lord continually draws me near to Him and there is no place I would rather be.

So this year for Lent, I want to give up serving myself and all the fears and doubts that go along with that. Lent is ALL ABOUT recognizing our sins and turning away from them, in order to kneel down at the cross. It's about intentional prayer, intentional steps to avoid distractions and just revel in the beauty that is our walk with God. That means diving into my "messy" and revealing the parts of me that cry out to be healed. It's much harder than giving up Diet Coke or social media, but I know it's something that I must do. I want to slow my pace, obey the Lord and I will wait expectantly for him to rekindle that fire in the my soul.

Something extra - I know I said this yesterday, but this song is REALLY speaking to me lately. Take a listen to the words.

  

believe: Jan Update

Here we are a little over a month into 2015 already. I remember being 10 years old and "older" people telling me how quickly it goes by as you grow up. They sure weren't kidding. I feel like a 90 year old lady even saying that, but it's true. I have high hopes for this year, including embracing my 2015 word: believe. However, one month down and looking back I'm not feeling so great about my momentum. I'm still choosing fear over faith.

 

I've been struggling quite a bit lately with fear. My tiny fears have somehow managed to snowball into these anxiety ridden roadblocks that prevent me from believing in God's promises for me. I have been looking backwards, going through the motions, trying to do too much, and misplacing where I've tried to anchor myself. As someone who so desperately wants to live every second of my life for God, it's really hard to know what to do with myself during these times. I am all about that self condemnation life. So you know what I have done? I have pushed Him aside. I have backed down from the belief that the Lord will tackle my fears. I have become complacent and disconnected.

 

We are in a series at church right now about listening to the Holy Spirit, even during the insanely busy times. I have spent a large portion of the past two days trying to BE STILL and listen to what the Holy Spirit tells me. Wishing for a glaring sign that I didn't feel would actually come. Trying to quiet my busy mind and listen for any whisper of hope. (Let me just tell you it's not an easy thing to quiet this mind!)

 

Then last night finally a breakthrough! Praise the Lord! Really long story short, during a 2 hour prayer night with a group I'm involved with at church the Holy Spirit gave me Psalm 37:3-7 to reflect on. We have all heard these verses a hundred times, but it was everything and exactly what I needed to be reminded of in that moment.

 

Psalm 37:3-7 "Trust in the Lord and do good. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him and he will help you. v.7 Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for him to act."

 

Honestly, I hadn't been doing any of that. My lack of trust the past couple of weeks is embarrassing for me to admit. I haven't been able to delight in Him because I've been so focused on my worries. I definitely haven't been committing everything I do to Him. And the last thing I have done is to be still or patient ... quite the opposite actually. So randomly finding these verses last night felt like I was reading them for the first time, and everything was clicking. Only it wasn't random at all. Sounds hokey, I know, but there is nothing like that feeling. I immediately was brought to tears and felt the presence of the Lord drawing me back to Him. It felt like a hug with wide open arms, I might add. No condemnation for straying, only immeasurable grace.

 

So what does that look like today and moving forward?

 

My God > my flesh

                  my failures

                 my fears

                 my future plans for myself

                 my fickle heart

 

My God = FREEDOM

 

Today I do feel like my load is lighter. Some of the circumstances of my life are sad currently, but I have the utmost belief that my God is greater than any of that. I broke up with the boyfriend, and as much as that makes my heart ache right now I do have a peace about it that I've never had in the past. He's so amazing and I selfishly don't want to not have him in my life, but I know God will work it out for us both. My family is experiencing a tough time right now too, but I know God has plans for this struggle. 

 

My faith has come so far, I cannot help but praise the Lord for all the ways He has changed my heart and continues to grow me. I think moving forward looks like me embracing the Holy Spirit, God's Word, His heart, His love and resting in those truths.

 



Source



Also, I'm doing the Love God Greatly study on Community right now. Moving forward means being active in growing my "Community" and leaning in to be supported & to support others. How can I help support you with the season you're in right now? Let's lift each other up in prayer!

 

 

XOXO

 

 

The Year I Believe

HAPPY NEW YEAR FRIENDS!! I have always loved New Years! I'm a goofy, cliché, easy motivated person so it's easy for me to buy into the new year hype. I love everything about a fresh start. Even if it means one in the middle of March or July, and no where near the date of January 1st. I've learned that I require more than one fresh start each year. Which is an important lesson because it helps me not be so hard on myself when I feel the need to revamp my perspective on life. Basically, it's going to happen!

It's funny to look back now on posts from this time last year and be able to clearly see how much I've grown. My goal for 2014 was to become BETTER - in all aspects of the word. I would give myself a solid 7 out of 10 on becoming better last year. (pats self on the back encouragingly) In some ways, I excelled and in other ways I shied away from change and instead preferred to stay within my comfort zone. But growth can still come from even being able to recognize that. I am, overall, a much better version of myself than I was in January 2014.

2015 is different though. Feels different. I probably say that every year, but in a way it's true. 2013 was a year of mending and healing broken pieces. 2014 was about growth and finding myself. For 2015, I want to annihilate my comfort zones, all of them. If you ask what that means, I'm not really sure I can wrap it up nice and neat for you right here and now on January 2nd. You know I'll keep you posted as the year progresses. In my head what that looks like is taking more risks, saying yes to things, pushing myself and having a wide open mind and heart.

Source

I have a few ideas on how I can make these things happen. I want to react gracefully. I want to be happy with my body again, which means working my butt off to get back in shape. I want to love boldly. I want to cultivate meaningful relationships. I want to be aware of people in my life who need comfort. I want to fall deeper in love with God's Word. I want to be more organized, self disciplined and intentional. I want to write more, read more, sing louder. I want to travel somewhere new. I want to be filled with confident expectations about the things God has planned for this year. I want to believe bigger.

BELIEVE -
: to accept or regard (something) as true
: to accept the truth of what is said by (someone)

: to have (a specified opinion)

 

I think my 2015 word will be BELIEVE. Weird choice, I know. Leave it up to me to pick something strange.  I want to believe anything is possible. And I know with God, the impossible things become possible. If that's the only thing I believe in 2015, then that's fine by me. I am crazy excited to see the seemingly "impossible" things that I can tackle this year. Here's to a year full of believing!