Here I am, again, in this place where I have SO MUCH to say but can't find the right words. More accurately, I'm scared to speak the truth of the words that I'm feeling. I'm afraid of judgment, afraid that saying things out loud makes them real, and anxiously awaiting something amazing to happen so that I can fill my posts with that instead.
I feel myself sliding into a valley. Not a spiritual valley necessarily (thank the Lord), more like a life valley. One of those times when things are just "ehhhh" and that's honestly about the best way to describe them. Life feels a little bit messy right now. Work, family, relationships - all of it, presents me with more complicated days than easy ones.
My go-to girl Hannah Brencher apparently feels my vibe and wrote this post JUST FOR ME. I mean, come on! You know how much I love her, and her words always seem to speak truth into my given situation. Spot on. Thank you Jesus for HB and her connection to my soul!
If I'm being honest, my current valley probably has so much to do with my breakup. The boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. I'm not sure I can adequately describe to you the journey our relationship traveled since last March when we went on our first date. Roller coaster would be pretty close to a perfect term to use. I want so badly to believe that it was just a timing issue. I feel like we are such a great pairing on paper, but something was holding me back from riding it out to see how the story ended. I prayed...and prayed...and prayed some more but I never received that crystal clear answer that I wanted from God. Just that consistent feeling of hesitancy. I know that not all relationships are made to last, but I wanted this one to. I just don't know how much more back and forth either one of us could have handled. I have no choice but to put all my hope in the fact that if God wants to bring us back together, then He will control the path that leads us there. So there's that.
The holidays, in the past couple of years especially, have been a time of struggle for me. I can't tell you how incredibly overwhelmed I was at the thought of having to spend the holidays with my boyfriend's family. I could cry just thinking about it even still. Can we say ISSUES?? Something about all the family time and celebrations makes me feel like an outsider. I can't survive a family get together of my own without crying, resorting to drinking or daydreaming of stabbing someone (usually my mother). Loneliness is constantly lurking in the back of my mind telling me to compare my situation to everyone else's. I'm sure that's at least part of why I want my own family so urgently - to have that comfort of being an actual part of something. God has rescued me from these feelings of self pity so many times, and yet here I am entertaining the idea of them again. It's ridiculous.
I want to live a lifestyle of thanksgiving and praise God greatly for all that He has given me. I'm doing this awesome She Reads Truth bible study right now that's all about thanksgiving (the action of it, not the holiday). The other day Give Thanks in Suffering hit the nail on the head for me. I beg you to read this if you are going through any kind of suffering right now. Because I promise you, there's no way you can read these biblical truths and not feel beyond thankful to a Savior that offers HOPE. It offered me a much needed reminder that: This isn't all that there is. Our story goes on. Life gets better. God has BIGGER & BETTER things planned for you and I!
"Sisters, it’s okay to be sad. But we know Jesus who died for us in love and rose again in love, so that all that is broken can be redeemed, so that in the midst of terrible pain we can know this isn’t all there is.
Our hope is never in vain when it’s in Jesus. Our thanksgiving in times of suffering is a testament to how temporary the pain is in light of our great eternal joy and our everlasting hope."
“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”- Romans 5:5
This Thanksgiving (as in the actual holiday this time), I will be surrounded by amazing friends who love me unconditionally. I might be single again, but I am not alone. I will have a full belly, a warm house, and money to go Black Friday shopping. I am thankful for this valley, and all that it will bring. I cannot imagine a better place to be than here, where God draws me close to Him and covers me with his love. What more do I need?? My heart will overflow with praise for the Lord for all the blessings I do not deserve. I will wait expectantly and hope for a season of life that comes with a view from a mountaintop instead of a valley.
(PS - this is a great one too, Giving Thanks In Sorrow). "When you think you’ll never again be able to sing a song of thanksgiving, try it anyway. Our hearts may not be comfortable praising tragedy, loss, or bad days, but our hearts were created to praise the Hope of Glory."
(PS - this is a great one too, Giving Thanks In Sorrow). "When you think you’ll never again be able to sing a song of thanksgiving, try it anyway. Our hearts may not be comfortable praising tragedy, loss, or bad days, but our hearts were created to praise the Hope of Glory."
Happy Thanksgiving friends! I'm thankful for the friendships I still have from blogging, and for all the support you give me when I whine :) XOXO
13 comments:
Oh friend. Your honesty blows me away. And I understand the fear of judgement of speaking what's really inside your head--but know that you can. And know that the people who come here to hang out with you regularly know you and understand your heart. I will tell you this--it's like a "grass seems greener" situation. I am on the "inside" of something. But it looks different for everybody. And sometimes it's not aways as blissful as it might seem (as you well know). The holidays, I think, make everyone feel like an outsider. Even sometimes in my own home. I've been with J almost my entire life and even still around his family I feel like I don't belong--as if things would be easier if we just didn't bother with his family at all. It's hard for everyone--you are not alone, I promise you. I'm here, friend, if you ever just need to work through the jumbles in your head. Love you.
Wow, sweet friend, just wow. I'm so sorry about your breakup. No matter what, they are never easy. I've been in your position and sometimes the confusion is God allowing us time to figure it out for ourselves. We know that hesitancy is not what you want in a relationship, so you did the right thing as hard as it was. Especially before the holidays.
Thank you so much for sharing this post. I had a melt down on Friday and posted about it yesterday. It's hard not to freak out when life is hard and not lash out at God. But then we remember, we must rejoice in what we have and that He is there for us, no matter what. Jesus took our suffering without doing anything wrong, so God will be there in our valleys, as well as our peaks.
Thanks for being amazing! I'm wishing you a fabulous Thanksgiving!!
Sorry to hear about your breakup, they are never easy. The holidays can be really hard just try to enjoy the ones you love and surround yourself with those that make you comfortable.
And this is why I miss your blog sooo much!!! You speak such truth and honesty and it radiates amazingness
Girl this post spoke to me so much. I'm currently going through something similar. I wish we lived closer. I've chosen to isolate my self because I don't want to bring my sad on to my friends a s family. Happy thanksgiving!
Happy thanksgiving gorgeous. Sorry to hear about your break up. Stay positive.
I love she reads truth!
sending a zillion good thoughts and love your way. so sorry to hear about your break up. you're an amazing woman and you already know this, but god will bring you his match for you, in his time. and it may be this guy OR it may be someone 10x more perfect and more of a match on paper for you! :)
So sorry about the break up. Sending positive vibes in your direction.
Hey Sweets! I'm late reading this, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I was recently talking with one of my friends who got a divorce after a very short marriage. She said she was jealous of me and my family etc and I said, you know I'm pretty lucky but it's hard hard work and I'm jealous of the freedom you have, too. It's amazing how the grass is always greener, but like the other saying goes "the grass is really greener where you water it".
Stand in enjoyment of your life right now as it is even when it's hard and you're anxious in scared. Trust that God has great plans for you!
Love you. And praying for you. And fully understanding that ache.
As a matter of fact, can I just pray for you right now? Okay cool.
Dear Jesus, please bless my sweet sister Nikki. I pray that you lead her, with eyes straight focused on You, into ALL that you have for her. I pray that you bring GOOD things into her life, Jesus. I pray that you bring that family that she longs for into her life, whether it's through restoration, or the addition of a new sweet family. I just pray that you bless her little socks off. Amen!
<3
You are incredible and I admire you so much. You share so honestly and share parts of yourself that others don't have the courage to do, including myself. I just want to send you some encouragement that all things will work for your good. God is on your side.
Also, if the relationship didn't work and you prayed, and prayed and prayed and did not get a clear answer (meaning yes) from God, that means that you did get you answer.
I love your sweet heart. I know this post is old but I'm glad I read it today. I relate so much to your "deeper" posts so much. Love you!
Timing really is a factor of relationships, but based on my experience...if you aren't sure if a relationship is right...then it's not. Will and I weren't perfect and we fought a LOT in the beginning when we were two people not ready to become one, but through it all- I KNEW somehow he was the one. You will have the 'one' one day!!
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