Monday, September 19, 2016

On Becoming a New Mommy...

I need to word vomit, and ramble and maybe cry? Not sure about the crying - some days yes, some days no. (HORMONES!) I just need a steady stream of consciousness with how I feel - good, bad and ugly 3rd trimester edition.

Pretty sure I also just a little bit need some reassurance and someone to tell me to CHILL!! Probably that more than anything else.

But first, here's a glance at how much my baby boy has grown in the past 10 weeks! Only 10 more to go!!! I cannot believe how fast the time has flown by.
holy baby bump!
Don't say I didn't warn you...

As a soon-to-be new mommy, I am reading what feels like hundreds of articles and tidbits of information daily. There is so much information related to pregnancy and children to digest, in a very small amount of time! It can certainly feel overwhelming. (Much like being pregnant itself can feel overwhelming at times.) Every single day of this journey, I have felt thankful for this gift of my child. That being said, as we get closer to the due date of my little man I do feel anxious. The fear of the unknown is very real.
When I was in my younger-mid 20's, I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids. Maybe it was who I was dating at the time and their agenda that I had adopted, but regardless I often said out loud that I wasn't really sure about the whole having kids thing.
At the age of 31 and pregnant with my first child, I would give anything to go back to being in my 20's to get this party started. However, as my husband likes to remind me, if I had started then it wouldn't have been with him and this whole story would end up looking totally different. Good point! I have to remind myself (quite a bit some days) that everything is happening exactly the way that God intended for everything to happen. More specifically, that God has already written every single day of my baby boy's life and the best part about that is? He chose ME to be Cameron's mom. He knows I can do this and I'm the only person who has what it takes to be my child's mother.

It's hard for me to fathom that I was once the girl who said she didn't want kids. Or even the fact that I was lukewarm to the idea of it all. Oh how time can change us! These days I am more than mildly obsessed with this little boy growing in my belly. My every thought revolves around him, and my time is spent trying to savor each little kick as he navigates around inside my belly. I could literally sit for hours and watch/feel him move, or watch my husband and stepdaughter talk to him or feel him move in response to them. He just has no idea how loved he is already!!

Sure, a baby changes things. Actually, a baby changes absolutely everything. It's probably going to rock my world. I think no amount of preparation could ever get us ready for his arrival. No amount of me thinking, "HOLY $HIT CAN I REALLY DO THIS?" is going to make feel more ready.

One thought lingering around my mind these days is can I really mother without my mother? I know that I am not the first person in the world to experience the birth of their first child without their mother. But sometimes that is really heavy on my heart. We take each day without my mom and we navigate what the day brings us. The milestones are hard. Planning your wedding to a man your mother never met is hard. Revealing your pregnancy to your family and remembering how much my mom wanted to have grandkids is hard. I do know for a 100% a fact that if my mom was still here, she would be driving me absolutely crazy. (Sorry mom, but you know It's the truth!) Even though she was a flawed parent (aren't we all?), my mom had 4 kids and I know I would be able to count on her right now. To talk me through things, to ease my fears, to be another family member to deeply love my child.  I think a lot of it has to do with the feelings of overwhelming love that I'm feeling and will forever feel for Cameron, as my first born child. I was my mom's first born child and she always told me how special that was - that, and the fact that I was her only girl. I wish so badly I could just talk to her right now and unload all these feelings. I know she would have a way of putting me at ease.

People tell me it's "normal" to feel the things I feel. However "normal" it can be to feel the absolute most excited, yet completely terrified about something at the very same time...

I need to step back, take a DEEEEEP breath and focus on the things I can control. My attitude, my responses to others, my actions. I am in love with growing this baby inside of my body. It's truly mind blowing and the absolute biggest blessing in this life. I do not want to take a single day for granted that I get to carry this baby and the sheer fact I am growing him in my body. It's such a miracle! I am blessed with a healthy, happy pregnancy. Sure, there are days when I feel like screaming WTF at my body or feel overwhelmed, but that's life. I've remained healthy, and my baby is healthy and growing. I can't even put into words how thankful I am for my husband. I know I've probably taken him for granted a lot lately, but he's been wonderful. Bless his heart for having to deal with me!! I choose to remain grateful in the face of fear. I have so much to be thankful for, and that's where my focus needs to be. I am guilty of letting negativity creep into my mind and control my thoughts.

Hopefully when Satan decides to quit breathing his hot summer air around me, I'll feel much better. Being 7 1/2 months pregnant in the summer is for the birds!!!!!!!! HA! I need to look into yoga or meditation. As thankful as I am for carrying this child, he sure does love to hang out right under my ribs and it hurts like crazy! Love you Cameron, but I need you to reposition yourself.

I told y'all - I'm crazy right now!!



Jen @ South in the City said...

I can't relate on the baby, but oh how I can in relation to wanting your mom around for these milestones!!! Thinking of you always girl!! xoxo

Ashley @ said...

Looking great girl! I was slightly opposite - I definitely wanted kids for as long as I can remember, but I too wish I'd had them slightly younger just due to your body recuperating more quickly (and having more natural energy!).

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

Guuuurlllll... I can't imagine being pregnant in summer! I can barely stand this heat without being pregnant! you got this! :D

Faith said...

It's such a big life change to go without your mom but I do believe that she is watching and helping you get through the days where you feel the most uncertain. Sometimes little signs happen and it is hard to believe that they're totally gone. You got this!

Katie said...

Oh this post had me in all kinds of hormonal emotions. The love a momma has for her baby is absolutely insane. I still stare at Nathan in complete awe that he is MINE. He was created by two people that love him more than anyone else ever will and he is ours forever!

This right here GOT me...."More specifically, that God has already written every single day of my baby boy's life and the best part about that is? He chose ME to be Cameron's mom. He knows I can do this and I'm the only person who has what it takes to be my child's mother."