Well I know everybody wants to know what the deal is with me and the so called future boyfriend that I mentioned about a month ago. It is with some sadness that I report back to you with news of our "breakup". He is a fantastic man. He goes to church on Sundays (he even came with me to my church), he's so good looking, we have so much in common, but I had to break it off with him. I've re-written this post probably 100x in the past week or so, because honestly there's just not an easy way to say why. And let me just be clear and say it definitely was NOT what I wanted to do.
I know this might sound crazy to some people, the reason I ended it was because he wasn't at a point of being able to be the spiritual leader in our relationship. This is a new concept to me too - considering I've never been in a relationship where we put God first. It's not easy. And men who love God on more than just a go to church on Sundays kind of way, are hard to find. (They do exist though). But this is an area where I can't settle. I've gotten so many mixed responses from people in my life who just don't understand. "Why can't you be a catalyst to help him grow closer to God?" has been a common response when I tell people this situation. And I get that, I really truly do. I love talking with people about my story and my faith and all the truly incredible ways God has worked through me and changed me. But as far as being in a serious relationship with someone, where we are looking to settle down, raise kids and navigate life together - I just know that God has a different plan for me. I know that he has someone for me who is completely ready and willing to play the role of a spiritual leader, and someone who is truly a Godly man.
That's not an easy conversation to have with someone. And honestly I felt judgey towards him. I understand the point that he's at, because I've been there. I can't do work on his heart that the Holy Spirit is only able to do. It's a difficult crossroads to be faced with a decision that I don't personally want to execute. I TOTALLY wanted to date him, but I continued to feel convicted and felt like I needed to really pray about my decision to make things official. And ladies, let me just tell you that when you REALLY get serious about praying over a relationship and asking God to show you His way - you better mean it. Over a period of about 2 weeks, I was blown away by how God answered my prayers. Pretty much daily during that time period, I was given my answer. And each day it still wasn't the answer I wanted. I was reminded about God's perfect timing for my life, about trusting in Him, about the type of man that He wants for me. There was no way for me to deny the feedback I was receiving.
It seems silly to even say it out loud. But I stand firm on the fact that my relationship with God is number one in my life. And if I am going to say I want to try to live like Jesus then I really need to be intentional about doing that. If I'm dating a guy who doesn't have the same priorities as me, and who isn't as invested in his faith as I am, then eventually it would wear on me or on our relationship. "Future boyfriend" and I discussed the future a lot in our breakup chat(s) - we had to have two of them because it was a little difficult - and it could very well be God's will to bring us back together again. But in this moment, we both recognize that things just aren't the way they need to be.
It reminded me that dating can be tough - especially when you are genuine about trying to find a life partner. I'm not looking to hook up with a guy, or date him for a couple months until somebody better comes along - I am so through with all of those things that could never begin to fulfill my heart. Being single has been a little bit of a roller coaster for me. Some days I hate it and I don't feel good enough, but some days I love the freedom. Mostly, I know that I was meant to have this season in my life. If I had gone through with marrying a man who didn't love God last year, then who knows where I would be right now. Probably not where I am. And if God wants me to be single a little bit longer - to prepare me, to help others, to share my story - then I'll gladly do it.
|Lauren DeMoss @ thefulltimegirl is an awesome resource for single women who seek Jesus|