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Monday, November 23, 2015

Let's Talk Life

Almost four long months have gone by without even so much of a hint of a blog post...
That might be a new record for radio silence around here.

Have no fear, friends, I'm still alive and well! I have missed my blog and my bloggy friends, but I haven't really felt inspired to write about much lately. A million things have happened in my world that have caused me to draft a post, but the words just never seemed to come out right to match how I felt. I hate that too because blogging has always been such a positive outlet for me. I thought I would just try again today. I need a release!

Life always hit me the hardest around the holidays. The past three holidays seasons have been especially hard for me. I've been in a place of trying to heal a broken heart for a while now. And while I do feel like I'm finally healed up from that breakup 3 Novembers ago, the holiday season just always triggers this major anxiety within my heart. I should be excited because it will be my first holiday season with my boyfriend. We have been dating for 7 months now (CRAZY, right??) and there's so much to celebrate there, but sadly I think we are not going to end up together for Thanksgiving and it's really bothering me. I'm feeling Debbie Downer-ish. There are so many reasons why. My family is messy - both sides of it. I don't really feel like I belong within my biological family, for the most part. That's really hard to say - even harder to feel, but it's true. I have always searched for a "family" to adopt me outside of the people who are blood related to me. I have always imagined marrying a guy whose family just takes me in and never makes me feel like an outsider. I desire that so much!

This will be my family's first holiday season without my mom. Some days that makes me feel sad, some days it makes me feel numb, but most days it just makes me feel anxious about how it will be. Last Thanksgiving, I struggled internally with whether or not to even participate in my family's Thanksgiving get together. I ended up going for maybe an hour and it was a complete disaster. My mom had just finished a round of chemo and she was so skinny and sickly. But she was also hurting and not dealing with everything well so she was drinking heavily to mask her pain. She was hammered drunk when I got there and things just went downhill from there. It was a painful time. The holidays are typically a time reserved for celebrating time spent with your family, and it's honestly just a harsh reminder for me that I don't have that. The negatives are weighing me down.

I looked back to my post last year for Thanksgiving, and now I'm sitting here crying as I read these words again this year:
(PS - this is a great one too, Giving Thanks In Sorrow). "When you think you’ll never again be able to sing a song of thanksgiving, try it anyway. Our hearts may not be comfortable praising tragedy, loss, or bad days, but our hearts were created to praise the Hope of Glory."

I am reminded that hope is never in vain. Even when it feels useless, it's not. Even if you have to tell yourself that every second of the day just to make it through. Hope in Jesus is always the only way to survive anything. I might be struggling with the heaviness in my heart right now, but hope is the only way to overcome. I truly believe that! When I focus on the family situation I currently have, the family I want, or the shortcomings with either - I am completely heartbroken. I become overwhelmed when I focus on the things that weigh me down, but I am lifted when I fix my eyes on Jesus and his promises. I cannot even tell you how reassuring of a thought that is to me today.

I went back to SheReadsTruth today for a little inspiration and wanted to share with you what I found. "His promises hold fast, even when your world is crumbling. In everything, He is good. In everything give thanks." Sweeter words have never been spoken. When I feel like I don't have anyone to count on, I have the Lord. When I feel let down by everyone's conditional love and empty promises, I have Jesus who will never leave me and never stop showing me how faithful He is.

Source

I stole this from SRT too because I thought it was a good exercise in thanksgiving. Maybe someone else needs this reminder today just as much as I did.

Let’s actively thank our good God today.
I will give thanks in…
  1. this joyful thing:
  2. this suffering:
  3. this certainty:
  4. this stress:
  5. this injustice:
  6. this sorrow:
  7. this plenty:
  8. this want:
  9. this wandering:
  10. this waiting:

Wishing you all a truly Happy Thanksgiving, filled with warm hearts and full bellies! XOXO


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11 comments:

Yesi @ Plan With Yesii said...

I have missed you terribly. I am so excited you are back or at least showing face for a little. I remember we were going through the same heart broken feelings at the exact same time. I'm sorry that life hasn't been able to get back to normal for you. I am glad that you're starting fresh and I hope this new beau is treating you like the queen that you are. I'm sorry this will be your first year without your mother. I can't imagine how hard it's going to be. Anyways, sticking to positivity I am so happy to hear about you. It's been forever. I hope you can stay in contact!! I hope you stick around for a little bit. Here if you need anyone to talk to <3

Faith said...

I am lifting you up in prayer my sweet friend. The great thing about God is that he knows what our deepest desires are and he will always fulfil them. Maybe not in the time that we often want but he is never late. He is able to fix any broken relationships and create even more beautiful ones and I am glad that you have fixed your eyes on Him. He will get you through this, not just during the holidays but everyday. XOXO.

Jen @ South in the City said...

I have missed you friend!! While I certainly don't wish your struggles on you, I'm so very glad you have Faith and are using that to guide you this holiday season. I'm thankful for friends like you, whom I've never met, but know are so very special to me!

Missy Barnette said...

Sending you lots of love on Thanksgiving!

Amanda aka Manda said...

I hate that you don't feel like you belong in your family. I also hate you are so far away bc we would totally adopt you! My family is crazy too but the good kind, most of the time anyway. You know that you always have unconditional love here! One day you will have the family you crave! I can feel it in my bones! Love you!!

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

When I lost my Dad, I was so nervous for the first year of holidays, birthdays, etc. To be honest, it's been 9 years and it still feels like something is missing each time... but I will say that oddly enough, the first round felt the most "normal" for lack of a better word - I think because it still didn't feel real, if that makes sense. I'll be thinking about you, girl.

Law_Fal said...

Sending love and light your way. I'm feeling the same exact way you are about the holidays this year. Well minus the boyfriend part* but hugs and yay on the 7months! Hugs <>

Amy @ Living n Learning said...

I'm so glad you popped back into the blog world, if only for this one post for now. I've missed you! You're in my prayers as you learn to navigate the holiday season without your mom and as you figure out how to handle the rest of your family situation.

Being Beth said...

I am just getting caught up on my blog reading. How was Thanksgiving? I miss reading your words!

Lins - Domesticated Working Woman said...

I've struggled recently with inspiration as well; there are so many other areas I'm putting energy into. I hope you find your "family" - I know that it's hard to feel like you don't fit in where you are, but once you find your niche, it's amazing. Beachbody has given that to me. I truly thought I would never have girlfriends adn I was wrong - thanksfully so. So glad you're back! xoxo

Joey @ Hodgespodges said...

Oh friend--I'm so late to this post, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm so happy that you have a spot of light in this season of a heavy heart! And I hope your married family will be all that you need and want! Sending you so much love! <3