Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Mama Drama

I will be the first to admit that I have some real mommy issues. My mom and I are not very close, and we have very different personalities. Growing up, especially during my teenage years, my mom and I could never get along.
Let me start from the beginning –
My mom and dad got divorced when I was around 9 years old. My dad’s police schedule was blamed to be a factor, but I’m sure there were plenty of other things that came into play. After the divorce, my dad moved to Knoxville to be closer to his job and we stayed in our hometown – just about 20 minutes north in a small town. My daddy was always so wonderful about making every effort to be involved in our lives. If he was off on the weekends, we were at his house. If he worked during the weekends, we would stay with him some during the week when he was off and he would drive us back and forth to school. My parents never did a custody battle or child support, they just worked it out between themselves. They managed to get along during this time much better than they did when they were married. I missed my dad a lot when he moved away and I guess I blamed my mom in some ways for the split.
My mom went a little wild after the divorce. She had two young kids, I was 9 and my brother was 4, and she’d been with my dad since she was 20 years old. Sometimes on the nights she had us we ended up with a babysitter so she could go out with friends. I vividly remember crying and begging her not to go out and to stay with us. (Of course I was 9 so I’m sure I was overly dramatic.) She went through a string of about 3 deadbeat boyfriends over 3 years. I hated them all with a passion and I would literally count down the days until I could go to my dad’s house again. Even at 9, I just didn’t feel like my mom was being a very good mom to us. It hurt me and I’m sure it’s the reason I have grown to be such an independent person. I just felt like I couldn’t count on her sometimes so I had to do things myself. Now, I’m not talking about providing for us or anything like that. We always had a roof over our heads, plenty of food and clothes and we never went without or wanted for anything. I guess I just had an emotional void during this time. My dad never pursued a serious relationship with any women during our childhood. I’m sure he dated, but we only met 1 of his girlfriends from the time I was 9 until last year when he married the evil stepmother. When I was in middle school my mom settled down a little and got remarried to my step-dad. He is a really great guy and would do anything for my brother and me. They have 2 kids together now who are my devilish cute little step brothers.
Our relationship got so bad that at one point when I was 17 I moved in with my dad and lived with him solely, barely seeing my mom, until I was about 20. Since that time things have been very hot and cold with my mom and I. She has found herself in the middle of some illegal bad situations, which I will not disclose here on the blog. She has jealous fits about how close I am to my dad instead of her. She has been to rehab a couple different times and most of the time falls back into old habits. It’s a very strange situation for me. To have a father – who of course in my eyes does no wrong, and to have a mother who seems to make all the wrong choices. My struggle right now is largely because my mom is doing well. I know that sounds ass backwards but when someone has wronged me I’m the world’s worst grudge holder. I try not to be, but really I can’t help it. I just keep waiting for something to trigger her into depression or push her into a bad place. Basically, I keep her at arm’s length. To be brutally honest with you I’ve never actually longed for a mother-daughter relationship with her. I think that is because I am super close to my aunt (mom’s sister) and of course I always have my dad. My mom has almost been like the black stain on our family tree, due to her appearance at times & behavior problems so I often feel embarrassed by her.
While I am going through to plan the wedding of my dreams, I struggle with how to involve my mother. My original plan was always to go away to get married somewhere tropical – in part to avoid her showing up and causing a scene. Now that we are looking at keeping our wedding local, I am terrified of how this will play out. I’m just trying to be honest about it. I feel bad admitting these ugly words on the internet about MY OWN MOTHER, but years of her ways has caused me to not trust her in some ways. I know it's ugly, but that's how the truth goes sometimes. We all have those "black sheep" in our family, right??


Cami said...

Oh Nikki. I wish I had the right words to say.
I can tell you that, to some extent, I feel your pain...although I long for a relationship with my's a sticky situation and this isn't about

The only advice - if you can call it that - is if your mom wasn't would you feel? Would you have longed for a relationship with her or be just as okay as you are now? Do what YOU Want to do and not worry about what she may or may not do...this is YOUR wedding - as long as you are HAPPY - that is ALL that matters.


Sarah said...

Friend, I'm sorry for your struggles. I've always had a strained relationship with my mom and that played in to my decision to have a tiny wedding - I couldn't imagine trying to plan something big with her. That said, when it was all over, I was pleasantly surprised at how she let me have my day and how nicely it all went. And I will forever treasure that.

Here's my hope for you: the very special wedding magic that turns badly behaved people into angels and temporarily renders barriers between people invisible and miraculously surrounds and bride and groom with nothing but love. And that magic CAN happen.

Keep your chin up and plan as though everything will go perfectly... and if things start to go awry, take a deep breath and walk away for a minute. You're a strong gal and I just KNOW you'll have a perfect day, no matter what role your mom plays!

Kelly { MessyDirtyHair } said...

I know exactly how you feel. I always feel like the black sheep in my fam. You have to focus on the positive in your life & surround yourself w good people. Hang in there girl, god would never give you something he didn't think you could handle

Jenna@The Life of the Wife said...

Do you feel better just getting that out? Sometimes just writing all of my feelings down just makes me feel relieved! I hope you do. That's a super tough thing to go through. But life is about choices. Some people just take a little longer in life to make the right ones. The fact that you're still giving your mom a chance says A TON about you. I wish I had the perfect words but this is the best I can do. Sending you love & hugs girl!!

Nikki said...

Nikki no matter how you feel you have to do what is best for you and your soon to be hubby the day of your wedding! It is the one day that is about you and him and you have the final say as to who is there and who is not.

I am so sorry to hear that you dont have the greatest relationship with your mom. I do know how you feel though. My parents divorced when I was young and my mother and I had a falling out and we didnt speak for 2 years. I like you was torn with what to do with that relationship. I eventually was able to get past the bs that went down with us and now we have a great relationship. Granted the reason I stopped talking to my mother is TOTALLY different than whats goin on with yours. If ya wanna chat about this I am here.

Nikki @ My Life My Way

poptartyogini said...

Wow. I really appreciate your honesty and putting yourself out there. I hope you got some relief by just getting those thoughts and feelings out of you. I'm so sorry that your relationship with your mom is so rocky. A mom is supposed to be someone to confide in and be a comfort. I'm glad you've found that in your aunt. I pray that your mom makes it to your wedding and shares in your special days. I'm sure it will mean a lot to both of you.

emenchho said...

I didn't realize we had a pretty similar background concerning our parents, although mine is the other way around (I should totally blog about that sometime). *hugs* I am nowhere near planning for a wedding, but I've often times wondered how I could do it without my dad being part of it and the wicked stepmother causing a scene, not to mention my paternal grandma having a fit. Families...ya gotta love 'em, but you don't have to like 'em.

Anonymous said...

Oh Nikki, I feel (some of) your pain here. My mom actually left my dad and moved in with her boyfriend the weekend I announced my engagement. And we sort of... cut each other out ever since. She got weird and I was pissed, and I had no idea how to handle anything related to her and the wedding. So, other than inviting her, I didn't really involve her in anything. I think it likely hurt her feelings but it definitely saved my sanity. I think I only really got away with it because I was planning from another state, and also I'm a huge control freak, so it was natural for me to do a lot of things myself, and turning down lots of offers for help from everyone, not just her.

We're all here for support! And please try not to feel horrible about your feelings- just because someone is a close relation, it doesn't mean they get a completely free pass on the pain they cause you.

Anonymous said...

Read with open mind! ! One of two
I totally understand the feelings you have are real and I relate more than you could ever know (I would tell but I feel it is wrong to do so on the web) however learn from others mistakes. I want to share I am also a child of divorce, addition, adultery and always thought my dad was on a pedestal and my mother was the crazy one. However as I matured more I did realized that it always takes two no matter what the issues are. It’s a fact that women/girls talk, show their feelings, cover the pain up with drugs, depression, more than men (they hold it in) do and my father was a cop also, trust me they have their own issues but they have learned how to not show them. It is the trait of being a cop to survive. Your mother is the only one you have and you need to embrace and respect her even when you do not think it is worthy. God gave you your parents for a reason and she gave you life. Sometimes we forget all the good times (some just we were to young to remember but they were there) and focus on the bad one, sad but true for most of us. Unfortunately most women can look back or current and relate to issues with their mothers at some point and time in their life. Females vs Females from as pool yikes! I have noticed that you are a grudge holder and this can destroy many relationships in your past and in the future. You need to really look at why you are like this and ask God for help because no one is perfect, we all could hold grudges against someone but the one it hurts the most is the person that is holding it. Do you think your anger, hurt and grudge is apart of the reason you still see your mother in a negative way no matter what she does? Do you focus on her mistakes and not her accomplishments and efforts? You stated that she is the black sheep, wow what a negative thought she has to live with that her family and especially her own daughter feels this way about her. Does this hold her back and make her feel unloved, searching for acceptance through whatever means, not respected for what she has done for you and your brother? What a heavy burden to carry, no matter how many mistakes she makes in the future or made in the past. We all are guilty of many mistakes ?and many we make over again and again. We all make mistake it is human nature.

Anonymous said...

(wrong it will take three post Do you look at yourself as better then her? Have you walked in her shoes? None of us should look down on who gave us life no matter how hard this is, trust me this is not easy. Are you or plan on becoming a mother someday? I hope you work this out before you are a mother and if you are already a mother (do not see any blogs about kids so assume you are not yet) that you start asap to work through these issues with your mother and in yourself. I do not have kids but do know that my mother was not what I expected (in my own mind) a mother to be (similar to yours) but I have learned that maybe it is not all her. When I decided to grow up and see her as my only mother and not this perfect person I expected, I now see her as a mother and a human. I now have a closer relationship with her, perfect no but a better understanding and a better relationship as my mother!. If you do not except and forgive her this will roll into your relationships (you may not even know it yet but it does and has) Since you do not have a close or a relationship with your mom it will be hard for you to want anyone in your life to have one because you do not have it and do not want them to have…. We all need a relationship with are parents even when we do not think we do. You stated evil step you have a relationship with her? Are you jealous of women that threaten your men relationships? Is your soon to be husbands mother still alive and/or have a stepmom? If so, I am sure you will see your same jealousy, grudge, insecure relationship with her also because you feel threaten by the female role model in your men’s life. If you are truly and honest with yourself when you look at your relationships with them or lack of relationship you will realize this. I know this is hard to hear. I hated it when I was told this about myself. I denied it for many years and wish I did not wait so long. This steams from your/my relationship or non relationship with your mother. You will be jealous and feel threaten by the female relationships in his life even if it is his mother or sister, you should not it’s his mother and family and they are not a threat to your relationship if it is a good one. If it is not a healthy relationship and you know that then as his family and yours they will speak up but otherwise it should be a great thing. You will and can destroy a relationship between a son and a mother without knowing it or maybe deep down you do know it. This is sad situation I have seen it with my own brother. He loves our mother and was very close to her, it was only us three because are father passed away, but his wife was controlling, threaten and he let his wife feed him with negative thoughts, negative comments, she was not happy when they came to visit (not often) and we all saw it by her actions. Unfortunately she was unable to see this before it was to late and now she would tell you what a mistake it was. )

Anonymous said...

The females in his life are the reason she loved him and is why he was the great person he is today. Now he has remarried and they have a great relationship but it came a little late. She now sees how she worked him for many years because she was threatened by them. Your family and his family is your future so do not let your past hurt these wonderful relationships. Hopefully he has a good relationship with his mother, stepmom, father, or stepfather and you do not see these relationships as a threat. Just remember a mothers relationship with a son is a strong bond, just like a daughters and her dads so embrace these do not push them away because his family will always be there for him and your family will always be there for you no matter what happens to your relationship. It took me many years of searching to understand my relationships with my family and with his family and now I have the best of both families. I enjoy my mom, stepdad, his dad and his mother more than I can express. The relationship I have with his dad and mom (very close to them) means the world to me. They are wonderful people and I did not realize it for a long time. Now I am ready to start my family at 35 now that I have grown up. I know some of this is really hard to swallow and you my even be mad but trust me you will see one day and hopefully it will not be to late. I wish you two the best and I will pray for you to have forgiveness in your heart.

Yours truly,

Lindsey said...

Girl, I'm so sorry. That is so hard. I can relate in a way because I have a horrible relationship with my MIL, but it didn't happen until after the wedding. Or rather, I stopped putting up with it after the wedding so I didn't have to make that choice. It's so hard and I'm praying for you girl. HUGS!

Anonymous said... i'm a first-time commenter {came over via twentysomethingwife} but i wanted to throw in my 2 cents, first because i think you should know that the fact that you're mulling this over is incredible. i don't know if i could be as wonderfully forgiving as you. second because i think that whatever you decide {to have her as a part or not} you should sit down in advance and talk to her about it. say everything to her that you just said, share how you feel, how she's affected you over the years and how that plays into your decision. best of luck to you.

Anonymous said...

I hate you have to deal with this...I understand. Even though our mama drama is a bit different, I also have mama drama. It stinks. First of all, I'm here if you need to chat about it. Second and quite simply, this is your day, your time, so try not to worry about mom. Easy to say but we had to do the same thing. I actually had people, aka my bro in law, on stand by to intervene if needed so I didn't have to deal with anything on our day. It all went perfectly and yours will too!

lil desiqua said...

I'm a little backed up on blogging- so I apologize for the last comment!

I definitely know how you feel. I have a very love/hate relationship with my mother. Sometimes things are great, other times I won't talk to her for over a month and be grateful for the break.

Maybe you can talk to her about what/how you're feeling. Hopefully she'll be on her best behavior because she knows how important your wedding day is to you, and wouldn't want to do anything to mess that up for you.

I hope everything works out! Hugs!