Here we are a little over a month into 2015 already. I remember being 10 years old and "older" people telling me how quickly it goes by as you grow up. They sure weren't kidding. I feel like a 90 year old lady even saying that, but it's true. I have high hopes for this year, including embracing my 2015 word: believe. However, one month down and looking back I'm not feeling so great about my momentum. I'm still choosing fear over faith.
I've been struggling quite a bit lately with fear. My tiny fears have somehow managed to snowball into these anxiety ridden roadblocks that prevent me from believing in God's promises for me. I have been looking backwards, going through the motions, trying to do too much, and misplacing where I've tried to anchor myself. As someone who so desperately wants to live every second of my life for God, it's really hard to know what to do with myself during these times. I am all about that self condemnation life. So you know what I have done? I have pushed Him aside. I have backed down from the belief that the Lord will tackle my fears. I have become complacent and disconnected.
We are in a series at church right now about listening to the Holy Spirit, even during the insanely busy times. I have spent a large portion of the past two days trying to BE STILL and listen to what the Holy Spirit tells me. Wishing for a glaring sign that I didn't feel would actually come. Trying to quiet my busy mind and listen for any whisper of hope. (Let me just tell you it's not an easy thing to quiet this mind!)
Then last night finally a breakthrough! Praise the Lord! Really long story short, during a 2 hour prayer night with a group I'm involved with at church the Holy Spirit gave me Psalm 37:3-7 to reflect on. We have all heard these verses a hundred times, but it was everything and exactly what I needed to be reminded of in that moment.
Psalm 37:3-7 "Trust in the Lord and do good. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him and he will help you. v.7 Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for him to act."
Honestly, I hadn't been doing any of that. My lack of trust the past couple of weeks is embarrassing for me to admit. I haven't been able to delight in Him because I've been so focused on my worries. I definitely haven't been committing everything I do to Him. And the last thing I have done is to be still or patient ... quite the opposite actually. So randomly finding these verses last night felt like I was reading them for the first time, and everything was clicking. Only it wasn't random at all. Sounds hokey, I know, but there is nothing like that feeling. I immediately was brought to tears and felt the presence of the Lord drawing me back to Him. It felt like a hug with wide open arms, I might add. No condemnation for straying, only immeasurable grace.
So what does that look like today and moving forward?
My God > my flesh
my future plans for myself
my fickle heart
My God = FREEDOM
Today I do feel like my load is lighter. Some of the circumstances of my life are sad currently, but I have the utmost belief that my God is greater than any of that. I broke up with the boyfriend, and as much as that makes my heart ache right now I do have a peace about it that I've never had in the past. He's so amazing and I selfishly don't want to not have him in my life, but I know God will work it out for us both. My family is experiencing a tough time right now too, but I know God has plans for this struggle.
My faith has come so far, I cannot help but praise the Lord for all the ways He has changed my heart and continues to grow me. I think moving forward looks like me embracing the Holy Spirit, God's Word, His heart, His love and resting in those truths.
Also, I'm doing the Love God Greatly study on Community right now. Moving forward means being active in growing my "Community" and leaning in to be supported & to support others. How can I help support you with the season you're in right now? Let's lift each other up in prayer!