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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Feeling Heavy on the Thankful

This post is a little heavy...sorry about that! But I want to make you laugh first! Nothing is better than a dancing Peeta!

Seems like every year I go into the holiday season with a negative attitude. Dealing with my family is not an easy task for me. My mom and I butt heads almost every single time I speak to her. So enter the holidays and we are thrown together and there's your definition of ugly. It has become very ugly on many occasions between us at the holidays. It would take me a very long time to fully explain the relationship my mom and I have to you. But I can sum it up by saying that I think she resents me and doesn't ever try to hide those feelings, while acting completely opposite towards my brother. She's also very emotional and dramatic, and while I do have my moments, I am mostly not like that so it's hard for me to relate to her. We are pretty much polar opposites. She has battled drug & alcohol addictions her whole life, and unfortunately put her family last sometimes when it came to her vices. She hates that I'm not like her and that I'm close with my aunt and my dad. She is always taking any opportunity to get in digs at me. {end rant} That being said...my mom is very sick right now. She has stage 4 lung cancer and she's been battling that for 14 months. I try to appease her because I know she is sick, but I am being honest when I say my relationship with her is still very much a challenge.
 
My brother has always been the most important person in my life. I would do absolutely anything for that boy. But since my breakup last November, he has not been supportive of me at all. It's been a roller coaster of a year with our relationship. I have probably cried just as much over him as I did over Skye. It's been a genuine reality check for me. And it's affected other people in our family as well. I don't want to put all the blame on him because I am to blame too. I understand he's immature and maybe didn't quite know how to support me, but I didn't expect much. Just a little loyalty and family solidarity. Even though he has hurt me, he will always be my baby brother. I will one day be able to get past things with him, but I'm not sure I ever have the desire to be close to my mom. I know that sounds awful to say, trust me, but it's the truth.
 
These are very personal family issues that I have been focusing on lately. But honestly I have to turn them over to God because they just weigh me down. I have let these things get in the way of my thankfulness for all the other wonderful things in my life.

 
My point today is: be thankful. Period. Even if you don't feel thankful, take a moment to give yourself some perspective.  We all struggle with things in our personal lives. We all go through bad patches, but we do not have bad lives.

I am going to try so hard this year to enjoy this time with my family instead of just trying to survive it. I am thankful for the people I have in my life who do always support me and never belittle me. I am thankful for my church, which has completely transformed me from a broken person with a black heart. I am thankful for being able to know you through reading all your stories and for you being able to read mine. I am thankful for those who know the darkest depths of my secrets and never judge me. I am thankful for all my little daily blessings that other people pray for.

I'm gonna turn the comments off on this post, but definitely want to wish you ALL a Happy Thanksgiving with the ones you love! XOXO
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