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Friday, October 21, 2011

Oh, God

Over the past couple years, I have been a bad little Baptist girl and I've strayed from my church going roots. In my "impressionable" years, I was very much active in a youth group at a wonderful church - conservative, but caring. I made wonderful friends and learned wonderful lessons that I credit for helping to mold me into the woman that I am today. When I turned about 18, I began to lose interest in going to church every Sunday. Quite frankly, I found things that I'd rather do which not require waking up early Sunday after staying up late on Saturday. Since then, I have yet to get back into church the way I feel I should. I say prayers for people who need it, I say prayers of thanks when I think of it, but that's about the extent of my religion these days.

Growing up, neither one of my parents were super religious. My mom's parents both suffered from addiction problems throughout their lives. Her dad was an abusive alcoholic and heavy drug user for her entire life, and her mom spent years battling prescription pain pill addictions, shopping addictions, etc. My mamaw had big dreams of being a singer, and she was actually really good. She sang with Dolly Parton back in the day on the Cas Walker Show in Knoxville. A professional singing career is hard to manage with young children, so I think she was probably not the best mother to my mom and aunt. Needless to say, my mom inherited this easily addictive personality. She has also battled drug, alcohol and other addictions throughout her life. Both of my mom's parents are dead; both deaths to blame on either a lifelong alcohol addition or a supposedly purposeful prescription drug overdose. It's been hard for my mom to find the time to go to church when she's always battling a demon. It's also hard for her to make sense of religion after all she's been through during her childhood and adult life.
My dad's parents both chose to cling to the religion as they needed it, if that makes sense. Both of my dad's parents also struggled with alcohol addiction at times, neither of which face that problem anymore. My papaw attends church now, but that has not always been the case. My mamaw moved down here after she met my papaw in the Army in the early 60's. She left her whole family in Pennsylvania to come to TN for love. After my dad and his brother were semi-grown, my papaw left my mamaw for a younger woman he worked with. That young woman is now my gran gran and they have been married for 30 years. Good for them, yeah, but not so good for my mamaw who was down here mostly alone with 2 teenage boys. That drove her to drink. My dad has always resented my gran gran for breaking up his parents. My wonderful daddy can also be a bit cynical. He's spent his entire career dealing with criminals and bad people, so I believe that's changed him and turned him hard on the inside just a little bit. He has not turned to God to ease this burden.
Skye was raised a Methodist and his church up bringing was about like mine. He went and enjoyed himself when he did, but when he got old enough to go on his own the tradition slipped through the cracks. All this serious talk about his police gig has me feeling like a need Jesus in my life!
For my brother and I having a big of a messed up family, we have actually turned into fine functioning citizens of society. We both often crave a touch of religion in our lives, but we both have a wild streak that keeps us from getting too involved as well. I have rambled on here forever now and gotten a little bit off my original topic....but basically my point was I am fishing for religion these days. I am thinking about starting my own little devotional before I jump back into church. I am a little lost sheep right now.
What do you do when you're fishing for religion? How do you find comfort in a crazy world?

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